tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1240148935687891242024-03-13T02:39:19.364-05:00Charmed Kind of LifeJust a glimpse into my life as an Air Force wife, mommy, loss mommy, working woman, sports junkie, wanna-be foodie and overzealous shopper. Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.comBlogger242125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-20417740356264701102015-12-31T23:39:00.005-06:002015-12-31T23:42:32.260-06:002015: a brief reflection.It's hard to believe that the end of another year is upon us already. The first six months of the year absolutely dragged, but the last six months just flew by for me. It's crazy that I'm sitting in my bed, my two children beside me (the little is asleep; the big is still talking and trying to hang on until midnight), reflecting on another year gone.<br />
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Overall, this year has been more challenging than I expected it to be. I was hopeful that this year would be a bright spot in my life, but it honestly wasn't as bright as it could've been. My personal life was hard, which makes everything else hard. However, it was a good year, one where I saw personal growth and had a lot of great times.<br />
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Most people don't really know, but I took an interim assistant director position at work back in the spring and have been very, VERY busy in the office since then. I have enjoyed the challenge immensely, though, and have learned so much. My interim role has inspired me to go back to school and to find a way to finally start my master's degree in 2016 so I can work my way up through the higher education ranks. It took awhile to find a new balance, but I did find it and have enjoyed my new responsibilities.<br />
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The brightest spot of the year was my kids (not sure anyone is surprised by that). It's been a challenge with JJ because of his ADHD and developmental challenges, but we have found a balance with medication and a great IEP plan. We are fortunate to have a great support system, lots of patience, and people who believe in him (besides me, of course) - which has made all the difference in the world. JJ has grown by leaps and bounds this year, and 1st grade is going better than ever. I am so proud to be his mom and to see him overcome all of these obstacles; he is so smart and funny!<br />
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Mia has grown so much this year, too; it's insane how grown she is now! She started walking in February (and running soon after), talking phrases/short sentences during the summer, and she discovered this week that she can take her own clothes off (and choose not to put them back on). That girl has personality for days, too, lemme tell ya. She is my shining star, my diva, my mini me. I can't believe she'll be 2 next weekend.<br />
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I had all of these grand plans for 2015, but a lot of them didn't happen - and that's OK. I've spent the holiday break from work resetting my mind and preparing for the new year, and I can honestly say that I'm ready for it. I came up with 10 goals that I want to achieve in 2016, but these are really more like lifestyle changes I want to make and stick to as the years go on:<br /><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bring it, 2016. I'm ready.</td></tr>
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A big thing happening in the new year is that I'll be 30(!), and it's a huge milestone for me personally. I want to start my new age decade on the right foot, so this year will be about recentering, refocusing, and enjoying life. It's easy to get caught up in drama and feelings and the past, and I am determined to let a lot of that go so I can find true happiness again. I'm starting the 21 Day Fix on Monday to get myself back into shape, along with Couch to 5K; that's just one step in my journey to a happier, better me. </div>
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I learned a lot about myself in 2015 and pushed some boundaries, but I want to do even more in 2016. I am genuinely excited for the new year and can't wait to see what it has in store! My word for the year: unstoppable.<br /></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Happy New Year from me and the rainbow!</td></tr>
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Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-21195440643992669372015-12-25T02:09:00.003-06:002015-12-25T02:09:42.003-06:00When there's a hole in your heart at Christmas.I really don't mean to be all down in the dumps on Christmas, because this is one of the best holidays of the year. It's actually my favorite holiday. It's also the holiday that seems to hurts the most emotionally, because it is a constant reminder that there is one missing from our holiday gathering.<br />
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I am a very lucky woman. I have a wonderful family, fantastic parents, a place to go for the holidays, the means to provide a Christmas for our children. But I also have a child who is no longer living, and sometimes, that trumps everything. This will be my fourth Christmas since Devon died, and I honestly can't believe that I've made it that many Christmases. That first Christmas after his death, I felt so empty, so lost, so angry. I was so mad that my son was in Heaven and not in my arms, that I had to experience such a debilitating and life-altering loss. That was the only Christmas in my life that I absolutely hated.<br /><br />As the years have gone by, the pain has lessened - but the hole is still there. There should be three sets of gifts, three stockings, three kids trying to sneak a peek at their presents, three kids on our family Christmas card. It becomes glaringly obvious during the holiday season that there is a little person missing from my life, a little person who never even got to experience his first Christmas - his mommy's favorite holiday.<br /><br />To fill that hole, we adopt an angel from one of the local angel trees and buy the presents for that child that Devon will never get. Doing so has helped me cope with his loss, because it makes me feel good to give back to someone who may not have had a Christmas if the kids and I hadn't bought presents for him or her. It does not replace him, by any means, but it does help.<br /><br />So on this day, our fourth Christmas without him, I want to say this: I miss my son. You all will see pictures of me and my two beautiful, amazing, wonderful living children, and you will see my smile and my joy - because they truly bring me joy and love that I never imagined could happen. But on the inside, I will be shedding tears throughout the day because I miss Devon so terribly much. I always wish he was here, but I especially wish he was here on a day like today, a day that means so much to me personally.<br /><br />To all the parents out there who celebrate Christmas and are missing a little one today, please know that you're not alone in your grief. Whether you're vocal about it like me, or you choose not to say anything due to the pain, know that I'm thinking about you and sending you love and hugs. I hope your day is still magical, still wonderful, still gives you a reason to smile.<br />
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I love you, sweet boy. Merry Christmas in Heaven. I know it will be the most magical experience. <3 p=""></3>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-19618817342033675902015-08-19T00:00:00.000-05:002015-08-19T00:00:47.390-05:00Three.My dear, sweet Devon,<br />
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Happy Third Birthday in the heavens, my baby boy! I cannot believe it's been three years since you came into this world sleeping, your sweet face and head full of hair putting a very tearful smile on my face. Even though it took a few hours for Mommy to hold you for the first time, I hope you know that I will never, ever forget the first time I laid eyes on you. You were so beautiful, and I'm sure you still are!<br />
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Goodness. Three. When I really stop and think about it, I can't believe it's been that long since you came and went so peacefully. I am trying very hard not to be sad, but the truth is, I'm still more than heartbroken that you are in heaven and not with me. I know that you are in great company up there and that there is no better place you could be...but still. I will always (selfishly) wish that you were here with me.<br />
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I imagine that, like your brother and sister, you are a very active little boy - almost out of your toddler years! You must still have all that hair, along with the same green eyes that your big brother grew into. Even though I never got to see you open your eyes, I dream of you with green eyes. How is it up there? Are there lots of fluffy clouds for you to bounce around on, lots of cool hiding places for you and your friends to play Hide and Seek with? I hope you get to have a big slice of chocolate cake with all of your angel friends that you've met and befriended up there, along with all of the family members who, I'm sure, are doing such an amazing job raising you. Be sure to give all of them a big hug and kiss from your mommy.<br />
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I tried really hard not to cry as I write this, but I'm totally crying now. I just miss you so much, Devon. I feel like I've written the same type of letter over and over again, but I'm just writing what I feel in my heart. A piece of me will always be with you, and I pray that you do not forget me during the time that we are separated - because I will never forget you. Your very brief life had such a huge impact on my own, even after three years.<br />
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I am so grateful for you, for the joy you brought me for those few short months that I got to have you with me on the inside, for the love I was able to share with you before you went to heaven. I hope you remember my heart beat, my voice, my touch, and that they are a part of you until you and I can be together again.<br />
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I miss you every second of every day. That will never change. But today, I will remember you with all the love and smiles I can possibly muster, because your memory deserves that. Later on, I will drop your big brother off to first grade (can you believe it?!), and I will drop your sister off to daycare. Then I will come home and make your cupcakes. Tonight, your brother, sister, and I will sing you Happy Birthday and blow out your candle, and I will surely cry as we all share the cupcakes that I so desperately wish you were eating with us. I hope that you're watching over us as sing to you, that you can hear us all the way up there, and that you can feel the endless love that we have for you.<br />
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Happy Three, my sweet baby boy. I love you more than I will ever be able to put into words, and I hope you have the most amazing birthday in heaven. You deserve that, and so much more.<br />
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Mommy <3 p=""></3>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-17054265691702722082015-06-14T10:39:00.001-05:002015-06-14T10:43:26.211-05:00Five adults + three kids + one photographer = amazing pics (woot!)It has been a LONG time since I posted here. Holy moly. Things have been more chaotic than I ever imagined, but I'll get into that later. This post is to show off the wonderful family pictures we took last weekend.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I heart them.</td></tr>
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Now, let me tell you about Averi. We discovered her in 2011 and had our first shoot with her that summer (when it was just my parents, my sister, and JJ; we've clearly grown since then!). Ever since then, we have done at least five more shoots with her (might be missing one in there somewhere), and we have been SO happy with every single result. She is great with the kids, works so fast (we shot on a Saturday, had the online gallery up on Tuesday, and had the full picture disc on Friday), and she takes some AMAZING pictures. She is always professional, friendly, and wonderful. She's become more than our family photographer; she's also become a friend. If you live in or around Stillwater, I strongly suggest you consider <a href="https://www.facebook.com/averiblackmonphotography?fref=ts" target="_blank">Averi Blackmon Photography</a>!<br />
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So when we shot with Averi on this particular Saturday, the rain had FINALLY left Oklahoma...but the heat had settled in. We shot at Theta Pond, which (luckily) has a lot of trees and shade, so it wasn't toooooo bad. It was a little chaotic because we had two toddlers and a hyper 6-year-old, and one of the toddlers (I'm lookin' at you, Grace) was in no-smile mode. I knew we'd get good pictures, but I wasn't quite sure just how good they would come out. </div>
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But man. Once I saw the gallery, I was in love. It was so great to get some wonderful moments as a big family, along with some of just me/the kiddos and the kiddos.</div>
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The kiddos are doing their birthday pictures with her in late fall (SEVEN AND TWO! they're getting so big), so we'll be reshooting with Averi again. I'm so glad we got these pictures, though, because they're memories that will last forever.</div>
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Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-45540998970257458442014-11-12T23:44:00.000-06:002014-11-12T23:44:01.626-06:00Working mom guilt sucks.It's nearly midnight. Most school nights, I'm passed out in the middle of my bed with one child - or, sometimes, both children - sleeping around me. Tonight, though, I have energy (don't ask me how)...so I'm doing things that need to be done. I took the trash out (effing cold outside right now, btw), washed/sanitized bottles, cleaned up JJ's bathroom that became a disaster area after bath time, and - once this post is done - I'll iron clothes for all of us, make sure I have stuff for pancakes in the morning, pack Mia's diaper bag and fold/put away two loads of laundry. I even managed to get in a couple of shows on my DVR, which is awesome; my DVR usually sits untouched until the weekend. It's been a long week at work, and I have a full day tomorrow that will probably see me working through lunch again so I can stay caught up; I hate being behind at work. I will probably have a couple of cups of coffee throughout the day, but that's fine. At least I have something there that will give me that boost I need.<br />
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But that's just house/family/work stuff. I just got an email for the teacher appreciation lunch committee, and I signed up to bring three large bags of chips. I also volunteered to send pumpkin quick bread mix to school with JJ tomorrow, and I'm pretty sure he needs to have his lunch card reloaded with money. I need to track down the library book we read tonight and make sure it makes it back into his backpack, find an appropriate shirt for school (it's PE day tomorrow, and I don't want him to get too hot by wearing a heavy shirt), and make sure his IEP stuff is worked out so he can get his speech and OT testing done. It's all a never-ending cycle of just stuff...and lately, it's been overwhelming.<br />
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I feel guilty being a working mom. I love what I do, but it's hard to get past the post of the stay-at-home moms who send the Pinterest crafts to school with their kids and seem to run the homeroom mom show flawlessly. It's hard to be the mom that volunteers to take the chips for the teacher appreciation luncheon because I just don't have time to throw together a dessert, or be there for set-up or clean-up. It's hard needing to work through lunch because I am so damn desperate to get out the door as close to 5pm as possible that I'd rather work through my lunch hour than have to stay until 6. By the time I pick up my children from daycare, I haven't seen them in more than 9 hours - and I miss them so much by that point that I am almost in tears every day when I pick them up.<br />
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It's hard to balance everything. I try my hardest to be there for the kids whenever they have something going on, and I am grateful that I work at a job that understands that. But that doesn't stop the guilt of my work keeping me away from my children for most of the week. I do not have the option to be a stay-at-home mom at the moment, and I am honestly not a good enough salesperson to start my own work-at-home business...I love education, and I'm good at what I do. I thrive in my current work environment, and I love it.<br />
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I hate that I am justifying my love for my job, when I really shouldn't have to do that.<br />
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I've seen the same exhausted, guilty looks on the faces of other working moms; I've had conversations with other working moms about how to balance it all. It is overwhelming to feel this much guilt, and it sucks to see stories on social media and in papers from parents putting down mothers who choose to work outside of the home. One time a couple of years ago, I saw a post on Twitter or Facebook - can't remember which - from a stay-at-home mom that basically said that she couldn't understand how people could let other people watch their kids for the day, that they must be bad parents if they choose not to stick around to raise their own children. That post happened ages ago, and it still makes me sick to my stomach to realize that people out there think of me that way: a shitty parent who lets a daycare raise her children. That is not the case, but I'm not here to convince random people that I'm not that type of person. I'm too tired to fight that fight.<br />
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My hope is that, one day, the working mom guilt goes away. I do not know if we will every be financially stable enough for me to stay home - my husband IS in the military, after all, and we cannot live comfortably on just his paycheck (which is a whole 'nother topic i won't get into at this moment). And I do not know if I am cut out to be a stay-at-home mom; I love spending time with my children, but I also love adult interaction, and working with the students. That doesn't mean I don't miss my kids every second that I'm away from them, or that I do not feel guilty that I probably should never be homeroom mom because I can't promise I can make every field trip - but I will definitely volunteer to send cookies, and will be there at every IEP meeting and parent/teacher conference. I want my kids, and the world, to know that just because I don't stay at home doesn't mean I'm not a worthy parent.<br />
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A really good friend of mine told me last weekend that I need to let go of the working mom guilt, that it will eat me alive if I don't find a way to just let it go. She's totally right...but I'm still struggling with letting it go. For now, I'll fake it 'til I make it, and I'll do my damndest to make sure my family knows how much I love them, even if I do work.<br />
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-29340341431639629062014-10-30T21:49:00.003-05:002014-10-30T21:50:51.459-05:00Positive reflection.To say that October has been nuts is an understatement. Work was insane because of enrollment advising. Then Mia wound up getting tubes. Then both kids wound up sick at different parts of the month (and i was sick at the beginning of it, too). Then you just throw in life in general, and boom. You get from October 1st to October 31st very, very quickly - without even realizing it.<br />
<br />
This month is more than just "another month", though; it's Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, an event that wasn't even on my radar until Devon died. It's so hard to remember my carefree life before he died, and how things were before my world was shattered.<br />
<br />
But today, instead of rehashing the past and how different my life is now, I'm going to live in the present and talk about how great it is. When I stop and think, it really is a great life.<br />
<br />
I am blessed with two beautiful Earth babies and my sweet angel baby. Even with the struggles we've had with JJ, he is still so bright, and intelligent, and fun. Watching him grow has been the biggest blessing; I never knew how much my life would change when he was born, but he is just the best. And Mia - my goodness. She is a joy! She's so easygoing and giggly and such a charmer. What did I do to be blessed with three beautiful children? They make my life worth living.<br />
<br />
I am fortunate to have a close relationship with my parents and my sister. My parents are the absolute best, watching my children without asking for a thing in return. My mom took off last Friday to watch Mia after surgery so that I could stay at work for awhile and catch up (she wound up watching both of my kids since JJ got sick, but she just said it was an added bonus to be able to spend all day with them). My dad loves to take JJ on "manly" excursions - bike rides around his college campus, to the car wash to wash his truck etc. My sister is great with the kids, especially JJ (probably because JJ is a mini version of Alicia, just ten times magnified in terms of personality and craziness, ha). They have helped me so much as I've raised the children on my own; I wouldn't be here without them.<br />
<br />
I have a very fulfilling job. I get to work with some of the best, brightest students that my alma mater has to offer, and it is so awesome. Yeah, it's crazy a lot of the time, but the environment I work in is top-notch, and I love what I do. I hope to stay in higher education forever and continue to advise; I feel like I'm good at it, and I'm passionate about it. I also hope to start my master's degree sooner rather than later; I miss being in the classroom setting and am eager to learn more.<br />
<br />
My friends are the greatest! I have a small circle of people that I hang out with on a regular basis, but they are the most generous, cool people ever. They're always there when I need a hug, or chocolate, or a drink, or something to babysit my children. Some (like my best friend) have been around for years; others (like my former coworker who moved home but is still a close friend of mine) have been around for a small amount of time but have become someone I will remain close to forever. While I am not the greatest at staying in touch, and usually can't have a conversation for long due to the kids, I hope they know that I adore each of them, and I would go to bat for every single one of them.<br />
<br />
I have had some really cool experiences in my life. I've been to DisneyWorld and Universal Studios, got to live in Hawaii for a few years, have road tripped across the country and have seen some of the coolest things. I still have more places I want to go and more things I want to do, but I've done some pretty neat stuff already. I can't wait to add more things to that list of cool experiences.<br />
<br />
My life has been hard the last couple of years. I live in constant fear that something will happen to my children. I miss my son more than words can say. Some days, I wake up wondering if this is really my life, if I really had to bury a child, if this is really how I see things now. But then I think of my children, and my family, and my life in general...and I try to live in the moment. Try to remember that even through all the darkness, there have been many more bright spots. I pray that I can remember these moments when I feel sad, or depressed, or angry at how things have gone - because these moments have pulled me through to where I am today.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-64400821673335790042014-09-15T13:38:00.000-05:002014-09-15T13:38:26.149-05:00How we (try) to survive our mornings.Ever since school started back up, things have been NUTS. With a new boss at work and lots of new students, things have been a little chaotic (but i'm finally all caught up again, thank goodness). With a kiddo in kindergarten and one in daycare, mornings are borderline nightmares. It usually goes something like this:<br />
<br />
- 6am: Alarm goes off. I hit snooze and swear to get up at 6:05am.<br />
- 615am: I finally roll my sleepy butt out of bed after hitting the snooze button twice more.<br />
- 620-640am: Do the things I should've done the night before but was too tired to do (finish washing bottles, iron clothes, pack bags).<br />
- 640-7am: Intend to get myself ready for work, but then Mia wakes up screaming for a bottle. Get her changed and ready for the day, but keep her in her PJs because she likes to have blowouts, and I'd rather her do that in her PJs than the clothes I just ironed.<br />
- 7am-710am: Play with Mia. Because, come on. She's cute. And fun. And likes when I make faces at her.<br />
- 710-725am: Hurriedly get ready for work, all while trying to get JJ to get out of bed. So far, he's still snoring away. During this time, Mia isn't happy I put her down, so I give her my cell phone to chew on. I also usually forget to pack something (lunch, extra diapers, something for work), so I'm trying to do that while doing everything else.<br />
- 725-730am: Finally shake JJ awake and have him drag himself to the kitchen for breakfast, which is now cold and needs to be reheated (usually oatmeal, hot chocolate/crackers, cereal or eggs/smoothie). Fix his hair and try to get him changed while he munches on breakfast.<br />
- Intend to get out the door by 740am (the earliest i can drop jj off at school), but we usually get out closer to 745am. Then I deal with the school drop-off line, then drive Mia to daycare and get to work. As you probably figured, I don't make it on time most mornings. <br />
<br />
I didn't think it would be this hard to get us through the morning unscathed, but it seriously is. Our morning routine usually puts me in a bad mood (one that i don't let show until i'm alone in the car and can scream it out while driving to work), so I know we need to make changes/adjustments. After doing some Googling and retweaking, I think I have a solution we can try.<br />
<br />
The problem isn't that I don't have enough time in the morning; the problem is that because I have no energy at night. I don't eat well, I don't sleep well, and I'm running from the time I get up until the time the kids are in bed (which usually winds up being my bedtime, too). To handle my crazy days and not crash out, I found some <a href="http://www.fitnessmagazine.com/recipes/snacks/healthy/11-energy-boosting-snacks/" target="_blank">great energy-boosting snack ideas</a> that I can keep at my desk (like apples and peanut butter, or hummus and chips) and get me through the afternoon. In recent days, I started to implement a few simple things that will hopefully help us out in the long run: <br />
<br />
1. <b>I try to get everything done for the next day the night before.</b> I've started letting JJ pick out his clothes the night before, then I iron all of our clothes while he's settling into bed. I let bottles soak while we're eating dinner and wash after the kids go to bed. I fold laundry while catching up on TV shows or the news. I pack of all our bags and set them by the door - along with my keys - before bed. I try to multi-task as much as possible so I can get things done quickly.<br />
<br />
2. <b>I stay much more organized than I did during the summer. </b>My <a href="https://www.erincondren.com/classic-life-planners" target="_blank">Erin Condren life planner </a>has become a lifesaver. I use it to track everything, from things JJ needs for school to meal plans to upcoming appointments. I carry it everywhere and keep lots of things in it (from stamps to coupons). I use my Google calendar for everything, too, and have it set up to send me text/email reminders when really important things are coming up. I have a small whiteboard on the side of my fridge that I use for grocery items, recipes I want to look up and other miscellaneous things. I know most people probably don't need all that stuff to stay organized, but I do - and they help.<br />
<br />
3. <b>I now get up earlier (barf).</b> I hate mornings. I am not, by any means, an early riser. But if I can start my mornings on the calm side and not feel so rushed, it helps all of us have a better morning. It also helps when Mia decides she wants to hang out with me at 645am.<br />
<br />
4. <b>I try not to sweat the small stuff.</b> If I don't get the entire house picked up the night before, or forget to vacuum, so what? Spending time with my kids is more important than making sure the dishwasher is empty. I've struggled with keeping a clean home and a happy family since JJ was born, and I've started to let go of that a little bit more as I've adjusted to a household with two kiddos. It all eventually gets done anyway.<br />
<br />
5. <b>I set a timer while cleaning and give myself 15 minutes to get certain areas done.</b> I am a procrastinator at heart, so if I don't time myself, it'll take me three hours to clean (because i stop to watch TV, or i stop to eat a snack, whatever). So I've now started setting a time in my procrastinator areas - the bathroom, the kitchen and the laundry - and give myself 15 minutes to get through it. The dishes sometimes take longer, and the toilet by itself can take 15 minutes to clean because the cleaner needs to soak in...but that's OK. Once the timer is set and I'm moving, it keeps me on track so I get things done quicker.<br />
<br />
6. <b>I drink more coffee than I ever have in my life.</b> I used to only have a cup every few days, but now I'm having 1-2 cups every day. I never drank that much coffee in college. As life slows down, I'll cut down on it, but for now, it's an essential survival tool for this mama running a single parent household.<br />
<br />
I was naive in thinking that I could manage everything on my own once school got back into full swing. Even though we had the last two months of school last school year where I was working and dropping kids off, things just seem so much more chaotic this school year. My hope is that as we adjust to this new routine, things will get better and I can add in more things - home cooked breakfasts, workouts, better meal plans - that I want to do but just don't have the time and energy to do now. We will get there. I know we will.<br />
<br />
And, because I can, and this blog post was super long - random posts of my babies. They are the best. <br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-76894869236326710492014-08-18T22:09:00.005-05:002014-08-18T22:09:55.245-05:00Two.Happy Birthday, Devon!<br />
<br />
In just a few short hours, it will be two years since you became my sweet angel and I met you for the first time. Even though August 19th is always such a hard day for me, it's also a joyous day - because it's the day I finally got to meet you, hold you, kiss you. I can't believe it's been two whole years.<br />
<br />
I wonder what you look like now. I imagine that you have lots of curly hair (like your big brother) and big, beautiful eyes (like your little sister). You were very chill in the womb, so I imagine that you are still like that - calm, but happy, and curious. I hope that you have met many of the boys and girls whose parents have now become my friends, that you all share a special bond as you watch over the mommies and daddies that miss you so much.<br />
<br />
I hope you know that I miss you every second that I breathe. From the second I knew that you were no longer with me, I have missed you. I have thought of you every second of every day - even when I'm busy or seems like I've forgotten about you, trust me. I have not. You will always be a special part of me, and my heart will always be missing the piece that you took to heaven with you.<br />
<br />
It is still hard for me to fathom that I will only have pictures of you until my life on this earth is through. It is still hard for me to fathom that I will never see your eyes, never hear your laugh, never see you smile. But when I think of all the things I will never get with you, I think of this: you will never know pain. You will only know joy, and my love, and my heartbeat - and that is enough to hold me over until I get to see you again.<br />
<br />
I will cry today - a lot. And I will take the time to shower you with love, and blow out a candle on a cupcake for you (a number 2, of course). I just hope that you can feel my love, that you can feel my kisses and hugs, that I can show you that I am happy - even with the sadness I feel that you are not in my arms. Because I am happy. I am happy that you were with me for 34.5 weeks. I am happy that I got to hold you, meet you, say goodbye. I am happy that you are my son.<br />
<br />
I hope that you're having this amazing party up there, one that is beyond what I could even imagine. I hope you love chocolate cake like your mommy, and that you are celebrating with all of the people who left before me - your paternal grandfather, your great-grandparents, your great-uncle, and others that love you and are hopefully providing the amazing life for you that I cannot. I live for you, I love you, and I will forever miss you. Happy Birthday, my sweet baby boy.<br />
<br />
Mommy<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-3358107176463077482014-07-29T01:39:00.004-05:002014-07-29T01:43:14.505-05:00Random ramblings of a grieving mother.I was ironing clothes for my two kids (i hate ironing but do it because i don't want them looking all wrinkly), and it hit me.<br />
<br />
Devon's second angelversary is in three weeks.<br />
<br />
During this time two years ago, I was breaking in Renata the Sonata and preparing to install the car seat base, blissfully unaware that my life was about to be shattered in a matter of weeks. Days. Oh, how I wish I could remember those days with happiness instead of sadness. Oh, how I wish those hadn't been the last days I'd had with my son.<br />
<br />
The pain of his loss hasn't lessened with Mia's arrival. I am beyond grateful that she is a part of this family, but that doesn't make me miss her big brother less. I think about him all the time, but as we get closer and closer to the day he was born sleeping, I think about him almost every moment of every day.<br />
<br />
It still amazes me that the littlest things can set me off. Folding Mia's baby socks made me cry the other night. The stack of clothes I bought him - but he'll never wear, and I can't bear to part with just yet - fell out of the closet last week, and I bawled my eyes out as I folded them neatly and stuffed them back on the shelf. I follow a few of the moms from Devon's bump month board on Instagram, and they're planning birthday parties for their almost 2-year-olds. I am so happy that they have those adorable little babies in their lives, but it hurts my heart to watch them grow up and know that I will never celebrate an Earthly birthday with Devon. I will never be bitter or angry towards them, but I am bitter and angry towards my own situation. I discovered last year that Devon's angelversary came with a few weeks of "God, why did you have to take MY baby? Why did it have to be ME that has to go through this?"...and even though I try to fight them, I do let those thoughts linger ever now and then. Why ME? Why MY baby? I try to stay positive in my life because 1.) it feels better to be positive than negative; and 2.) I want my children to see the positive side of me only. But as we inch closer to that angelversary, that negative side rears its ugly head. I only put up a half fight to ward it off, too.<br />
<br />
It is emotionally exhausting to live through the loss of your baby. You never know when you're going to have good days or bad days, when something as small as a baby sock - or something as big as watching Return to Zero - will ruin your entire day. I am always on the edge mentally, expecting the worst but hoping for the best. While my optimism is stronger now than it was in the weeks after my loss, I am still not the overly optimistic person I was before Devon died. I totally expect that one of my living children will be taken from me, thoughts that I know will probably send me back to therapy because I just can't live with that fear for much longer. The anxiety, the fear, the sadness, the hurt, the anger...I can suppress it and accept it, but it's hard as hell to move past - and it's impossible to fully forget.<br />
<br />
I have met more loss moms over the last year, and their stories break my heart. I watch them go through all the things I went through - absolute disbelief and denial. Unbearable sadness and heartache. Anger - SO much anger. They live in this fog, this haze, just trying to survive each breath without losing their minds to the grief. But then, as the time slowly passes, they come out of that fog and start to live again. They get in shape, pick up new hobbies, have more babies. They have more happy than sad days, don't dwell on the circumstances of the loss as much, start to move forward. But they never, ever forget. I certainly will never, ever forget.<br />
<br />
For those who continue to read my blog - even with my depressing posts - thank you. Thanks for your kind words, your support, your love. I will need that more than ever as I come up on another year without my sweet angel boy. It's funny how time continues to move around you, even when your world is standing still.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-42737112941806631632014-07-10T00:15:00.006-05:002014-07-10T00:22:05.644-05:00Return to Zero.I knew about Return to Zero from various loss sites and knew the movie would be coming out on Lifetime. I knew when the first airing was on because my Facebook feed was flooded with people - loss parents, supporters, people who enjoy Lifetime movies in general - providing feedback. I saw it on my TV guide but didn't record because, well, I didn't know if I had the strength to watch it.<br />
<br />
Turns out, I did.<br />
<br />
I found the movie on my On Demand channel and, without second thought, hit the play button. I sat on my couch for an hour and 45 minutes, praying both kids would stay asleep so they wouldn't hear or see the crying puddle their mother had turned into. That was one of the most intense experiences of my life; I had a knot in my throat and stomach the entire movie. I've never felt that way watching a movie before - but I've also never watched a movie I could relate to so much.<br />
<br />
For those who don't know, Return to Zero is about a couple who lose their baby at 38 weeks and the aftermath. It hit so close to home on so many levels that it was emotionally jarring. I was suddenly thrown back to August 18, 2012, in the quiet maternity ward of Reynolds Army Community Hospital, the place where I was told my son no longer had a heartbeat. I didn't go home like they did in the movie; I stayed, and labored, and cried in a quiet delivery room as the RN and OB carried my angel boy away. I spent time with him, held him, rocked him as I signed the papers signifying his death. We had a memorial - one I barely remember - and we had him cremated, his ashes sitting in a blue box on my dresser. I remembered the dark hole that the lead character lived in, and I cringed at the ridiculous crap people said in the movie (although I never had someone tell me Devon was up there picking out a healthy baby for me; I would have slapped that person if I'd ever been told that). I recalled the tense moments between me and J, the ease I shut him - and others - out as I figured out how to move on after my baby had died on my watch. I remember the guilt, the anger, and anguish...it all came back so clear as I watched.<br />
<br />
I cried the entire movie. God, did I cry. I sat on my overly warm couch, curled up under a blanket I didn't need but wanted anyway, and I bawled my eyes out. I almost threw things, because I remembered it all, and it hurt. I could've stopped the movie and made the hurt go away, but I didn't. I watched, and I wept, and I remembered.<br />
<br />
But you know what? I am SO glad I watched the movie. I am SO glad that this movie was made, was put out there for people to see. No one wants to talk about pregnancy and infant loss because it's taboo. I think some people truly believe that something as awful as a baby dying never happens, but I am living proof that it does. Return to Zero was spot on with the experiences, and the emotions, and the things that can happen after you experience such a devastating loss. I hope it was an eye-opening experience for people, that those who have never gone through this can sorta understand what really happens when a baby dies.<br />
<br />
At first, I regretted starting the movie with no one else to watch it with me, because I thought I would want the support. But I'm glad I watched it alone, because I could really remember, and really cry, and get through the movie at my own pace while dealing with all the emotions. It was probably the hardest movie I'll ever watch, but it is also one of the best I'll ever watch.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px !important;" /></a>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-40380119812877785872014-06-20T18:57:00.002-05:002014-06-21T00:15:09.462-05:00Different.JJ is different. He's always been different. He had trouble sleeping (and still spends nights in my bed), he had SO many ear infections his first year that he had speech and developmental delays, and he loves to repeat. He can also be ridiculously loud; sometimes, his concept of volume control does not exist. I've had him tested for autism on multiple occasions, and while he isn't on the spectrum, he does have autistic tendencies. He's been on an IEP, and that has done wonders...we are so fortunate to be in the school system that we are, because they have helped JJ grow by leaps and bounds. While our current daycare is fabulous, he was kicked out of another when they couldn't handle him and wouldn't work with us (but if he hadn't been kicked out, i probably would have put off all the testing i did, which would have delayed jj getting the help he needed to grow). While that boy is the light of my life and is so bright and funny and charming, he's different. That's always been fine with me, because I will always love him and support him, no matter what.<br />
<br />
Today, though, I realized just how different he is.<br />
<br />
We had Chick-Fil-A for dinner, and I let him play on the indoor playground equipment. There were other, older kids playing, so I sat in there with Mia to keep an eye on things. The older kids were annoyed that he was being a little louder than them and that he kept repeating what they said, and I felt myself getting defensive. I explained to JJ that he couldn't be loud because it was hurting their ears, and that he needed to use his own words and let them play. I also explained to the kids that JJ likes to repeat words and that's just something he does; he doesn't do it to be mean or annoy. One seemed to understand; the other ignored me but didn't say anything to JJ again. I'm glad I was in there to diffuse what could have been an escalating situation, but it made me sad. I can't always be there for JJ when he's in situations like that, and he doesn't understand yet that his repeating and loudness can annoy others (no matter how much i, along with many other adults, try to tell him). What would have happened if I hadn't been there? Would the kids have pushed him? Yelled at him? Been mean to him? Is that what he will face throughout his younger years, until he can get his differences under control?<br />
<br />
I did get frustrated with JJ over the situation and cut our outing short. During our drive home, though, I apologized to him. I shouldn't have gotten short with him, because it's not his fault he's different. Why should he have to change who he is because he's not exactly like everyone else? As a parent, today's situation made my heart hurt, because I now fully realize the challenges JJ could face because he's different. The mama bear inside of me is more than ready to come out and swat at people who give my son a hard time (she came dangerously close to coming out today), and I do realize that JJ will need to learn how to handle things differently in public vs. private/home situations. But damn it. I just want the best for my child. I want him to be liked, and appreciated - not bullied or laughed at because he likes to repeat words, or because he doesn't like to eat vegetables.<br />
<br />
Kids are cruel. I see stories all the time of kids - both younger and older - bullying each other, fighting each other, and that is not an environment I want JJ in at all. I know that I can't always control the situation, though, and I can't hold him back from experiences because I'm afraid of how he'll be treated. He'll never grow if I shelter him, even though the only thing I want to do is protect him from all the bad things out there that could hurt him - both physically and mentally.<br />
<br />
Being a parent is so hard.<br />
<br />
I guess the only thing I can do is protect JJ as much as I can, teach him how to handle situations like that (i think that will become easier as he gets older; the kid is only 5 years old, and i have to treat him like he's 5 and not force him to grow up faster than he already is), and be in his corner 100 percent. I support him, I love him, and I will do everything I can to provide the best for him. I just hope that that's enough to raise my different, brilliant, beautiful boy.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-38172880776588279772014-05-19T20:05:00.004-05:002014-05-19T20:05:55.615-05:00Dear 18-Year-Old Self...It's been almost ten years since I graduated from high school [yeah. i can't believe i'm getting that old], and I've been dwelling on it a lot lately as that milestone nears. I keep thinking about the person I was at 18 and the person I am now, and I decided to write a letter to my 18-year-old self:<br />
<br />
<br />
Dear 18-Year-Old Self,<br />
<br />
Congratulations! You're graduating high school! Ten years ago, you were sitting in the Great Plains Coliseum with the rest of your classmates, wearing that dark green cap and gown, talking excitedly with your friends about your summer plans, trying not to puke as you prepared to give your speech in front of the entire class [and their family, friends and other people]. You will have this perfect plan of how your life will work out, and you are convinced it will happen that way.<br />
<br />
Guess what? It didn't. [you'll learn soon enough that plans hardly ever go the way you think they will] But you know what? That's OK. You will still have a great life, even if it doesn't go according to plan.<br />
<br />
You will go to Oklahoma State and love every single moment of college. You will do things you never thought you'd do, win awards you weren't quite sure how you won, make lifelong friends and lose others. You will love your dorm, love your schooling, love your jobs and love college. You will try not to take your four years for granted, but you will - they fly by much quicker than you thought they would. But you will fall in love with OSU, bleed orange to the core, and be so glad you chose to go there instead of out of state.<br />
<br />
The guy across the street? Yeah. THAT guy. You'll marry him. [don't make that face] You will find similarities - and differences - and fall in love with him. It will not be easy, and it will not be what you expected. But you will love him, and he will love you.<br />
<br />
You will not become the sports PR person for the Dallas Mavericks. No matter how much you wanted it, you just didn't go for it. Deep down, you knew you didn't want to work crazy hours and travel all the time because you wanted to be with J, and start a family, and settle down. That alternate life you envisioned for yourself is the one that will come true, and you won't regret it for a second. [oh, and by the way - oklahoma gets its own nba franchise. i know, right?! we were surprised, too!]<br />
<br />
You will become a mother A LOT sooner than you anticipated - but your son will make your life worth living. You will face lots of challenges with him, but he will always be your little boy, and you will love him more than you thought you could ever love anyone in your life. He will love you unconditionally in return, and it will be the most awesome thing ever. Having the title of "mommy" will be, by far, your most favorite title. You, he and J will have a rough few years, but with the strong support from your parents and sister, you will make it out and be OK. Everything will always be OK.<br />
<br />
You will lose a child. And it will rock your world. You will not see it coming, you will not know how to handle it, and THAT'S OK. You will feel this indescribable pain that you would never wish on your worst enemy, and you will spend many days wondering if life is worth living anymore if you don't have both your boys. But it will be worth living. You will find the strength, the support, and the drive to keep going and to heal. It will not be easy, and you will continue to have bad days and miss your sweet angel for the rest of your life...but you will come out stronger on the other side, and he will forever be a big part of your life.<br />
<br />
You will have a daughter. She will be absolutely beautiful. It will be a hard road getting her here, but your rainbow will be worth it, and she will be amazing. It will not be easy parenting a rainbow, and you will find days you feel like a failure to both of your living children. Stay strong. Keep pushing. You can do anything you set your mind to, trust me.<br />
<br />
You will lose your way a few times with your family, but you will always go back. They are way more important than you give them credit for being. One day, you will tone the dramatics down and realize just how great they are. The teenage years of angst and "life's not fair!" will leave, and you will start to find the good in life again. Your family is a big part of that good in life, and don't you forget it.<br />
<br />
You will find a job that you love, a life that you love, and you will be OK. It will not be the life you envisioned, at all. But you will not, for one second, regret any part of your life. You are meant to do all the things you do, meant to make all the decisions you do, and it will make you a stronger and better person for facing everything head-on. You will learn to lean on people, trust people, make great friends who will always be there for you, and it will be a beautiful life.<br />
<br />
You will face the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. You will wonder if life could get any better and if life could get any worse. You will question your decisions, your ability to be a good mom, your ability to keep it all together when things are bad. But you will do it. You are strong, you are beautiful, and you are worth it. You won't always remember that, but it will always be true.<br />
<br />
So congratulations, 18-year-old self. You have SO much more life to live, and remember - it is the life you were meant to live. Enjoy it.<br />
<br />
28-Year-Old Self<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-12612916296035962812014-03-27T23:49:00.000-05:002014-03-27T23:49:07.378-05:00Golden.28.<br />
<br />
Growing up, I always waited for my golden birthday. I like numbers [even though i hate math], so turning 28 on the 28th was always this magic goal I had. I know, I'm weird.<br />
<br />
But now that it's actually here...it's just so weird. A lot has happened the last couple of weeks that have put a little bit of a damper on my birthday, and the stress of two kids and being back at work has really stretched me thin lately. BUT, it's still my golden birthday, and I still plan to enjoy it.<br />
<br />
I can honestly say that I NEVER imagined my life would have gone the way it's gone, especially the last couple of years. I can say, though, that I have no regrets and am a stronger person for everything that life has thrown at me. At this point, I've been the highest of the high [having my babies] and the lowest of the low [losing Devon]...and I'm still standing. Well, barely. Parenting two children is tough, yo.<br />
<br />
As I look toward another year on this planet, my main goal is to make sure to make the most of the moments I have with my family. During this year, Mia will hit a lot of her firsts, including her first birthday, so I have so much to look forward. And JJ will turn SIX and start kindergarten. Wut. Just...wut. How did my first-born get so big so fast?! J is also deployed again, so we will have to make it through that as a family. My 10-year high school reunion will be this fall as well. So much is going on!<br />
<br />
As I start a new year, I just wish for health, happiness and love. There hasn't been a dull moment the last few years, and I think 28 will be the same. I'm so happy to be ringing this birthday in with our sweet rainbow baby, and I'm so happy that I'm in a much better place now than I was a year ago. This past year was a great year for me - lost weight, ran my first 5K, gained a brother-in-law and, most importantly, had Mia - even though it started out rough because I was still reeling from losing Devon. It's refreshing to look back on the last year and be able to smile about it; I hope I can do the same a year from now when I'm about to turn 29.<br />
<br />
29. One year from 30. Holy crap.<br />
<br />
Happy Golden Birthday to me. :)<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-69924431300810403422014-02-11T09:32:00.004-06:002014-02-11T09:32:54.692-06:00One month old.I can't believe that Mia is one month old now. The last month has gone by so quickly...shoot, 2014 is going by so quickly! How are we already almost halfway through February?!<br />
<br />
The last month has had its ups and downs, but it's been great overall. She's growing so fast - I had forgotten how fast newborn babies grow! She's out of her newborn clothes and into most of her 0-3 month clothes...thank goodness, because I bought a ton of 0-3 month clothes that she can wear! I'm not quite sure how much she weighs since she won't go back to the doctor for another month, but she is seemingly picking up weight and growing the way that she should. After spending two weeks on formula, we met with a lactation consultant and started exclusively breastfeeding...that's a whole new experience, since JJ was formula-fed. We're making it work, though, and I'm actually enjoying it now that I've made it through a couple of weeks. I hope to keep breastfeeding after I go back to work next month.<br />
<br />
She is really a good baby during the day. She spends most of it sleeping, wakes up every 2-3 hours to eat, then goes back down. At night, though, she is wide awake. She still has her days and nights switched, which makes for a long night for me; she usually only stays up for 3-4 hours before knocking out, though, so at least she's not up all night long. She still isn't a big fan of the pacifier but is a big fan of skin-to-skin time and snuggling with mama. She's starting to recognize voices and seems to calm down when her big brother is around, which is so precious. I'm a little concerned about how close they will be since they're 5 years apart in age, but so far, it seems like they have a great relationship.<br />
<br />
JJ is such a great big brother. He always gets me things when I ask, likes to help carry and hold baby sis, and always greets her with a hug [and a head pat] when we pick him up from daycare. I am still trying to give him one-on-one time when he gets home, and it's getting better as Mia gets older and our routine gets more established. I hope this trend continues.<br />
<br />
Physically, I feel great. I'm back in my regular clothes, for the most part, but I refuse to step on a scale until my postpartum appointment next week. I'm getting a couple of hours of sleep at a time [when i can get it], so I'm sleepy a lot of the time...but I'm hanging in there. I feel like I bounced back quicker from this pregnancy than my previous two, and that may be because I still have to keep up with things since JJ is here and on an established routine. I think breastfeeding is helping, too; it's forcing me to eat healthier and keep my water intake up, since those help with providing milk for Mia. I hope to start running again when I go back to work in March.<br />
<br />
Maternity leave is awesome. I'm not anywhere near ready to go back to work, so I'm glad I have one more month off. I've been a pretty lazy bum while home, but I do keep up with the housework. I should get out and go grocery shopping, but we got 2 inches of snow last night, so I'm not going anywhere but my couch. Ha. I thought I would be more active while I've been home, but I just want to snuggle with Mia and sleep during the day - which is pretty much all I do. With half of my maternity leave gone, though, I should probably start to get back on a semi-routine. Maybe. I've spent a lot of my leave snuggling with Mia on the couch while watching Food Network, HGTV or soap operas...don't think I want it any other way at this point, either.<br />
<br />
We had Mia's newborn pictures three weeks ago, and they came out so great. I shared a couple of the pics on Facebook but am going to put some of my faves here. Every day, I look at Mia and can't believe that she's here, can't believe that she's mine. I do still have my moments of absolute sadness, because raising a rainbow is still hard. It reminds me of all of the moments I didn't get with Devon, and it makes me miss him even more. But I like to think that, when Mia is sleeping and starts to smile, she's talking to her big brother up there. I know that may seem silly, but that does give me comfort.<br />
<br />
The first month of Mia's life has been great. I can't wait to watch her keep growing. I am beyond smitten with my sweet girl.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNPE8svMuzLktlMuZ3iHoOjWmsME25AytrLrNI3oZf8Nj-v1rP4vySKLV_IvXnhsjHfjcqR_xRLXphnijkQqDXKA4yz0Z8KZbPv4Me3zfDUM_7C8mDOF_Dl-DDneonfqz6mZbmlzDv4rlb/s1600/mia015.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNPE8svMuzLktlMuZ3iHoOjWmsME25AytrLrNI3oZf8Nj-v1rP4vySKLV_IvXnhsjHfjcqR_xRLXphnijkQqDXKA4yz0Z8KZbPv4Me3zfDUM_7C8mDOF_Dl-DDneonfqz6mZbmlzDv4rlb/s1600/mia015.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sweet Pea has her daddy wrapped around her finger already.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhllrnLGG0nfDuLx40IA1paW0yLjDnQxHIsZQVNStWXD4tqhh46mslwMYNvsQLgvfbMAEb8vBAIYlSSsLQEHKdFOyxtSdibOw8TeIgvqsgdNtLar5PrHka_JlB0b2lxLHaDyHtcg4Wpo2KS/s1600/mia022.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhllrnLGG0nfDuLx40IA1paW0yLjDnQxHIsZQVNStWXD4tqhh46mslwMYNvsQLgvfbMAEb8vBAIYlSSsLQEHKdFOyxtSdibOw8TeIgvqsgdNtLar5PrHka_JlB0b2lxLHaDyHtcg4Wpo2KS/s1600/mia022.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Love.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhob58HY2svumtksEWsaAa7KVrgg3glAvU-vAz0fQuItkbgLSYyXnrfGOXXFl4pbwjqLHI0bOBPFw6YYSUmJPQWmBbCPqZCkIQpv5Igjvr93sdoUctWjRa4fFh9p7L8HP4JrTZ1FMrzEZvR/s1600/mia030.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhob58HY2svumtksEWsaAa7KVrgg3glAvU-vAz0fQuItkbgLSYyXnrfGOXXFl4pbwjqLHI0bOBPFw6YYSUmJPQWmBbCPqZCkIQpv5Igjvr93sdoUctWjRa4fFh9p7L8HP4JrTZ1FMrzEZvR/s1600/mia030.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is one of my faves.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHAxeG-5ZgG-FW0Qekb_XLr3f5zdPPH7Jf0K8xKopA8QCp9huo6XkyTYTY5192-F7U5m9tmWTFVNcveabQ24DDei_JTEZ4keraQYo8VsfbIjuzo-SIVyAKr5T8e-Ij7BlwPYZprmIxeRW2/s1600/mia042.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHAxeG-5ZgG-FW0Qekb_XLr3f5zdPPH7Jf0K8xKopA8QCp9huo6XkyTYTY5192-F7U5m9tmWTFVNcveabQ24DDei_JTEZ4keraQYo8VsfbIjuzo-SIVyAKr5T8e-Ij7BlwPYZprmIxeRW2/s1600/mia042.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Adore this girl.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1im7NS3bRywuQL4PulZ-oBQ3qm-zlxmDIbsOAb1Hk3QdjZD35w0vvr0bKzn4mo9NK9miR_VV41DJjIn41zHC8b458IwK4VhbBcBd9y8xsPU-fmw3b-SyjTux-KbPKD2EmgFnqEP1ENbPs/s1600/mia045.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1im7NS3bRywuQL4PulZ-oBQ3qm-zlxmDIbsOAb1Hk3QdjZD35w0vvr0bKzn4mo9NK9miR_VV41DJjIn41zHC8b458IwK4VhbBcBd9y8xsPU-fmw3b-SyjTux-KbPKD2EmgFnqEP1ENbPs/s1600/mia045.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Baby yawns are the cutest!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRqGEVms_R4OFmNXuy69BhATicttmF4IpjL9IzAtkw8tUl8rZ2NH7fia3mg9B1tn6vw2q0PQxF1WA4R18oDJPybZvInm57dhDR0X7yRawNQPpLWND3J_cPSxt2dX19Jc5YOKrJCboa9_CD/s1600/mia053.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRqGEVms_R4OFmNXuy69BhATicttmF4IpjL9IzAtkw8tUl8rZ2NH7fia3mg9B1tn6vw2q0PQxF1WA4R18oDJPybZvInm57dhDR0X7yRawNQPpLWND3J_cPSxt2dX19Jc5YOKrJCboa9_CD/s1600/mia053.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of my absolute faves.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQmWDnHBRZFHAke2EQlF0qpQQJuboxpjhWqegms8hLASwMlWtzBXtsvJtiLMX67MERmtylujPKNE1EzQ3mxWHCSuvLcFZWHvSMwNQFSedOCki7ltPA3kQt0El9jo3DCquqt5lKMaXBFPPS/s1600/mia061.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQmWDnHBRZFHAke2EQlF0qpQQJuboxpjhWqegms8hLASwMlWtzBXtsvJtiLMX67MERmtylujPKNE1EzQ3mxWHCSuvLcFZWHvSMwNQFSedOCki7ltPA3kQt0El9jo3DCquqt5lKMaXBFPPS/s1600/mia061.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wide awake - and so adorable. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2V55Zkyy9Y5vmRV-3Ru0koabg2Bo1efp85VM52n-1RxtEDL0YjoNFVh8FmrcpIVlTHZ1Sw5lhp-k0i_1Rrzlnxqw0Sc3PlvDpMJFhMFfh44u3SSMMjPt_65dAlBna0KmAdR9BMiK77lHz/s1600/mia077.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2V55Zkyy9Y5vmRV-3Ru0koabg2Bo1efp85VM52n-1RxtEDL0YjoNFVh8FmrcpIVlTHZ1Sw5lhp-k0i_1Rrzlnxqw0Sc3PlvDpMJFhMFfh44u3SSMMjPt_65dAlBna0KmAdR9BMiK77lHz/s1600/mia077.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is my favorite. Ever. Can't wait to frame this one. </td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrrMDaO01OezXE01sR9C_4I1C385Nu_cv8Acntx2GWAwCatl7fuuMyWZiHPhqffeHCC1KTwwibtV9HkUCj296OCsoztRGAUCLIABvgsI48Xkygg30N1O-hkAd2-06eIBgKfHtBnCyDLUea/s1600/mia100.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrrMDaO01OezXE01sR9C_4I1C385Nu_cv8Acntx2GWAwCatl7fuuMyWZiHPhqffeHCC1KTwwibtV9HkUCj296OCsoztRGAUCLIABvgsI48Xkygg30N1O-hkAd2-06eIBgKfHtBnCyDLUea/s1600/mia100.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I love her faces - and her onesie.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7E5TLy69kC-NVDxtE20VZlmfEUP1gZ2mzwhh3d5nqgvyG_chPsx3OG-QiDx55x6dTL-MO4SS7EqiGCmYyqjaJAg3Pru4BT46rzjlyJshPT_NI67OI1oCmUO-JpaZSCBKet_oi4_9mXam_/s1600/mia120.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7E5TLy69kC-NVDxtE20VZlmfEUP1gZ2mzwhh3d5nqgvyG_chPsx3OG-QiDx55x6dTL-MO4SS7EqiGCmYyqjaJAg3Pru4BT46rzjlyJshPT_NI67OI1oCmUO-JpaZSCBKet_oi4_9mXam_/s1600/mia120.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You make me happier than you'll ever know, sweet girl.</td></tr>
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<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-40343533181300683422014-01-13T22:50:00.001-06:002014-01-21T04:54:38.275-06:00Our precious rainbow is here. And she's amazing. [also, this entry is reeeeally long]I can't believe I get to write this...but I do. And I couldn't be happier.<br />
<br />
Our Baby Sweet Pea, Mia Ka'iulani, was born on Thursday, January 9th, 2014, at 9:09am. 6 lbs., 13.7 oz., 19" long. She made a very, VERY fast appearance into this world, one that saw her mama have an epi-free, almost natural birth. She was determined to get here, lemme tell ya.<br />
<br />
Back on December 23, my MFM told me that I should deliver between 38-39 weeks. Cool. No big deal. I told my OB when I saw him on December 30, and we went ahead and scheduled my induction for January 9th; I would go in on the 8th at 7pm to start things. Based on measurements, I would be 38w6d, so it worked out. Even by my original due date, I would still be almost 38 weeks, so she would be just about full term. At that point, I just wanted her out and in my arms, even though things were looking fine on the inside [besides the fact that her NSTs weren't all that great; she just wasn't an active baby at the end]. I will admit that I was a little worried we were taking her too early, but again - I wanted her out instead of in anyway.<br />
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I went back to work from Christmas break on January 2nd and started maternity leave prep. I also spent those last days finishing our bags, cleaning house and setting things up for Mia's arrival. There were some nights where contractions started up, but nothing ever came of those, so I knew I would probably make it to my induction date. J flew in the night of January 7th, and that's when things started to feel real. I was so thrilled to have him back with us.<br />
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I did work on the 8th - J caught up on sleep while I was at work, and working kept my mind preoccupied - and was just about out the door when I got a call from the hospital. They were completely booked [i had been warned when i scheduled my induction that they were going to be a full unit that week] and had no room for me to come in at 7pm. They put me on standby and hoped I could get in before midnight. I was a little deflated at that point - I had spent ALL DAY excited about getting this show on the road - but it did give me more time with JJ. So I went home, hung out with the mens and J's best friend, who had come in to town, and waited on my mom to get there. I did indulge in a banana split while waiting, too. :) I decided to take a nap at 9:30pm but kept my phone ringer turned up, just in case I got a call. At 10:30pm, the hospital called - they had a bed! Yay! I took a shower, shaved, grabbed my bags, said bye to everyone, and J and I headed to the hospital. I got there around 11:30pm, got admitted and was in a room by 11:45pm. My night RN, Paula, got me all settled and started Cervadil around 12:15am on the 9th.<br />
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I was too excited to sleep, but I tried to anyway. I dozed on and off until 2:15am, which is when I started feeling contractions. My sister and I were texting back and forth, which helped me through the contractions - they were coming every 4-5 minutes from the start. I remember texting her and saying that she should probably come up sooner rather than later, since I thought I would have a baby by lunch; she hopped in the car and drove up in the middle of the night. She's so awesome. I paged Paula around 4:30am and asked for some IV meds so I could try and get some rest; they definitely helped me relax. I felt so drunk - it was awesome. :P My sister arrived sometime after 5, and I dozed on and off until my OB arrived at 6:30am. I had gone from a 1 to a 3 on the Cervadil, so he went ahead and broke my water. My day RNs, Jennifer and Stephanie, started me on a round of pitocin at 7:45am. I settled in, mentally started preparing to get an epidural, and started to get excited. Mia was on her way!<br />
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I was still feeling the IV meds until after my pitocin was bumped at 8:15am; after that, the contractions started coming on pretty quick. By 8:30am, I was really uncomfortable and wanted an epi. I was at a 5-6, so the pitocin was turned off, but Jennifer wanted me to labor it out until 9am to see if my body was good to go or if I needed to get back on pitocin. I was in pain but thought I could make it to 9am. Mia, however, had other plans. By 8:40, I was shaking uncontrollably and just knew I was in transition; the contractions started coming every 1-2 minutes and were really, really intense. My sister paged the RNs, who rushed back to check me - I was nearly at an 8 and quickly progressing towards a 10. They put in the order for the epi and for my OB to come back [he'd gone to the office, which was right up the street], but things just moved too quickly. By 8:55, I was at a 10 and was told that I wouldn't be getting the epi after all.<br />
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Excuse me? No epi? I was about to have a natural birth?!<br />
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At that point, I was in so much pain that I could barely think straight, but my sister, J and the RNs helped me concentrate so I didn't lose my mind. Things were moving so quickly that there was barely time to think. I remember watching the RNs scramble around to get things ready and someone paging my OB to get there ASAP. I had to labor down until things got set up and my OB arrived around 9:05am; I still don't really know how I pulled that off. Two contractions and three pushes later, Mia was here. She didn't cry out right away like JJ had done when he was born, which worried me - but I did get to see her right after she was born, and she was OK. The RNs whisked her away to get her checked out, and I just sat there wondering what the hell had happened. Had I really had a baby that fast? With no epi? Really?<br />
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Things happened so quickly that my mom almost didn't make it; she got there just as I started to push. Shoot, my OB barely made it in time to deliver her. Mia's quick arrival did cause her some problems; she had very low blood sugar and some breathing issues. She also didn't really cry much as they were cleaning her and checking her out. She was taken to the nursery for testing and observation, and I didn't get to see her for another 2-3 hours. During that time, I got stitched up [had one first degree tear], cleaned up and got to process what had just happened. People kept telling me I was a rock star for pulling through that, but I was in shock that 1.) our rainbow was here, and 2.) she had come so quickly!<br />
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Mia was eventually brought back to us once her blood sugar stabilized, but she had to be checked every 4-5 hours. That sucked, because they kept having to stick her tiny little feet with a needle; that was hard for mama to watch. She also had some bruising on her face from how fast she had been born, but that has since gone down considerably. When I really got to hold her for the first time, I was in absolute awe. She had tons of dark hair and was so, so tiny. I couldn't believe how precious and tiny she was! We tried breastfeeding, but that hasn't gone so well, so I'm not quite sure if that's going to stick or not. She was - and still is - a fairly quiet baby who is pretty content as long as she's fed and not changed. She hates when we change her clothes and/or diaper. :) I spent that whole first night snuggling her; she was just amazing.<br />
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She was monitored on Friday, we had some visitors at the hospital, then we were discharged around 5:30pm. Going home with a baby in a car seat instead of empty arms almost had me in tears; I was beyond relieved that she was coming home with us. It has been quite the adjustment, but we are all managing after a couple of days at home. My awesome parents spent the weekend with us and were such a huge help. J has also been incredible. I've been pretty sore from the stitches and whole labor/delivery process, but I'm starting to feel better and have more energy. I hope that by the end of the week, I feel just about human again.<br />
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Mia is an awesome baby. JJ has been an awesome big brother, too. He has wanted to hold her, carry her, and play trains with her...he is the sweetest. It's been a struggle to make sure he gets lots of attention, but for the most part, he's done well - and I'm figuring it out. It's been important to me that we keep a routine for JJ's sake, and we're doing that, for the most part. I'm a little sleep deprived when I take him to school in the mornings, but that's no big deal. :)<br />
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This entry has gotten ridiculously long, so I'll stop rambling. I'm so grateful our rainbow is here; at the same time, I'm also sad that Devon isn't here with us. I keep thinking of all the things I missed out on with Devon, but I also remind myself that Mia is here because our love for Devon kept us going and eventually led us to Mia - so I need to cherish every single moment with our rainbow baby. I do feel overwhelmed at times by everything, but I'm managing. I'm just so, SO glad Mia is here. She's just...perfect.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/521B3C63-D4B7-4EC0-99F7-70468956C360_zpsyvflynox.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/521B3C63-D4B7-4EC0-99F7-70468956C360_zpsyvflynox.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My very last bump pic at 38w5d - the day we checked in to the hospital.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/4C634391-A9B3-49B1-B2C1-65524E4AAAC6_zps77nyoz2t.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/4C634391-A9B3-49B1-B2C1-65524E4AAAC6_zps77nyoz2t.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">First time I really got to hold her. Such a sweet girl.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/29438511-D0A9-474A-B216-A64A0E73064F_zpsl185s9lz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/29438511-D0A9-474A-B216-A64A0E73064F_zpsl185s9lz.jpg" height="320" width="238" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sweet snuggles.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/3A122310-1F2F-4AAE-9D9B-7FC2926E1963_zpsqfcw6rjz.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/3A122310-1F2F-4AAE-9D9B-7FC2926E1963_zpsqfcw6rjz.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Going home!</td></tr>
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-57162089546538096832013-12-29T20:17:00.003-06:002013-12-29T20:17:51.527-06:00What a year.Is today really the last Sunday of the year? Are there seriously only TWO days left in 2013? Where in the world has this year gone?!<br />
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As I look back on the year that was, I can't believe how fast it went. I can't believe how far I've come. I can't believe what is coming in 2014. After a very, VERY hard 2012, I wasn't quite sure what 2013 would bring. I figured it HAD to be better than 2012, but I wasn't quite sure if that would be the case. You never know just what life will throw at you after you get the hardest moment of your life thrown at you unexpectedly.<br />
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I can honestly say, though, that 2013 has been a pretty awesome year. I've come so far mentally and physically, overcome so much, found strength I didn't know that I had. It's been quite the year.<br />
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<b>Highlight of the year: </b>Finding out we were expecting our rainbow. I wasn't even sure I wanted to try again after losing Devon, but I'm glad that we did decide to give parenthood another shot. This pregnancy has been challenging in several ways, but the end is near - I'm being induced on January 9. We're just days away from meeting our sweet Mia.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/9CF0D7D2-2265-4C9B-BD3C-B493E3BF442C_zpsfqpmekwg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/9CF0D7D2-2265-4C9B-BD3C-B493E3BF442C_zpsfqpmekwg.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My latest belly shot on Christmas morning at almost 37 weeks. We're ready for you, sweet girl!</td></tr>
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<b>Lowlight of the year: </b>Probably struggling with Devon's loss. The first four months were really hard for me because I still was struggling with losing him. Counseling really helped me move forward, and I'm in a much better place now.<br />
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<b>My "WTF, I did that?!" moment of the year: </b>I ran my first 5K! When I started training in January, I wasn't quite sure I would be able to pull it off...and training started to fade the last couple of weeks as I battled through shin splints and a busy schedule. But I finished the training and ran my first 5K at the end of April. I quit running as soon as I found out I was pregnant, but I'm looking forward to running again. I actually kinda miss it.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/null_zps984ba51c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/null_zps984ba51c.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I posted this pic in a previous post, but I'm posting it again. Me after the OKC Memorial 5K in April. :)</td></tr>
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<b>Proud mama moment of the year: </b>Sending JJ off to his first day of pre-k. Walking him in to his school and leaving him was so hard, but he loves school and has done so well this semester. I can't believe he's old enough to be in school!<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/null_zpsa2bdb903.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/null_zpsa2bdb903.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Teary hugs good bye on JJ's first day of school.</td></tr>
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<b>Strongest moment of the year: </b>Getting through Devon's angelversary. That big milestone was really, really hard - I hadn't cried that much since he died - but I was also relieved to have made it through my first year without him. I still think about him often and miss him so much, even with Mia on the way...there will always be a hole in my heart from his loss, but I am not struggling with it anymore. I've been able to move forward but still keep him a part of my life.<br />
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<b>Other highlight moments: </b>JJ turning 5 [more on that in a different post], turning 27, finding out I'm going to be an aunt(!), getting my dad back from Afghanistan for good.<br />
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Overall, 2013 was a great year...one that will be remembered for more ups than downs, which I'm so grateful for. When the year began, I wasn't quite sure how it would go - but I tried to make the most of it, and I think that I did. There's so much to look forward to in 2014:<br />
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-- Sweet Pea's arrival [11 days!]<br />
-- My five-year wedding anniversary [seriously? five years?]<br />
-- My golden birthday [28 on March 28th]<br />
-- My first niece/nephew's arrival at the end of May<br />
-- JJ starts kindergarten/Devon's second angelversary in August<br />
-- My 10-year high school reunion in September/October [yikes]<br />
-- All of Mia's firsts, and watching JJ grow into a big 6-year-old<br />
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So thanks for the memories, 2013. I cannot wait to see what 2014 has in store for me.<br />
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<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-57018580755595201812013-11-15T16:47:00.001-06:002013-11-15T16:51:09.844-06:00Twenty thangs.So, you guys know about that new Facebook thing, right? You get assigned a number, and you have to write that many facts about yourself in a status update.<br />
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Well.<br />
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Silly me liked my sister's status when she did that, and she gave me the number TWENTY. As in, 2-0. Of course she would be the one to do that.<br />
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-________-<br />
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Instead of writing all 20 things in this long Facebook status that would make half of you hide me from your feed [if you haven't already], I decided just to write a blog post. That way, you can read all of this if you want...or leave now, and not be bored.<br />
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<b><u>My Long-Ass List, Thanks to Alicia Jackson</u></b> <br />
1. I shop on Amazon way too much. Like, WAY too much. And I haven't even hit Black Friday yet, which is when I do most of my damage on that site.<br />
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2. I grew up loving the color blue but became a huge orange fan after going to OSU and discovering that I actually look decent in orange. :P<br />
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3. I love heart charms. I have a heart charm bracelet, heart charm necklaces and a heart charm ring. I love the hearts.<br />
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4. I would eat Starburst every day if I could get away with it and not make myself sick.<br />
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5. Gilmore Girls is my all-time favorite show. I cried watching the last episode. I still miss that show, and it's been off the air for years now.<br />
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6. My poor parents had such a hard time managing my hair when I was younger that there are quite a few pictures of me with ridiculously-looking hair. I feel bad for them and how they had to deal with TWO of us with crazy hair; I'm glad the hair products have gotten better and better as we've gotten older.<br />
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7. I am absolutely afraid that I am a horrible mother. That was my biggest fear while pregnant with JJ, and I still have that fear - and the kid is almost 5 now.<br />
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8. I rode a horse once when I was in like, 6th grade [remember Mrs. Belinski, Alicia?!], and I loved it. I really want to ride a horse again someday.<br />
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9. I do NOT like the song "Ebony and Ivory". My name isn't even spelled with a freaking -y at the end. We used to sing that blasted song all the time in elementary school, and I always got made fun of because of it. Lame.<br />
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10. I really am not a confident person. My self-confidence has gotten better as I've gotten older, but I doubt myself way more than I let on.<br />
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11. It doesn't take much for me to cry. I cry when I'm pissed off, I cry during random commercials, I cry watching military homecoming reunions, I cry when my son cries...it's bad. I've always been this emotional.<br />
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12. I was hella dramatic in high school. Good gracious. I still have my dramatic moments, but luckily, my overly dramatic side has calmed down.<br />
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13. I'm not a big fan of odd numbers; they bug me. [and yes, i realize it's a little ironic that i wrote this one on an odd number]<br />
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14. I seriously suck at surprises. I'm that person that wants to tell you what I got you for Christmas the second I buy it. I think it drives my family nuts.<br />
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15. I love making lists. I make lists for everything. I currently have lists made for JJ's birthday party, my will-be-packed-soon hospital bag, potential meal ideas and packing that needs to be done for the Christmas holiday [even though that's like, a month away].<br />
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16. I hate mayonnaise. Like, hate it. If I can even see a tiny bit of it on a burger, or if I can taste even a tiny bit of it in a sandwich or something, I won't eat it. I'll throw it away. Blech.<br />
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17. I love getting my nails done, but I honestly don't have time to get them filled every two weeks - so I quit doing it. I think my nails thank me for it, though, because they're so healthy now. [my pocketbook thanks me, too]<br />
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18. My mom and I are more alike than I'm willing to admit. I used to deny it, but as I've gotten older and become a mother, it's completely obvious that I'm a lot like my mom. I'm not saying that's a bad thing; my mom is awesome. But the realization that you are exactly like your mother is a little terrifying when you totally think you're your own person.<br />
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19. I really admire my sister for everything she has done. She used to be so introverted in high school [which I know is really, really hard to believe]...and she's blossomed since college. I'm so proud of her.<br />
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20. I will only eat Chips Ahoy cookies if they're warmed up in the microwave. That is the ONLY way to eat those cookies.<br />
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OK. There ya go. Twenty things. Thanks a lot, sis. :) And now, because I can, I'm posting a random picture from a shoot JJ did this past weekend with our favorite photographer, Averi. His pictures came out SO AWESOME.<!--3--><br />
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a><!--3-->Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-24897255599513242782013-11-04T18:18:00.001-06:002013-11-04T18:20:06.393-06:00Keep growing, Baby Sweet Pea. [an update]While I don't particularly like the reason why I'm considered high risk this pregnancy, I do like that I get to see Baby Sweet Pea more often via ultrasound than I saw my boys. Today was another one of those ultrasound days - a day I've been anxiously awaiting for more than two months [which is when my last ultrasound was].<br />
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Even though I really shouldn't have been nervous - Sweet Pea had been a VERY active little bean for most of the day - I was totally nervous when I walked into my MFM's office. My awesome mom made the trip up from our hometown to attend the scan with me, so that helped calm my nerves a little bit. My blood pressure was still higher than normal, though, something I'm chalking up to the nerves [but my blood pressure is starting to rise, so gotta keep an eye on that]. The nerves went away as soon as I got first glance at Sweet Pea, though.<br />
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The first thing I thought was, "Man. She's so big!" My last scan was 10 weeks ago, and she has definitely grown a lot since then. Measurements put her four days ahead of my due date [but I'm not changing my EDD] and weighing about 2lbs12oz. She had a bright spot on her heart at her anatomy scan, but that seemed to have disappeared - woo! Everything with her looks great and is developing on track, and she even yawned a few times. The tech even put the 4D on so I could see her that way - so.flipping.awesome. She gave us a wave and yawned again, and I really got to see her little face and hands. It looks like she has my nose. :) It was such a relief to get a great report and to know that she is developing as she should.<br />
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At this point, I'm 28 weeks and almost in the home stretch. I start non-stress tests in three weeks, go back in four for another ultrasound, then I schedule my hospital tour and go to my refresher baby course. The closer we get to January, the more excited I get. I think I'm finally starting to feel like she could come home with us. I'm not as stressed out as I was with my last pregnancy, I've really been watching what I do and try not to overdo it, and I just feel better about things. I've started buying clothes for her, got her car seat, and I'm about to buy her stroller. Eek!<br />
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I really haven't stopped smiling since I left the scan - and it was so neat to share that experience with my mom, who hasn't been to an ultrasound since JJ's 20-week scan [which was more than five years ago, holy crap]. I think she thinks that we pregnant women are spoiled today; technology has advanced so much since my sister and I were born. She couldn't believe the detail we could see with the 4D - and neither could I!<br />
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I hope that I can continue to be excited about Baby Sweet Pea's arrival. Apprehension starts to creep in as I think about how close I am to my loss milestone, but I'm trying to stay positive and believe that she will come home with us. Keep growing, Baby Sweet Pea. I absolutely can't wait to meet you.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/02d8c86d-b342-4579-856d-7af85487aaf7_zps2908a330.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="234" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/02d8c86d-b342-4579-856d-7af85487aaf7_zps2908a330.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">She cooperated and gave us an awesome profile shot today. :)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/c57eb66b-db87-4d28-9091-c4f5737ec9c9_zps233dc816.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="250" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/c57eb66b-db87-4d28-9091-c4f5737ec9c9_zps233dc816.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">She's got the beginnings of my nose. I love that face.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<i>As a side note, thank you all SO much for reading my post on my sweet Devon. It meant the world that so many of you took the time to read my post and leave sweet comments about how beautiful he was. It took a lot for me to share that picture, and I was really anxious about how things would go down after I posted. I'm so grateful to have awesome people in my life. Thank you.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-18632777255733619732013-10-15T18:00:00.001-05:002013-10-15T18:00:11.388-05:00Introducing my sweet Devon.From the moment I laid eyes on his sweet, sleeping face, I was absolutely in love. He had so much hair, long fingers and toes, and was a solid 5 pounds/19.5 inches long. He was absolutely, positively beautiful - and looked so much like his big brother.<br />
<br />
I will never forget the moment the nurse wheeled him in. I was signing paperwork to transfer him to the funeral home and have his certificate of stillbirth finalized, and I just lost it. I am pretty sure I never cried as hard as I did the moment I actually got to hold him for the first time. I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to do it - I didn't actually see him until several hours after he was born sleeping - but I knew I would regret it if I didn't take the time to bond with him before he was lost to the skies forever. I cried my heart out as I mourned the loss of my sweet boy, my second born, a little boy whose eyes I would never see, whose smile I would never see, whose cry I would never hear.<br />
<br />
I held him as I signed the paperwork, rocked him until it was suggested I get some rest and let him go. He was brought back to meet my mom and JJ, then sent to the funeral home. I got to see him one last time at the funeral home and spent an hour with him, my parents, my sister, J, his uncle and cousin, and JJ. I held him one last time, kissed his sweet face, stroke the adorable suit my parents found him - the only pair of clothes he would ever wear. I'll never forget the moment I saw him last, as I placed him in a basket and walked away, my heart forever broken.<br />
<br />
It's been more than a year since I last saw him, and my heart still aches for him. I do have his pictures, and they mean SO MUCH to me...I'm so afraid of losing them that I lock them in a fireproof, flood-proof safe box when I'm not home. Those pictures, along with the onesie he wore at the hospital and my hospital bracelet, are the only things I have of Devon's. I will forever cherish them, especially his pictures.<br />
<br />
For the past year, I've debated about showing the world his sweet face. Only my family members have seen him and his pictures, and I wasn't sure how the rest of the world would handle seeing a sleeping baby. The whole pregnancy/infant loss thing is still such a taboo topic that it's hard to tell how people will react to something like this. We did not have an open casket at his memorial - he was cremated - so no one outside of my family has actually seen what Devon looked like. But today, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I decided it was time to show the world the little boy who will always be a part of me.<br />
<br />
Even as the world has kept going, as I've proudly watched JJ grow from a toddler to a little boy, as I've cherished my rainbow pregnancy, my heart still has a hole that was made the day Devon died. That hole will always be there, until we meet again. For now, though, I have his pictures, our memories together, and my love for him to keep me going on the tough days [like today].<br />
<br />
So...here he is. Devon Alexander, born sleeping on August 19, 2012 at 5:30am. 5 pounds, 19.5 inches of pure perfection. I love you and miss you so much, sweet baby. In an hour, we'll light candles for you and for all of your angel friends - I hope you all can see them from Earth and feel the love your mommies, daddies, siblings, friends and family will always have for you.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/null_zpsf3c758f1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/null_zpsf3c758f1.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-14594533062891334362013-10-11T23:11:00.005-05:002013-10-11T23:11:55.939-05:00Overwhelmed...kinda.It has seriously been a crazy semester for me. I can't believe it's almost the middle of October - the last part of this year has flown by so fast. It's been almost non-stop since school started back up...which I can't complain about, because at least I'm hardly ever bored. I'm always on my toes, doing something, making something, preparing something for work or school.<br />
<br />
But I'll admit - I'm starting to get overwhelmed just a bit.<br />
<br />
I mentioned on FB that I was going to do Capture Your Grief this year...but I started doing the prompts and literally hyperventilated. I just can't do it this year. I'm trying so hard to be positive about this pregnancy and our rainbow that doing something as emotional as Capture Your Grief just isn't in the cards for me, even if I thought I could handle it [which I did]. When I truly don't want to do something, I block it out - and I've been blocking out Capture Your Grief this month, even though I was so excited and determined to do it last month. I almost feel like a failure because I want to remember Devon in every possible way, but I just can't do Capture Your Grief without having some sort of emotional breakdown. It's still so hard to remember, even after a year.<br />
<br />
At this point, I'm almost 25 weeks pregnant with Baby Sweet Pea, and things are starting to get tough. I do feel great physically [besides random pains, lack of sleep and feeling sick after eating certain foods], which is nice...but I'm getting bigger, which is making it harder to do things. Bending over is nearly impossible, as is sitting on the floor because I get uncomfortable quickly. I do have energy, but by the end of a very long day, I just want to crash on the couch - and JJ wants to play. I do what I can to keep him active and to play with him, even though it's definitely getting harder to keep up with him. We went for a walk/bike ride the other day, and I felt like I was going to pass out after we walked about a mile or so [and I definitely was having Braxton Hicks]. Pushing myself physically is getting hard, especially since I really haven't stayed physically active - like running - due to my SCH diagnosis in fir trimester. Sigh.<br />
<br />
On a brighter note, she is definitely more active now than she's ever been, which is putting my PgAL brain at ease. I'm not sure I'll fully breathe again until our next ultrasound - which is three weeks from Monday, finally! [this appointment has been scheduled for almost six weeks now] - but to feel her actually moving and kicking around in there is a relief. I'm not wanting to reach for my doppler every five seconds to make sure her heart is still beating, which is a nice feeling to have [even though I do still check on her with the doppler a couple of times a week...I'm not sure i'll let that habit go until she's born]. A part of me wants to slow this pregnancy down and enjoy it more, but a part also wants it to be January so that she can be nice and safe in my arms. As I get further along and start to show more, I get more excited...but I also get more anxious. My loss milestone is in less than nine weeks now, and I just know I'll start counting down the days as we get closer.<br />
<br />
While i would love to think that I can do everything, I know that I can't - and I have to start acting like that. It's so hard to be a working "single" mom [i put "single" in quotes because i'm definitely still happily married, but with j and i living in two separate states, it falls on me to keep this household running with very little help], to have to put dinner on the table every night, to keep the kitchen cleaned and the clothes washed and JJ nice and happy. I pride myself on keeping it all together, but I do feel myself starting to come apart at the edges. It's becoming a little overwhelming to keep the house together, work together, and myself together for my children...and it kinda puts a damper on things because I want to be able to hold it together. I have to hold it together.<br />
<br />
Tonight, I almost lost it with JJ because he got upset over a little thing [it doesn't take much to set off a 4-year-old; tonight's episode came about because his train track set wouldn't link up right]. I had to pull myself away and calm down before I yelled at him, something I don't want to do. That made him upset, and he started crying. Then I started crying. We sat on the floor and cried together for a couple of minutes before I picked us both back up [with some much-needed hugs and kisses] and got him to bed. It wasn't his fault I was upset; I just let things pile up emotionally, and I just hope I don't explode. It sucks to feel overwhelmed.Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-54988819810626458262013-08-28T22:12:00.002-05:002013-08-28T22:12:08.525-05:00Sugar, spice and everything nice.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: magenta;">It's a girl!</span></div>
<br />
I've been dying to say that since I found out Baby Sweet Pea was probably a girl at 14 weeks. But, being the paranoid person I am, I wanted to wait until my 18-week anatomy scan to make sure the guess was correct. From the beginning, I thought she was a girl - not just because my first tri was a little different from my boys, but just a feeling I had. I had the same feeling with JJ [I just knew he was a boy, even though I had wanted a girl at first] and Devon [even though I doubted my guess for a little while because first tri was SO hard with him], and now I'm three for three. :)<br />
<br />
I'm still a little shocked that Sweet Pea is a girl. After two boys, I was almost sure I'd be destined for another one if we decided to have more children. To feel like she was a girl - and get that confirmation - was just amazing. I may or may not have cried when the tech told me at 14 weeks that baby was a girl; it was so hard to believe at first. All of our family members were surprised but thrilled; it took J awhile to come around to the fact that we are in fact having a girl and not another boy. But I know he will spoil her rotten.<br />
<br />
My anatomy scan went well overall, which was a huge relief. I was so apprehensive since I hadn't had any sort of ultrasound in 4 weeks...and even though the doppler has been a source of comfort for me, it still isn't the same as actually seeing her and knowing she's OK. My sister went with me to the scan, which was awesome - I think she was fascinated by seeing the baby.<br />
<br />
The baby was super active for awhile, then she got tired of being poked at and curled up in a ball. We didn't get any profile shots like we did with our boys, but the tech was still able to get some shots of her as she was getting all the measurements. She even flipped on the 3D mode and got a couple of pictures of her that way; that was SO COOL. I now want to do a 3D elective scan later on down the road. Seeing her like that was awesome. It took awhile to get all the measurements, but she is measuring on track [a couple of days ahead, even], and has all of her parts and is looking good.<br />
<br />
Our only concern is that she has a bright spot on her heart. It is some sort of growth thing [the MFM and other moms-to-be have said what it's called, but I don't remember], and it will hopefully resolve itself in the next few weeks. However, it's a potential soft marker for Downs Syndrome, so that got me for a little bit. But she has no other signs, so we are confident that she is fine; our odds are low that she will have Downs. We're considering more testing, but we'll see what happens. Testing will not change anything; we just want her happy, healthy and in our arms in January. The absolute last thing I want is another late loss or the potential to lose her...we can handle just about anything else, but again, we're all confident she will be fine. Besides that bright spot, she looked fantastic.<br />
<br />
It's so hard to believe that we are having a girl, and that I am nearly halfway to my due date. First trimester dragged on FOREVER, but now that school has started and JJ is in school, time is starting to fly. I go back to the MFM for another scan at 28 weeks, which will be the beginning of November - and I'll be in third tri by then. Holy crap. November seems so far away right now, but considering how busy work is about to become, the time will just fly. I will continue to see my regular OB routinely until my next scan, then we make plans for baby!<br />
<br />
I'm so grateful that Sweet Pea is looking great, that we are headed towards our rainbow baby. I am still cautious, and still using my doppler every other day or so to check her heartbeat. But I'm starting to feel more movement, and before long, I hope that she's kicking away all the time until she arrives in the new year.<br />
<br />
Keep baking and looking great, baby girl. You are so very much loved already.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/1243d967-c662-4e67-8c41-f74041147701_zpsc9d8dfd2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="268" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/1243d967-c662-4e67-8c41-f74041147701_zpsc9d8dfd2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">3D of baby girl and her little arm/hand. :)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/38fa791a-1506-48b3-901c-0a502d8edfcd_zps770cb63c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="304" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/38fa791a-1506-48b3-901c-0a502d8edfcd_zps770cb63c.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sweet little feet!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-1048006544652013372013-08-21T05:02:00.003-05:002013-08-21T05:02:43.973-05:00School days.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
When JJ was born - and the sleepless months after - I always thought, "He is seriously going to stay little forever."</div>
<br />
Well, little definitely didn't last forever [unfortunately].<br />
<br />
Yesterday was JJ's first day of pre-k. Yes, he's been in daycare most of his life, but going to pre-k is a lot different. Yesterday began what will be more than a decade's worth of schooling [not including college], of sports and PTA and new friends and awesome adventures. Yesterday, I had to face the reality that my baby is growing up a lot quicker than I thought he would.<br />
<br />
Can't time just stand still for awhile?<br />
<br />
After the overwhelming day that was Devon's angelversary, having to face this big milestone was hard, too. BUT, I only cried for 30 seconds. I totally thought I'd cry all the way to work, but I didn't [even though it was tempting]. My sister spent the previous night with me, so she went with me to drop JJ off...I'm so glad, because I totally would've bawled my eyes out all day if she hadn't. She would've given me hell if I had. :)<br />
<br />
JJ seemed a little overwhelmed by his new surroundings and the new people, but he went there last year for awhile, so he remembered his old teacher and went with her to get breakfast after we put his things in his cubby and said our goodbyes. As I watched him walk away, my heart sank - because I truly felt like my little boy was no longer little anymore. From here, I think time will just fly by quicker as I watch him go through elementary, junior high/middle, and high school. Soon enough, he'll be a high school graduate and figuring out what he wants to do.<br />
<br />
Geez - look at me. I'm getting waaaaaaay ahead of myself. As a mama, you want your babies to stay little forever; yesterday was confirmation that babies definitely do not stay little forever, and they grow much quicker than you want them to. But I will also enjoy watching him grow, learn, make new friends and become what I hope will be a strong, smart young man.<br />
<br />
I know this entry is all over the place, because I personally feel so scattered emotionally. It's already been a long week, and it's not over. But at least I made it through the first day of school with little breakdowns and more smiles than tears. I'm so proud to be that boy's mama, that's for sure.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/null_zps84ccbf3e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/null_zps84ccbf3e.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">His teacher for the next year.</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/null_zps9cda2c75.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/null_zps9cda2c75.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Walking to the car with Aunty - ready to go!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/null_zpsb23beeb1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/null_zpsb23beeb1.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The best shot I could get of my Superman before we left.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/null_zps2f90a304.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/null_zps2f90a304.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Putting his bag in his cubby!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/null_zpsa2bdb903.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/null_zpsa2bdb903.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Saying my [tearful] good-bye.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/null_zps34d4e353.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/null_zps34d4e353.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Thanks, sissy, for coming with us!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-19934145192203459582013-08-19T00:00:00.000-05:002013-08-19T00:01:19.285-05:00To my sweet boy on his angelversary.To my sweet, sweet Devon:<br />
<br />
Happy Birthday, little man! You would have been a year old today. Well, you are a year old - in heaven, you are. I hope that you're having the most amazing birthday celebration with all of your angel friends. I bet someone made you a giant chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, and all of you are smashing into the cake and enjoying every bite.<br />
<br />
I wish I could put into words just how much I miss you, how much I wish you were here, celebrating your birthday with your mommy, daddy, big brother, grandparents, aunties, uncles and other people who love you to pieces. I'm not quite sure I'll ever be able to put into words just how much I miss you, though...I just hope that you know, in your heart, that my hearts loves you and aches for you every single second of every single day. For the rest of my life, I will feel that way.<br />
<br />
My hope is that you are up in heaven, being taken care of by your grandfather, your great-grandparents, your great-uncle and the hundreds of people who went before me and your daddy. My hope is that they are the ones putting you to bed at night, reading you bedtime stories, watching you hit all of your first milestones - the things that I wish so badly I could watch, but I can't. I hope they have been taking lots of pictures for me so that, one day, when I see you again, they can hand me a photo album of all the things I missed while you were serving as my guardian angel.<br />
<br />
The 7.5 months I had you with me were some of the best months of my life. While I do not - and never will - understand why God decided he needed you more than I did, I'm grateful for every second I had with you. I will fondly remember the times that your brother and I sang "You Are My Sunshine" to you, the time we went to a Broadway musical and you kicked like crazy through the entire show [i hope you still love music!]. I will remember every moment - the good, the bad, and the horribly sad. I will miss you every single day, think of you every single day, wish you were here every single day.<br />
<br />
But I do take comfort in knowing that you are safe. You are perfect. You will only know love, and hugs, and kisses, and warmth, and comfort. I imagine that you have the most awesome Christmas celebrations, the best birthday parties, and the most fun play dates. I smile when I envision you playing in heaven, because I know you are experiencing pure joy and happiness. That is all you will ever know, and I am grateful for that.<br />
<br />
So today, on your special day, I will cry. A lot. But I will also smile, and sing "Happy Birthday" to you, and blow out a candle on a very special chocolate cupcake. Today, you are a year old. Today is your day. Know that your mommy is celebrating you, and loving you, from so very far away.<br />
<br />
I love you, my sweet sunshine.<br />
MommyEboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-41957835342332487512013-07-30T22:46:00.001-05:002013-07-30T22:46:59.500-05:00Sigh of relief.Pregnancy is never easy [unless you're one of those lucky women who only gains 15 pounds, never gets sick or battles acne, and loses the baby weight within weeks of giving birth]. Me + pregnancy has always equaled ROUGH, and even though this is my third - and I should be used to rough by now - I totally wasn't prepared.<br />
<br />
Nausea hit at 4.5 weeks. Then I wound up in the ER with a bleed at 6 weeks - a bleed that continued to get worse until, at 11 weeks, my OB put me on bed rest to give it the chance to heal. I spent almost two weeks off my feet, went back to work [but pretty much sat at my desk, only getting up to greet families, get lunch and pee], then was sent to my new maternal-fetal medicine doctor to check things out.<br />
<br />
The three weeks between appointments was so hard. I spotted for almost a month straight and wasn't sure what was going on, how Baby Sweet Pea was doing, or if things were looking good. I managed to make it to yesterday's appointment without totally losing my mind, but the nerves were obvious when I got there. I was shaking, my blood pressure was high, and I almost started crying the second I stepped into the ultrasound room. I wasn't sure what to expect...part of me prepared for good news, but part of me prepared for awful news.<br />
<br />
Thank the stars, we got good news.<br />
<br />
The tech immediately found a kicking Baby Sweet Pea with a strong heartbeat of 152 - one I got to hear for the first time yesterday. Considering the last time someone tried to find a heartbeat and let me listen, it was in the maternity ward when we lost Devon, being able to hear my baby's beating heart was so emotional. I broke down and started bawling as the tech continued, showing me all the growing parts of the baby and taking measurements. Long story short, I'm right on track, there isn't any evidence of a bleed [holy moly! that's amazing news!], and while there are a couple of potential trouble spots that need to be watched, I was told that things look really good.<br />
<br />
It was amazing to see how big Baby Sweet Pea had gotten since my last ultrasound at 11 weeks. It was amazing to hear his/her heartbeat, to see him/her kicking around, to know that he/she is measuring on track and that the bleed is pretty much gone. I couldn't have asked for a better appointment yesterday; I just feel so incredibly lucky and blessed and relieved. At the same time, though, my PgAL brain just will not settle and is still on edge. I'm not sure I will fully relax until this baby get s to come home with us, and I'm thinking about getting a doppler to check the heartbeat in between appointments. As I get bigger and start to feel kicks, I start to enjoy the pregnancy more...but I'm still just so scared.<br />
<br />
For now, though, I'm pregnant, I have a healthy baby, and I don't have a bleed. And, I'm now in second trimester, the nausea is fading [but it's being replaced by acid reflux, fun], and my energy is coming back. I am on Cloud Nine.<br />
<br />
[also, we think we know what we're having, but i'm keeping my mouth shut until my anatomy scan in four weeks to get confirmation. how about that for a teaser?!]<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/b02632da-08d6-4c66-9534-a6b2de42d7e8_zps4e100329.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="249" src="http://i120.photobucket.com/albums/o180/OSUCowgirl85/b02632da-08d6-4c66-9534-a6b2de42d7e8_zps4e100329.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hi, my Baby Sweet Pea!</td></tr>
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<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-124014893568789124.post-37939157147648022102013-07-19T10:35:00.002-05:002013-07-19T10:35:32.755-05:00Eleven.Eleven months. It's been eleven.whole.months since Devon was born sleeping.<br />
<br />
Seriously?<br />
<br />
When I came home from the hospital empty-handed and broken-hearted on that fateful August day, I knew my life was never going to be the same. I also figured that my life would, at some point, just stop. Even though I had an adorable son at home, and a loving husband, and friends/family that cared about me, I wasn't quite sure how I was supposed to keep going when I was going to have to bury my baby boy. I wasn't quite sure how I was supposed to bounce back from something like that.<br />
<br />
Eleven months later, I still find it hard to believe that I'm still here, still standing, and living my life. I laugh on a daily basis now. Thanks to counseling, I've been able to find the happy side of life again and embrace it. I can talk about pregnancy and babies [not just because i'm pregnant again]. I can actually hold babies. These are all things that, last year, I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to do again. Everything seems so bleak when your world crashes around you and you have to dig your way out again.<br />
<br />
As we get closer and closer to the one-year mark, I find myself thinking about the 48-hour span that changed my life. I know it's probably self-imposed torture to rehash things over and over again, but I do it because those 48 hours were the last hours I had with Devon. Even though he was already sleeping at that point, I still had that time with him, and it's precious time I'll always remember and cherish. That time will help get me through the rest of my life until I get to see him again.<br />
<br />
It still hurts. I think it hurts more and more as we get closer to August 19 because reality sets in: I've spent more of my life without Devon than with him. I've live almost an entire YEAR of my life without my baby. I should be preparing for his 1st birthday, watching him hit all those important milestones that babies hit, posting random pictures of him and JJ interacting on Instagram and Facebook...not figuring out what type of memorial service to have to honor his passing.<br />
<br />
I will say that I'm in such a better place now than I was even six months ago. Even though we've had complications with Baby Sweet Pea, just being pregnant again is a huge step. JJ is now 4 1/2 and starts pre-k in a month [holy moly], and he just keeps getting cuter and smarter by the day. I have way more happy days than gloomy days, have a much more optimistic outlook on life than I did even at the beginning of this year. While I still miss Devon every second of every day and think about him often, I've been able to move past the grief and accept reality. It's refreshing to be where I am in my life, because I honestly never thought I'd hit this point.<br />
<br />
I know the next month will be hard for me. We have several appointments to check on Baby Sweet Pea [i'll explain more about that in a different post], my car still has to be fixed from an accident I was in a month ago, school will start up again soon, and I have to figure out what memorial things I want to do for Devon [and just how, emotionally, i'm going to get through the month of august]. But I know I can do this. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? Devon's loss has definitely made me stronger, and I hope he knows how strong he's made me. And how much I love/miss him.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.mylivesignature.com/" target="_blank"><img src="http://signatures.mylivesignature.com/54488/157/694E7780787AF3EEAC8306536F020D13.png" style="background: transparent; border: 0 !important;" /></a>Eboniehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09879607035468840722noreply@blogger.com0