Capture Your Grief: Days 1-6

I decided that posting every single day for Capture Your Grief probably wouldn't happen for me, so I'm just going to post every few days and play catch-up.

Day One, October 1st: Sunrise

I took this picture bright and early on Monday; it wound up being a beautiful fall day, and the sunrise was so peaceful. It gave me a chance to stand on my balcony for a few minutes on my first day back to my new normal [i went back to work monday] and just think. I thought about everything I'd been through the previous six weeks: the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the hellos and goodbyes, the laughs and the tears. After those few precious moments of reflection, I wiped away a few tears, took a deep breath, blew a kiss to Devon in heaven and got started with my first day back to reality. But in this moment, this sunrise, I thought of Devon and prayed that he will always know how much I love and miss him.

Day Two, October 2: Before Loss Self Portrait

I posted the very last picture of me that I ever took pregnant, which was the day before I found out Devon was gone. I really don't have the strength to post it again, but I posted it in the Capture Your Grief event on Facebook; it took everything I had to post that picture, because it means so much to me. It's the last I have being pregnant, it's the last I took when Devon was alive...just thinking about the strength it took to post that picture is bringing me to tears. That picture will always be one of the most precious pictures I'll ever have. Maybe one day, I'll find the strength to re-post it.

Day Three, October 3: After Loss Self Portrait

I posted this picture, which is the one I posted in my last blog post. It's the picture I took right before leaving for my first day of work on the 1st. The smile is genuine, but it has a little bit of sadness in it, too. I feel like such a different person in this picture; I feel like I've aged at least ten years in the six weeks between my loss and going back to work. A part of me is missing, is always missing, and I think I'll always feel a little hollow inside. But the smile - and the fact that I took this right before going back to work - is proof that I'm still living. I'm still moving forward, still marching on. Even if my baby boy isn't with me in person, he is with me in spirit. And his memory keeps me going.

Day Four, October 4: Most Treasured Items

This is the memory box that Reynolds Army Community Hospital gave me before I was discharged on August 19. It has the only physical mementos of Devon I will ever have: a lock of his hair, pictures of him, his footprint, my hospital bracelets, a card that the staff all signed, his "I'm A Boy" card that was with his bassinet while he was there, a memorial birth certificate that showed his stats [delivered at 5:30am on August 19; 5 lbs., 18.5"], and a heart that the staff had him hold in his pictures. It also has what I consider my most treasured item - the outfit he wore while he was in the hospital. We had him cremated in a special outfit and blanket that we chose, so we got to take this home. This is the only thing my son ever wore, and it's proof that he was here. He was real. I will always, always cherish this.

Day Five, October 5: Memorial

This is the memorial area I have set up in the room that Devon would've eventually shared with JJ. It has everything I've received for Devon from friends and family - teddy bears, books, onesies, cards etc. - along with his memorial box and the blue box that holds Devon's ashes. The picture is one of the few that I have of a pregnant me and JJ; it's one of the few that I have with both my boys.

Day Six, October 6: What Not To Say

Today is a day where I talk about what people have said to me that I wish they hadn't. But you know what? NO ONE has said anything to me that has made me want to punch them in the face. No one's said anything like "Oh, this was meant to happen, God has a better baby for you" or something ridiculously off-the-wall like that. I've had so many supportive people, supportive thoughts, supportive words said to me...the support I've gotten through all of this has been amazing and overwhelming. I'm so grateful for that, because I know not everyone has that.

So there ya have it - my Capture Your Grief updates for the first six days. Another update coming soon. :)

Back to "normal".

My "first day back at work" outfit. And the smile is genuine, for the first time in a long time.

Today's my fourth day back at work, and surprisingly, it's been OK. I've had my moments of pure sadness, but I've been holding my own pretty well.

Walking back into my office on Monday was so, so weird. The last time I'd walked through those doors for work, I was 34 weeks pregnant and counting the days until maternity leave/my due date. Everything happened over a weekend, so I hadn't been back to work since the day I found out Devon was gone. When I walked through the doors on Monday, I was a completely different person, which was so weird. How could I change so much, have my whole perspective on life, change so much in just six weeks? I never thought it was possible until all this happened.

Since I've been back, things have been crazy. I've had lots of students to see because I started enrollment advising my first day back, which is probably a good thing - staying busy makes the days go by fast and keeps my mind off things. I've had some students ask me if I had a baby or where I was for six weeks, which always makes me freeze for a few seconds and makes my heart hurt. I just tell them that I either had a medical emergency [if they hadn't realized I was pregnant, which is possible because I hadn't seen some students since our last advising round in February] or that I had a medical complication and the baby didn't make it. Sometimes, it's still so hard for me to say "my son didn't make it" or "Devon didn't make it" because it just hurts to actually say that. This sucks.

But honestly, it does feel good to be back on some sort of routine. Getting JJ back into a routine hasn't been as difficult as I thought it would be, even though the first couple of days were a little hard for him [and for me, too]. But now that I've reached this major milestone, I feel like life can go back to a new version of what I used to know. I still cry every day. I still miss Devon. But I think I can now truly say that the days are getting better, that I'm starting to move forward and look forward to things in life again instead of just living in this dark place that I wasn't sure I'd come out of.

It feels so weird to feel like life is starting to come back together again, even though I'm almost seven weeks out from losing him. I know I have to keep moving, but a part of me wonders if I'm moving forward too quickly. Did I grieve for Devon the right way? Did I grieve long enough, hard enough? I hate that I'm so conflicted because I really shouldn't be questioning things like that. I will always grieve for Devon, will always have a part of me that's with him in heaven, but now that life truly is moving forward, it feels so off doing it without him. I even feel different physically - which I'm sure sounds strange, but it's true. I feel a little hollow now, like a piece of me and my family is missing. I think a part of me will always feel that way.

Anyway. Fall is absolutely in the air, which is so awesome. It's supposed to be in the 50s tomorrow and Saturday - woo hoo! I get to wear a sweater and jeans and boots! I've been looking at fall-esque recipes [like taco soup, chili and chicken pot pie] and have been baking more [made Toll House cookies last night that were soooooo good]. And this weekend, we're taking JJ to a Thomas the Train event in OKC after he has gymnastics class; I'm hoping he loves it since he's a big Thomas fan.

I've also been participating in Capture Your Grief, and I'll update in a different post later about that. I have found such strength through other women participating in the event, and I've shed many tears over hearing the stories and seeing the pictures of other women who have had losses. It's heartbreaking and uplifting, all at once.

Why I blog/Capture Your Grief.

I don't know why I'm still up - my first day back at work starts in less than seven hours, and I need to be up in like, five hours. I need to get to bed.

Anyway. I've had some people ask me over the last six weeks why I'm blogging about my loss. I think a lot of people are surprised that I'm so willing to share my thoughts and feelings on losing Devon; I've gotten a lot of "I'd be curled up in bed, never wanting to face the world again" type of responses.

Well, that's the way I feel a lot of the time. I just want to curl up in bed, shut the world out and forget this ever happened. But I can't - and I won't. Just because Devon isn't my Earth baby doesn't mean he's still not my son. I was pregnant, he was alive, and he's gone. I can't take any of that back, and I wouldn't want to; I want his memory, and the impact his short time on Earth had on me, to live forever. I'm not ashamed of him or want to toss him to the wind, because he's my son. He'll always be my son.

My hope is that someone comes across this blog, reads my story and finds comfort, just like I've found comfort from connecting with other women who have gone through what I'm going through. Before I lost Devon, I only knew women who had miscarriages. After I lost Devon, I've talked to several women who have had late losses like mine; the Loss board on The Bump has been a great resource as well. I've come across several blogs where women have shared their stories of heartache and loss, and it was comforting to me to read what I was feeling -- anger, immeasurable pain, guilt, and everything in between. I hope this blog can do that for someone one day, can let someone else know that she [or even he, if the reader is the father dealing with a loss] is not alone. That yes, it hurts like hell, and it probably will for a long time; but as the days go on, the pain does fade. The days do get better.

I'm six weeks out from losing Devon, and I can't believe how far I've come. Yes, I still have my very hard moments, and there's really only been one day that I haven't cried [which was the day after my due date, my last blog post]. But I'm starting to feel better and alive again. I'm starting to be OK with being out around other people, although seeing pregnant women and newborn babies is still very hard for me. I feel like the pain is starting to fade just a little bit, enough to allow me to get back to life and find some joys again. Six weeks ago, I never thought I'd feel happiness again; now, I'm starting to feel that, and I think Devon would want that.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, something that will always be dear to my heart. In my smaller town, I don't think there's any sort of support group or commemorative event to honor this, so I'm doing something online. A blogger created an event called Capture Your Grief, 31 days of prompts designed to help those who have experienced one of the worst losses imaginable...well, remember that sweet little angel. I plan to participate in all 31 days in honor of Devon. Some days, I'll post pictures on Facebook and Instagram. Other days, I'll blog. It will be personal and hit home for me, but I want to share this. I want to share my memories of Devon and how he impacted my life, even if I only had him for a short time.

Capture Your Grief is also a way to raise awareness about this type of loss. I know a lot of people have no idea what to say to me when they see me or hear that I've experienced this, but this is what I want everyone to know: No. I'm not OK. My heart still hurts, and days are still hard. But I'm getting better, and I just want to move forward as normally as possible. I'm OK sharing my story and answering questions [to some extent] about things, because Devon is still my son. He will always be my son, and I will always love him and remember him. I do appreciate the sympathy and the loads of love I've received, but I am ready to move forward and am taking things one day at a time. No need to walk on eggshells around me; I will cry, and I will laugh, and I will have good and bad days. That all comes with something like this, because I'm still human. I may have a little piece of my heart missing, but I'm still human. And I still want normalcy.

Watch for my posts and pictures about Capture Your Grief. This month is for you, my sweet baby boy.

Brighter days.

I'm a little floored by how many people have read my blog since the loss. Yeah, I post updates on FB and update my link on The Bump and The Nest, but I never fully expect people to be that interested in my story to want to read it. The amount of pageviews I've had the last few weeks is cool. Thanks for reading folks.

I feel like I turned a corner after I passed my due date. I woke up yesterday feeling refreshed and not completely overcome with grief. It's like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, that I got through my entire pregnancy relatively unscathed, even if I didn't have Devon in my arms. I felt like it was OK to listen to music in my car and bounce around [my song of choice yesterday was Let Me Clear My Throat  by DJ Kool - i rocked the hell out of that song while driving around town]. I felt like it was OK to go outside and enjoy the fresh air. I felt like I was finally re-focusing on JJ after being in and out with him the last five weeks. I felt like it was OK to start thinking about work again; I even have the outfit picked out that I'm going to wear on my first day back next week. My heart still hurts, but mentally and physically, I felt better today than I have since this whole process started.

I guess it's about time I get used to the notion of going back to work again. Don't get me wrong - I freaking love my job. I love my coworkers and my students. But after being out for almost six weeks, it'll be hard to get back into the swing of things. I've spent most of this time with my mom because I haven't wanted to be alone in Stillwater, but now that work is just around the corner, I'm accepting that it's time to get back to life and my new normal. I've been answering work emails, setting up calendars to start advising, meal planning, and adjusting myself mentally to get ready to go back. I'm so afraid that when I do go back, I'll just break down and not be as far along in my recovery as I thought I was. I will note that I have awesome friends up there that are willing to do anything to make me feel comfortable again, and I'm grateful for that. I'm normally a very independent person, but this time, I don't think independence is the best thing for me.

I'm also ridiculously focused on getting back into shape. I've pretty much shed the baby weight, but I want to get tone and trim again. I have a pair of running shoes in Stillwater calling my name, and I'll either start running during my lunch break or after work. I'm so glad it's fall; the cooler weather will allow me to hit Boomer Lake if I want [although the mosquitoes and threat of west nile virus will probably keep me inside]. I still plan on trying to run a 5K in April, so I gotta get in shape.

So all in all, brighter days are coming. And brighter days are ahead. I look forward to sharing those brighter days with the world after being in my darkest.

Two words: due date.

Today's the day I started counting down to on January 11, the day I got my first positive pregnancy test.

Today's my due date.

I had this date circled on calendars and engrained in my brain since that day. Even after losing Devon, the date stuck. Even though I erased it from those calendars [and even replaced one of my calendars that held all my OB appointments in it with a new one], it's still permanently etched into my mind. Maybe one day, I won't remember this exact date but will remember that Devon should've been born at the end of September - but I doubt it. I'm sure this day will stick with me for eternity.

The logical part of me knows that today is just an estimated date. JJ was born two days before his due date due to an induction, and that very well could've happened this time since my blood pressure had already started to spike when I found out Devon was gone at 34w4d. So I know that he could've been here already, been at home with all of us, been keeping me up with late night feedings and cuddles. But instead, I've five weeks out from coming home without him. And the emotional side of me knows this day means a lot more to me than I've admitted since I lost him, and this day reopens all the wounds I've been trying to stitch shut.

I've been dreading this day since I came home from the hospital, but I knew I couldn't just forget this day, a day that had been so significant in my life for almost the entire year. Now that it's here, I'm just a little numb. Today was supposed to be my first day of maternity leave, not the fifth of six weeks of medical leave [i refuse to call it maternity leave, even though it technically is since i had a baby]. A week from today was supposed to be Devon's newborn shoot, not my first day back at work. I've tried so hard not to dwell on these days and the "what should've been" because it won't change what's happened...but on a day like today, I'm sure I will think back on everything and think about what should've been.

Today, I give myself a pass to be as emotional as I want. I try to hide my emotions because I just don't want people either getting tired of me crying every day [today makes 38 straight days of tears, in case anyone was genuinely curious] or overly comforting me. After five weeks, I feel like I should be more put together than I am over this whole situation, but I've been constantly told that I'm rushing the healing, that I need to let myself grieve as long as I need. So right now, I'm grieving by digging into a chocolate chocolate chip bundt cake from Nothing Bundt Cakes and watching SportsCenter - two of my favorite things. I'm sure there will be lots of tears, lots of unspoken questions, and lots of quiet moments for me today...but mostly, I'll try to remember Devon and cherish the 34 weeks that I did have with him. I have his pictures, his cremation box, and the memories to get me through.

All I want Devon to know is that I love him way more than he'll ever know. That one day, I'll see him again - but until then, I find comfort in that he will always be my little angel, watching over me and keeping me safe. That I wish things had been different, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, so I try not to be sad all the time. I know he's in a better place, and I just hope he knows that I love him so much, it hurts. It will always hurt.

Thanks. Lots of thanks.

When I was in the hospital waiting to get induced, a chaplain came by my room. He offered prayers, words of comfort and scripture, all of which helped me through those first few hours after we found out Devon was gone. Before he left, he told me that when I had a quiet moment, I needed to write down all the people I was thankful for and keep that list on me. Then, when the tough days rolled around, I would have that list to remind me of all the people in my life that have been there and helped me, and remember that they love and care about me.

After Devon was delivered and things quieted down, I started that list. Now that it's been five weeks since we lost him, I thought it was about time to thank those people in public [in no particular order]:

-- My sister. She was there for just about everything that happened and was such a source of strength for me as I went through the most difficult moments of my life. I am forever grateful that she's my sister.

-- My parents. They're amazing anyway, but they've also been here for me as I've gone through all this. My dad flew home as fast as he could; my mom's kept me busy while I've been on medical leave. Both have let me laugh, cry and veg in front of their new TV. I'm so thankful for them.

-- My husband. I know this wasn't easy for him either, but he's been there for me - especially during the first few days after we lost Devon. I hate that the first time I saw him since January 2nd was to say good-bye to out baby boy, but his presence and reassuring words were so helpful. Still are.

-- The MCU staff at Reynolds Army Community Hospital. They were so great, so kind, so patient as I went through everything. They all took such great care of me and were so compassionate. I couldn't have asked for better people to help me through the hardest time of my life.

-- My family doctor. He was also my OB and took really good care of me - always saw me when I had an issue and has been great as I've dealt with Devon's loss. I hope he's still here when we decide to try again.

-- My Pizazz girls. Almost four years ago, I met a group of girls through The Knot who were all getting married in March 2009. A small group stuck around and have become who I consider to be good friends, and they have been incredible. I will never be able to thank them enough for what they've done to support me.

-- My best friend. She and I have been friends for many years, and I call her my sage. She always knows what to say, when to say it, and is always there for me. I cherish our friendship and am so glad we're still close after all these years. She's been a source of comfort for me, even though she should be taking care of herself - she's having my godson in December, whose first name is Devon's middle name. :)

-- Our extended family. My family and Joe's family have been incredible through all this. From coming to the memorial to sending cards, flowers, words of comfort...they have been absolutely awesome.

-- My coworkers. I love my office because they're just so cool. They sent flowers and cards, have checked on me constantly and have been uber supportive. They will help making going back to work in a week easier, and I can honestly say I work in one of the best offices ever.

-- My friends. For those who have sent messages, said something on FB, posted on my blog, texted or called me, prayed for me...all of that has meant the world to me. It's great to know so many people care and has helped me through this.

The last five weeks have been full of ups and downs, highs and lows, tears and laughs. I'm starting to accept that life won't ever be the same and that Devon is gone, which is forcing me to start picking up the pieces of my broken heart and slowly move on. But with the help of these people, I'm in a better place and have been able to start to move forward. I'll never be able to thank them enough.

What a difference a month makes.

Yesterday made a month since Devon was born sleeping. How in the world has the last month passed so quickly and so slowly, all at once?

I still have my good moments and my bad moments. The good moments are starting to outweigh the bad, but the bad moments can be really bad - like, uncontrollable crying for a good half hour type of bad. The unstoppable ache in my chest is still there, but it's not all-consuming like it used to be. The days are definitely getting better; I'm in a much better spot now than I was when everything started last month. Progress is good, even if it feels like progress is slow right now. Of course, I'm in a better spot now than I was a month ago, but I still feel like the weakest person on the planet because I still have very, very hard days.

I know that I need to start putting my life back together and moving on, but every time I do, I feel guilty. I'm afraid that I'll forget about Devon [even though i know i won't], that a day won't go by that I won't think about him [doubt it], that he'll become a shadow of the past [i'm going to make sure he doesn't]. It feels so weird that my due date is in four days and I'm not overwhelmed like I thought I would be. Maybe because it's been more than four weeks and I've had time to adjust to everything? To accept that I will always have two sons, but one will just be my angel?

I'm such a jumbled ball of emotions right now that it's hard to be on even ground emotionally. I feel like I'm ready to get back on with my life, but a part of me is still stuck in that hospital room finding out that Devon was gone. I go back to work in less than two weeks and feel physically ready for that, but I'm afraid I'll just take fifty steps back emotionally when I walk through the doors of my office and really have to move on with my life. It's just so weird, the place that I'm in right now.

I had my postpartum appointment a few days ago, and everything looks good. That appointment was just one more check mark on the list of my "important days" - the ones that mean a lot and will make me emotional. This past week had three of those: the one month mark when I found out Devon was gone; my postpartum appointment; and Devon's one month angelversary. I made it through all three relatively unscathed, but to say I didn't break down on any of those days is just not true. The last major one I have is my due date - I don't even want to think about it, because I'm giving myself a free emotional pass on that day. After that, I have a week to prepare to get back to work, then life will be as "normal" as it was before all this happened. But "normal" won't be the normal I knew, that's for sure.

I'm trying very hard not to put a timeline on my grief. I'm such a structured, organized person [most times, at least] that to just be flying by the seat of my pants right now is so not like me. I know that if I tell myself, "OK, today is the day that you won't cry like you have been for the past 34 days," that's just not fair. I can't shut out what's happened, and I can't shut out the feelings that I have. It'll just make things worse, and I'm sure it'll set me back. I usually have such control over my life, but this is the first time ever that I've just let that control go.

I'm sure this blog post makes no sense and is just a random rambling of thoughts. But that's how things are right now - I just ramble until I can't ramble anymore. For those of you who have read my posts, thanks for putting up with the rambling. It's just another show of support from those who care about me that I really, really appreciate.