Almost a month...

It's been 29 days since I found out Devon was gone; 27 since he came into the world sleeping. I've had my pretty good days [you know, the days I laugh more than cry and live in the now instead of dwelling on the past] and my awful days [like yesterday, when i cried throughout most of the day for various reasons]. The days since the loss are now starting to tick into months, and I'm still heartbroken. Still at a loss as to how to feel, how to get through the day without crying [multiple times, usually]. The days are slowly starting to become better, but I have major milestones coming up that I have to get through before I feel I can truly start to heal. Some days, everything just seems fine, that I can do this. Other days, I just want to shut the world out and cry until I can't cry anymore. I know this is all a part of grieving, but it's just so hard.

I can't believe it's been nearly a month since everything happened. So much has changed within me but stayed the same on the outside. Life seems to have gone back to normal for the rest of the world, but I'm still stuck on the fact that I have an angel baby. That my precious angel would have been due in nine days; instead, he's been gone for 29. While my days are truly starting to get better [for the most part], it's still a struggle. I just want to make it through the next two weeks and try to find a sense of normal before I head back to work; if I can do that, I think I'll be able to push through.

I can admit that I'm very nervous about being back in Stillwater all on my own again, like I was during and before my pregnancy. Once that happens on a daily basis, it'll become more real that life has to continue, even with all this going on. That I have to continue to move forward, even if my heart and soul are still healing. I hate that I have to move forward without Devon, but I just have to.

However, I know I'm not moving on alone. I'm so, so grateful for the support I've continued to get through all of this. I have some very close friends who have constantly texted to check on me, and I've continued to get cards from family and friends. It's amazing how many people have reached out to me in one way or another to let me know they're still thinking about me, even though it's been nearly a month. I wish I could see every single person that's helped me through this and give them a hug, but I can't right now. I just hope they all realize how much they've helped, how much they mean to me for keeping me in their thoughts and prayers as I've pushed on through the grief and the pain. Thank you.

My happy list.

The past couple of days have been OK. I'm still very emotional, but I'm starting to feel OK again. I went by my job yesterday and saw some very good friends [all while shedding minimal tears], and I'm back in Stillwater doing some things. Being back in town isn't as bad this time as it was last time - for a few days, I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to come back here. Things are starting to feel back to normal though [well, as normal as normal can be].

Some things have brought me joy the last few days:

1. Shopping. I'm back in most of my old clothes at this point [which is crazy considering I'm three weeks out from delivery], but I still have some pudge I hope to work off once my OB clears me for exercise. So I took this opportunity to spend some money and shop. I've gotten four new dresses, including this number from Target:

And this super cute skirt from Ann Taylor [i've done some damage at that store this month, that's for sure]:

It's nice to have cute new clothes to wear to work. Now, I'll just have to bring myself to keep shaving my legs so I can wear skirts and dresses...

2. Gangnam Style. I am in loooooove with PSY and his "Gangnam Style" video/dance. I've seriously been doing the dance around my apartment the last 24 hours.

3. My sweet boy. JJ and I have spent quite a bit of time together since I've been out of work, and it's been nice to have this time. He has so much energy and is so lively, and he does so many random things that makes me laugh. JJ keeps me going when I just want to curl up in bed and shut the world out; I am so, so grateful for him.

4. Wine. So, while I was pregnant, I bought a bottle of Cupcake Moscato to open after I came home with Devon. Even though he did not come home with me, I still opened the bottle and [i'm a big enough of a girl to admit this] cried through a couple of glasses. The wine was fantastic, though - even J thought it was good, and he's not a big wine drinker. I also discovered Rosso Dolce, a roscato, at Olive Garden last time I went. DELISH.

5. Sports. Football is finally back - and I'm still excited that it's back, even with everything that's happened. I'm in two fantasy leagues and somehow managed to win both games this past weekend. College football is still a little iffy for me - I'm not even sure if I'm going to any OSU games this year because I just don't feel up to it - but I've watched some good games. I watched a lot of the US Open [go serena williams!] and have caught some soccer matches, too. Even though the Olympics is over, I've still caught my fair share of sports. I'm just glad football's back.

Those are just some of the things that have made me happy. It's still hard to be happy all the time, and I still have my moments where I feel like nothing will make me feel happy again. But these things have definitely helped, especially JJ. I don't know where I would be without him. 

Random update of sorts.

Even with our loss, life has gone on. A lot's happened in the past few months with our family:

1. JJ started gymnastics! My mom signed him up for July/August classes at the Bart Connor Gymnastics Academy to see if that could help him burn some energy [since swimming lessons did.not.work.at.all]. He wound up loving it, and he's started up fall classes; I'm hoping he can take classes in Stillwater as well during the week.

All great gymnasts have to start somewhere...like crawling under balance beams.

2. I got a new car! My Taurus did me good for almost six years, but it was time to upgrade. However, I haaaaaaate car shopping; I've been putting it off for months, but when my dad came home on R&R, he made me go look. I am forever grateful for that, though, because I wound up with this beauty:

Meet Arthur. Hi Arthur.

2013 Hyundai Sonata. I call it my sexy mom car, because that is one sexy car - and like, a million steps up from my beloved [but had serious issues in the end] Taurus. I named him Arthur, after Arthur Weasley - you know, Ron Weasley's dad who was super obsessed with Muggles and all their stuff? He loved cars [remember the Ford Anglia he enchanted to fly and be invisible?], and I just randomly thought of him as I was thinking of a name for my new car. I know Arthur isn't a sexy name, but oh well.

3. J got a new car, too! I mentioned in one post that he had gotten in a car accident, and his car was totaled [but he was OK besides some bumps and bruises, thank goodness]. While he was home, my mom took us to CarMax to look, and he found one he liked. He wasn't really game on another Nissan, but this one was love at first sight, I think

This car has no name yet. J won't let me name it. But I secretly call it Carmen.

2004 Nissan Maxima. Low mileage, loaded on the inside, and J loves it. Just needs a tint and maybe some paintwork, but for being an '04, it's in great shape. While I'm sure he misses his '02 Altima, I think this '04 has been a great replacement. My one qualm: it has leather interior. After dealing with the leather in my Taurus, I never want leather again.

Those are the three big things that have happened. My dad also came home for two weeks at the end of July/beginning of August, and we took another trip to Great Wolf. That trip is a little painful for me to remember since I was pregnant, but it was still a really fun trip. That was our third trip to Great Wolf in less than a year, and a fourth is in the works. We absolutely love that place [and all the shopping that comes along with the trip since it's in Grapevine].

Now that the days are changing from summer to fall -- well, more like from hot as Hades to normal summer temperatures -- there are more things to look forward to. The holidays are fast approaching, and I need to figure out what I'll dress JJ as for the fall carnivals we have in town [not sure he'll go trick-or-treating]. I need to make lists for Christmas presents, plan for holiday travel and get prepared for a new year. I'm considering starting on my master's, which means studying for the GRE. And once I go back to work after being off for six weeks, I know I'm going to be swamped. I look forward to it though; fall is my favorite time of the year, and I can't wait to snuggle in sweaters and wear boots. Well, I'm hoping to snuggle in sweaters and wear boots; I barely did any of those last year because we didn't really get a fall or winter. Lame.

Anyway.

I also want to decorate my apartment. Between my trips to IKEA [i could seriously go broke in that store] and Target, I have random ideas to spruce up my home of the last four years. That poor place is so dull, but I plan on changing that. I bought some things at IKEA [helloooo new dishes, glassware and drawer set for JJ] and Target [helloooooo new entryway storage, bathroom items and possible curtains], and I have plans for new bedroom furniture and TV storage. It's time to make my place look like something that's barely lived in into a home.

So there ya have it - proof that I have had, and still have, a life. Even though my world has been turned upside down, life goes on, and life has happy moments. I want to continue to have those happy moments, even in such sadness. I think Devon would want that, too.

One step at a time.

I've always been one to try and plan things out years in advance. Granted, about 98 percent of the things I've planned out haven't happened that way. Examples:

-- thought I was going to OU for most of my high school career; wound up going to OSU [for me, one of the best decisions ever; those who know me know how much I love my alma mater]

-- thought I would be a doctor or a nurse; wound up majoring in public relations and barely use my degree

-- thought I would get my master's, travel the world and not settle down until I was 30; married and a mom by 22 [almost 23]

And, even though I love the life that I have and where it has taken me, I plan things to have control. I'm kind of a control freak and an organizer; when things don't go a certain way, it throws my world off balance. And this...losing Devon...has been the most upside down thing that could ever happen to my world. Ever.

I had plans for him. Plans to raise my boys together. I wanted him to be an astronaut, or a teacher, or an artist. I wanted him to play sports, hang out and adore his big brother, complain when he had to wear his brother's hand-me-downs. J and I were on the fence about having more than two children, so Devon could have been it for us, and I was fine with that. Mentally, I had planned for this to be my last pregnancy, to embrace it. But then, three weeks ago, all of this was ripped away from me. And it turned my whole damn world upside down in ways I had not ever, ever planned to handle.

How do you move on from something like this? How do you recover from losing a child, a child you had so many hopes and dreams for? I try so hard to keep a smile on my face, but on the inside, my heart is broken. And as the milestones tick past - his memorial, the day we received his ashes, my baby shower [which was supposed to be yesterday] - my heart breaks all over again.

I have more milestones to get through - going back to Stillwater on my own, seeing my home OB to get some answers, my due date, going back to work - and I'm trying to plan and brace myself for those moments. But in reality, I know I can't plan for them. I just have to take it one step at a time. I feel lost right now because I'm not used to slowing down and going inch by inch through my day, minute by minute, hour by hour. But right now, until the pain starts to dull just a little bit, I have to take it one step at a time. Doing that will help me heal. Doing that will take the edge off the pain, even though it won't fully go away.

One step at a time.

The memories.

The hardest part of all of this is dealing with the memories.

I just went back through all of my blog posts and edited or removed pictures. I seriously considered deleting the posts on my pregnancy, but that would mean I was wiping Devon off the map - and Devon was very much real, very much alive, even if he was born sleeping. I did, however, wipe out all the baby pictures from my Photobucket account, so I removed those pictures from the posts. I also removed all the pictures from my phone and put them in a special folder on my laptop. I still want them, but I don't want to face them every single day.

My sister was kind enough to go to my apartment while I was in my hometown and put up all the baby clothes, blankets and sheets. I hadn't set up an actual nursery for Devon, which I am actually grateful for - I didn't have to break all that down and empty out a room he will never be in. When I went back to my place, I put my maternity clothes in the spare room, too, and moved all my fall/winter clothes into my room where the maternity clothes were. Being back at my place was so hard for the first day. The last time I'd been there, I was pregnant and enjoying feeling him move around. I had washed all his clothes, organized his drawer, started packing his baby bag. Now, that won't happen. I try so hard not to be bitter, but a part of me is bitter. That same part constantly asks, "Why me? What did I do wrong? Why, why, why me?"

My baby shower was supposed to be tomorrow. My due date is two weeks from Monday. I had so many hopes and dreams for Devon, so much to look forward to with two boys in my life. I spent so many days, nights, dreaming of what their lives would be like together. Instead, there will be one day when I open the memory box and explain to JJ [and, God willing, any other kids we have] how he had a little brother, but he was too perfect for Earth. That conversation will possibly be the hardest one I make in my entire life, but I do look forward to sharing Devon with them.

The memories hurt. They make my heart, my soul, my entire body ache. But the memories also put a smile on my face. I remember it all - the pregnancy test, telling J and my family, the first ultrasound, breaking the news to friends and family, feeling him move for the first time, the doctor's appointments, the weight gain, the heartburn, everything. Those positive memories will help me remember Devon in a positive light, even with everything that has happened. I miss him so much, it aches. I want him so bad, it aches. But one day - one day - the memories, the good and bad, will be easier to handle.

New normal.

I feel like the last 2.5 weeks have been the slowest - and fastest - weeks of my life. Now that things are returning to "normal," it's time to face reality and get back into the world.

J left for his base in CO on Sunday - he drove back his new car [well, new to us; technically a used car], so he hit the road fairly early to make the 8-hour drive back by himself. I hated to watch him drive away; after having him home for 15 days, saying good bye was so hard. I'm just grateful I still have him in one piece though; one thing I did not mention in my last post was that the day everything happened with me losing Devon, J had gotten into a car accident and totaled his car. He was fine, the driver who hit him was fine, but that had happened just hours before my ER visit. To say that day sucked is an absolute understatement.

But anyway.

Now that it's just me and JJ at my mom's house [and my mom's back at work], things are slowly starting to go back to the way they were before everything happened. Physically, I'm OK with this. I feel great, I've healed fantastic, and I hope to be cleared for physical activity when I see my OB and the OB who delivered Devon within the next couple of weeks. Emotionally though, I'm still a mess - and I know that I will be for awhile. I've had a strong bond to my faith as this has gone on and am one of those that believes that God laid out his plan for each of us before we were born, and I just have to accept that God's plan for Devon was to make him one of his angels. That doesn't make my heart heal any faster though, and reality is quickly coming down the pipeline. Soon, I'll be back at work, where I'm sure the healing process will start all over again as I have to either break the news to people who are wondering why I'm there with no baby bump and no baby, or I have to face the sad looks and the "I'm so sorry for your loss" all over again. I feel like such a bitch for not wanting those looks or words of sympathy, because both mean that people care about me and what happened. I just...I don't want to face them all over again. I've faced them enough over the last two weeks.

More sympathy cards came in today. They make me cry when I read them, but I very much appreciate them and the words of comfort they bring me. I also got this today; I ordered it from an Etsy seller the day of Devon's memorial:

Beautiful, isn't it? I cried when I opened the package; I absolutely love it. The footprints aren't his own, but I do plan on ordering a special necklace that will feature his actual footprint.

I also got this necklace from my best friend/Devon's godmother [who has been such an amazing source of strength for me through all of this]:

I plan on wearing both beautiful necklaces all the time to remember my sweet angel baby. They'll be constant reminders that he was here, he was real, he'll always be my son, and I'll always love him. As my best friend said, a Devon-shaped piece of my heart will forever be missing; but that doesn't mean I'll love him less.

I never thought I'd be in this position. I know people always say this when it happens to them, but it's so damn true. I never, ever thought I would lose a child. That I would have to go to a funeral home and plan a memorial service for my baby. It's so surreal, everything that's happened the last 2.5 weeks. It feels like a lifetime ago, and I feel so much older than my 26 years. I just want the hurt and the pain to go away, but I know I can't rush healing. I'll never fully be healed, but I'll try.

So now, I try to find my new normal. I plan on taking on some sort of exercise classes, like kickboxing or something like that. I want to try my hand at more recipes, bake more, get JJ's scrapbooks started. I'll have some time to do all that before I go back to work, so I'll try to get some of those started. Mostly, though, I just want to hang out and relax. I am so emotionally drained all the time that I really only get peace in sleep - but sleep is hard to come by because my brain's always turning. The minutes, the hours, the days are getting easier, but it still hurts. The pain is still raw, still real. But as long as I remember and love Devon, my new normal will soon become easier to handle. Just one minute at a time.

Our sweet angel baby.

Two weeks ago today, I received the worst news of my entire life: the baby I'd been excited about, had been carrying for 34.5 weeks, no longer had a heartbeat. Medical issues took him from us way, way too soon, and that moment is one that will live with me forever.

At this point, most people know about this. We kept it quiet for a week as we grieved and held a memorial service for our precious baby boy, then we broke the news on FB. Close friends and family had been called, but we kept ourselves in a bubble until we felt OK breaking the news. But even a week after the announcement, and two weeks after that fateful ER visit that changed my life forever, it all seems like a bad dream. I know it's not, though, and I'm slowly starting to heal.

I wish I had the words to describe just how painful this is, but I really don't. I know everyone who's gone through a loss like this thinks, "It'll never happen to me." I thought the same thing, although I'd been cautious about my entire pregnancy because I'd had a lot of issues [a lot more issues than I'd had with JJ, that's for sure]. But to hear that your baby's gone is just...no words can describe how I felt. The pain is still raw, still real.

He was perfect - is perfect. I have pictures, got to hold him, have those memories I'll remember forever. Even though we didn't get to bring him home, he will always be my sweet second boy, my angel that will forever watch over me, J and JJ, my amazing little man that I know I will see again one day. Right now, it hurts; it hurts like hell. I never want to feel this pain again. But, as one of my friends told me, all breaks heal. My heart's broken now, but it's slowly starting to heal. It'll never be the same, but I'll be OK. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

I've been so incredibly blessed to have great people in my life who have helped me through all of this. J got to come home, my dad was home, we had lots of family and friends send flowers or bring food or come to the memorial...it was almost overwhelming, the amount of love and support we've received since everything happened. My parents, sister, son, husband, MCU staff at RACH and Pizazz family [they know who they are] have been such a source of strength for me; they've held me while I cried, told jokes when I needed a good laugh, let me talk when I needed to talk. I am forever, forever grateful that so many great people have been here for me, have given me strength when I thought I didn't have any to get through something like this.

Our sweet angel's obituary is located here, if anyone would like to read it [or the sweet notes that were left for us in the guestbook]. We love you so, so much Devon Alexander. May you always know how much your mommy loved you and will always love you. I only had you for a short time, but you left the biggest imprint on my heart.