Return to Zero.

I knew about Return to Zero from various loss sites and knew the movie would be coming out on Lifetime. I knew when the first airing was on because my Facebook feed was flooded with people - loss parents, supporters, people who enjoy Lifetime movies in general - providing feedback. I saw it on my TV guide but didn't record because, well, I didn't know if I had the strength to watch it.

Turns out, I did.

I found the movie on my On Demand channel and, without second thought, hit the play button. I sat on my couch for an hour and 45 minutes, praying both kids would stay asleep so they wouldn't hear or see the crying puddle their mother had turned into. That was one of the most intense experiences of my life; I had a knot in my throat and stomach the entire movie. I've never felt that way watching a movie before - but I've also never watched a movie I could relate to so much.

For those who don't know, Return to Zero is about a couple who lose their baby at 38 weeks and the aftermath. It hit so close to home on so many levels that it was emotionally jarring. I was suddenly thrown back to August 18, 2012, in the quiet maternity ward of Reynolds Army Community Hospital, the place where I was told my son no longer had a heartbeat. I didn't go home like they did in the movie; I stayed, and labored, and cried in a quiet delivery room as the RN and OB carried my angel boy away. I spent time with him, held him, rocked him as I signed the papers signifying his death. We had a memorial - one I barely remember - and we had him cremated, his ashes sitting in a blue box on my dresser. I remembered the dark hole that the lead character lived in, and I cringed at the ridiculous crap people said in the movie (although I never had someone tell me Devon was up there picking out a healthy baby for me; I would have slapped that person if I'd ever been told that). I recalled the tense moments between me and J, the ease I shut him - and others - out as I figured out how to move on after my baby had died on my watch. I remember the guilt, the anger, and anguish...it all came back so clear as I watched.

I cried the entire movie. God, did I cry. I sat on my overly warm couch, curled up under a blanket I didn't need but wanted anyway, and I bawled my eyes out. I almost threw things, because I remembered it all, and it hurt. I could've stopped the movie and made the hurt go away, but I didn't. I watched, and I wept, and I remembered.

But you know what? I am SO glad I watched the movie. I am SO glad that this movie was made, was put out there for people to see. No one wants to talk about pregnancy and infant loss because it's taboo. I think some people truly believe that something as awful as a baby dying never happens, but I am living proof that it does. Return to Zero was spot on with the experiences, and the emotions, and the things that can happen after you experience such a devastating loss. I hope it was an eye-opening experience for people, that those who have never gone through this can sorta understand what really happens when a baby dies.

At first, I regretted starting the movie with no one else to watch it with me, because I thought I would want the support. But I'm glad I watched it alone, because I could really remember, and really cry, and get through the movie at my own pace while dealing with all the emotions. It was probably the hardest movie I'll ever watch, but it is also one of the best I'll ever watch.

Different.

JJ is different. He's always been different. He had trouble sleeping (and still spends nights in my bed), he had SO many ear infections his first year that he had speech and developmental delays, and he loves to repeat. He can also be ridiculously loud; sometimes, his concept of volume control does not exist. I've had him tested for autism on multiple occasions, and while he isn't on the spectrum, he does have autistic tendencies. He's been on an IEP, and that has done wonders...we are so fortunate to be in the school system that we are, because they have helped JJ grow by leaps and bounds. While our current daycare is fabulous, he was kicked out of another when they couldn't handle him and wouldn't work with us (but if he hadn't been kicked out, i probably would have put off all the testing i did, which would have delayed jj getting the help he needed to grow). While that boy is the light of my life and is so bright and funny and charming, he's different. That's always been fine with me, because I will always love him and support him, no matter what.

Today, though, I realized just how different he is.

We had Chick-Fil-A for dinner, and I let him play on the indoor playground equipment. There were other, older kids playing, so I sat in there with Mia to keep an eye on things. The older kids were annoyed that he was being a little louder than them and that he kept repeating what they said, and I felt myself getting defensive. I explained to JJ that he couldn't be loud because it was hurting their ears, and that he needed to use his own words and let them play. I also explained to the kids that JJ likes to repeat words and that's just something he does; he doesn't do it to be mean or annoy. One seemed to understand; the other ignored me but didn't say anything to JJ again. I'm glad I was in there to diffuse what could have been an escalating situation, but it made me sad. I can't always be there for JJ when he's in situations like that, and he doesn't understand yet that his repeating and loudness can annoy others (no matter how much i, along with many other adults, try to tell him). What would have happened if I hadn't been there? Would the kids have pushed him? Yelled at him? Been mean to him? Is that what he will face throughout his younger years, until he can get his differences under control?

I did get frustrated with JJ over the situation and cut our outing short. During our drive home, though, I apologized to him. I shouldn't have gotten short with him, because it's not his fault he's different. Why should he have to change who he is because he's not exactly like everyone else? As a parent, today's situation made my heart hurt, because I now fully realize the challenges JJ could face because he's different. The mama bear inside of me is more than ready to come out and swat at people who give my son a hard time (she came dangerously close to coming out today), and I do realize that JJ will need to learn how to handle things differently in public vs. private/home situations. But damn it. I just want the best for my child. I want him to be liked, and appreciated - not bullied or laughed at because he likes to repeat words, or because he doesn't like to eat vegetables.

Kids are cruel. I see stories all the time of kids - both younger and older - bullying each other, fighting each other, and that is not an environment I want JJ in at all. I know that I can't always control the situation, though, and I can't hold him back from experiences because I'm afraid of how he'll be treated. He'll never grow if I shelter him, even though the only thing I want to do is protect him from all the bad things out there that could hurt him - both physically and mentally.

Being a parent is so hard.

I guess the only thing I can do is protect JJ as much as I can, teach him how to handle situations like that (i think that will become easier as he gets older; the kid is only 5 years old, and i have to treat him like he's 5 and not force him to grow up faster than he already is), and be in his corner 100 percent. I support him, I love him, and I will do everything I can to provide the best for him. I just hope that that's enough to raise my different, brilliant, beautiful boy.

Dear 18-Year-Old Self...

It's been almost ten years since I graduated from high school [yeah. i can't believe i'm getting that old], and I've been dwelling on it a lot lately as that milestone nears. I keep thinking about the person I was at 18 and the person I am now, and I decided to write a letter to my 18-year-old self:


Dear 18-Year-Old Self,

Congratulations! You're graduating high school! Ten years ago, you were sitting in the Great Plains Coliseum with the rest of your classmates, wearing that dark green cap and gown, talking excitedly with your friends about your summer plans, trying not to puke as you prepared to give your speech in front of the entire class [and their family, friends and other people]. You will have this perfect plan of how your life will work out, and you are convinced it will happen that way.

Guess what? It didn't. [you'll learn soon enough that plans hardly ever go the way you think they will] But you know what? That's OK. You will still have a great life, even if it doesn't go according to plan.

You will go to Oklahoma State and love every single moment of college. You will do things you never thought you'd do, win awards you weren't quite sure how you won, make lifelong friends and lose others. You will love your dorm, love your schooling, love your jobs and love college. You will try not to take your four years for granted, but you will - they fly by much quicker than you thought they would. But you will fall in love with OSU, bleed orange to the core, and be so glad you chose to go there instead of out of state.

The guy across the street? Yeah. THAT guy. You'll marry him. [don't make that face] You will find similarities - and differences - and fall in love with him. It will not be easy, and it will not be what you expected. But you will love him, and he will love you.

You will not become the sports PR person for the Dallas Mavericks. No matter how much you wanted it, you just didn't go for it. Deep down, you knew you didn't want to work crazy hours and travel all the time because you wanted to be with J, and start a family, and settle down. That alternate life you envisioned for yourself is the one that will come true, and you won't regret it for a second. [oh, and by the way - oklahoma gets its own nba franchise. i know, right?! we were surprised, too!]

You will become a mother A LOT sooner than you anticipated - but your son will make your life worth living. You will face lots of challenges with him, but he will always be your little boy, and you will love him more than you thought you could ever love anyone in your life. He will love you unconditionally in return, and it will be the most awesome thing ever. Having the title of "mommy" will be, by far, your most favorite title. You, he and J will have a rough few years, but with the strong support from your parents and sister, you will make it out and be OK. Everything will always be OK.

You will lose a child. And it will rock your world. You will not see it coming, you will not know how to handle it, and THAT'S OK. You will feel this indescribable pain that you would never wish on your worst enemy, and you will spend many days wondering if life is worth living anymore if you don't have both your boys. But it will be worth living. You will find the strength, the support, and the drive to keep going and to heal. It will not be easy, and you will continue to have bad days and miss your sweet angel for the rest of your life...but you will come out stronger on the other side, and he will forever be a big part of your life.

You will have a daughter. She will be absolutely beautiful. It will be a hard road getting her here, but your rainbow will be worth it, and she will be amazing. It will not be easy parenting a rainbow, and you will find days you feel like a failure to both of your living children. Stay strong. Keep pushing. You can do anything you set your mind to, trust me.

You will lose your way a few times with your family, but you will always go back. They are way more important than you give them credit for being. One day, you will tone the dramatics down and realize just how great they are. The teenage years of angst and "life's not fair!" will leave, and you will start to find the good in life again. Your family is a big part of that good in life, and don't you forget it.

You will find a job that you love, a life that you love, and you will be OK. It will not be the life you envisioned, at all. But you will not, for one second, regret any part of your life. You are meant to do all the things you do, meant to make all the decisions you do, and it will make you a stronger and better person for facing everything head-on. You will learn to lean on people, trust people, make great friends who will always be there for you, and it will be a beautiful life.

You will face the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. You will wonder if life could get any better and if life could get any worse. You will question your decisions, your ability to be a good mom, your ability to keep it all together when things are bad. But you will do it. You are strong, you are beautiful, and you are worth it. You won't always remember that, but it will always be true.

So congratulations, 18-year-old self. You have SO much more life to live, and remember - it is the life you were meant to live. Enjoy it.

28-Year-Old Self

Golden.

28.

Growing up, I always waited for my golden birthday. I like numbers [even though i hate math], so turning 28 on the 28th was always this magic goal I had. I know, I'm weird.

But now that it's actually here...it's just so weird. A lot has happened the last couple of weeks that have put a little bit of a damper on my birthday, and the stress of two kids and being back at work has really stretched me thin lately. BUT, it's still my golden birthday, and I still plan to enjoy it.

I can honestly say that I NEVER imagined my life would have gone the way it's gone, especially the last couple of years. I can say, though, that I have no regrets and am a stronger person for everything that life has thrown at me. At this point, I've been the highest of the high [having my babies] and the lowest of the low [losing Devon]...and I'm still standing. Well, barely. Parenting two children is tough, yo.

As I look toward another year on this planet, my main goal is to make sure to make the most of the moments I have with my family. During this year, Mia will hit a lot of her firsts, including her first birthday, so I have so much to look forward. And JJ will turn SIX and start kindergarten. Wut. Just...wut. How did my first-born get so big so fast?! J is also deployed again, so we will have to make it through that as a family. My 10-year high school reunion will be this fall as well. So much is going on!

As I start a new year, I just wish for health, happiness and love. There hasn't been a dull moment the last few years, and I think 28 will be the same. I'm so happy to be ringing this birthday in with our sweet rainbow baby, and I'm so happy that I'm in a much better place now than I was a year ago. This past year was a great year for me - lost weight, ran my first 5K, gained a brother-in-law and, most importantly, had Mia - even though it started out rough because I was still reeling from losing Devon. It's refreshing to look back on the last year and be able to smile about it; I hope I can do the same a year from now when I'm about to turn 29.

29. One year from 30. Holy crap.

Happy Golden Birthday to me. :)

One month old.

I can't believe that Mia is one month old now. The last month has gone by so quickly...shoot, 2014 is going by so quickly! How are we already almost halfway through February?!

The last month has had its ups and downs, but it's been great overall. She's growing so fast - I had forgotten how fast newborn babies grow! She's out of her newborn clothes and into most of her 0-3 month clothes...thank goodness, because I bought a ton of 0-3 month clothes that she can wear! I'm not quite sure how much she weighs since she won't go back to the doctor for another month, but she is seemingly picking up weight and growing the way that she should. After spending two weeks on formula, we met with a lactation consultant and started exclusively breastfeeding...that's a whole new experience, since JJ was formula-fed. We're making it work, though, and I'm actually enjoying it now that I've made it through a couple of weeks. I hope to keep breastfeeding after I go back to work next month.

She is really a good baby during the day. She spends most of it sleeping, wakes up every 2-3 hours to eat, then goes back down. At night, though, she is wide awake. She still has her days and nights switched, which makes for a long night for me; she usually only stays up for 3-4 hours before knocking out, though, so at least she's not up all night long. She still isn't a big fan of the pacifier but is a big fan of skin-to-skin time and snuggling with mama. She's starting to recognize voices and seems to calm down when her big brother is around, which is so precious. I'm a little concerned about how close they will be since they're 5 years apart in age, but so far, it seems like they have a great relationship.

JJ is such a great big brother. He always gets me things when I ask, likes to help carry and hold baby sis, and always greets her with a hug [and a head pat] when we pick him up from daycare. I am still trying to give him one-on-one time when he gets home, and it's getting better as Mia gets older and our routine gets more established. I hope this trend continues.

Physically, I feel great. I'm back in my regular clothes, for the most part, but I refuse to step on a scale until my postpartum appointment next week. I'm getting a couple of hours of sleep at a time [when i can get it], so I'm sleepy a lot of the time...but I'm hanging in there. I feel like I bounced back quicker from this pregnancy than my previous two, and that may be because I still have to keep up with things since JJ is here and on an established routine. I think breastfeeding is helping, too; it's forcing me to eat healthier and keep my water intake up, since those help with providing milk for Mia. I hope to start running again when I go back to work in March.

Maternity leave is awesome. I'm not anywhere near ready to go back to work, so I'm glad I have one more month off. I've been a pretty lazy bum while home, but I do keep up with the housework. I should get out and go grocery shopping, but we got 2 inches of snow last night, so I'm not going anywhere but my couch. Ha. I thought I would be more active while I've been home, but I just want to snuggle with Mia and sleep during the day - which is pretty much all I do. With half of my maternity leave gone, though, I should probably start to get back on a semi-routine. Maybe. I've spent a lot of my leave snuggling with Mia on the couch while watching Food Network, HGTV or soap operas...don't think I want it any other way at this point, either.

We had Mia's newborn pictures three weeks ago, and they came out so great. I shared a couple of the pics on Facebook but am going to put some of my faves here. Every day, I look at Mia and can't believe that she's here, can't believe that she's mine. I do still have my moments of absolute sadness, because raising a rainbow is still hard. It reminds me of all of the moments I didn't get with Devon, and it makes me miss him even more. But I like to think that, when Mia is sleeping and starts to smile, she's talking to her big brother up there. I know that may seem silly, but that does give me comfort.

The first month of Mia's life has been great. I can't wait to watch her keep growing. I am beyond smitten with my sweet girl.

Sweet Pea has her daddy wrapped around her finger already.

Love.

This is one of my faves.

Adore this girl.

Baby yawns are the cutest!

One of my absolute faves.

Wide awake - and so adorable. 

This is my favorite. Ever. Can't wait to frame this one. 

I love her faces - and her onesie.

You make me happier than you'll ever know, sweet girl.

Our precious rainbow is here. And she's amazing. [also, this entry is reeeeally long]

I can't believe I get to write this...but I do. And I couldn't be happier.

Our Baby Sweet Pea, Mia Ka'iulani, was born on Thursday, January 9th, 2014, at 9:09am. 6 lbs., 13.7 oz., 19" long. She made a very, VERY fast appearance into this world, one that saw her mama have an epi-free, almost natural birth. She was determined to get here, lemme tell ya.

Back on December 23, my MFM told me that I should deliver between 38-39 weeks. Cool. No big deal. I told my OB when I saw him on December 30, and we went ahead and scheduled my induction for January 9th; I would go in on the 8th at 7pm to start things. Based on measurements, I would be 38w6d, so it worked out. Even by my original due date, I would still be almost 38 weeks, so she would be just about full term. At that point, I just wanted her out and in my arms, even though things were looking fine on the inside [besides the fact that her NSTs weren't all that great; she just wasn't an active baby at the end]. I will admit that I was a little worried we were taking her too early, but again - I wanted her out instead of in anyway.

I went back to work from Christmas break on January 2nd and started maternity leave prep. I also spent those last days finishing our bags, cleaning house and setting things up for Mia's arrival. There were some nights where contractions started up, but nothing ever came of those, so I knew I would probably make it to my induction date. J flew in the night of January 7th, and that's when things started to feel real. I was so thrilled to have him back with us.

I did work on the 8th - J caught up on sleep while I was at work, and working kept my mind preoccupied - and was just about out the door when I got a call from the hospital. They were completely booked [i had been warned when i scheduled my induction that they were going to be a full unit that week] and had no room for me to come in at 7pm. They put me on standby and hoped I could get in before midnight. I was a little deflated at that point - I had spent ALL DAY excited about getting this show on the road - but it did give me more time with JJ. So I went home, hung out with the mens and J's best friend, who had come in to town, and waited on my mom to get there. I did indulge in a banana split while waiting, too. :) I decided to take a nap at 9:30pm but kept my phone ringer turned up, just in case I got a call. At 10:30pm, the hospital called - they had a bed! Yay! I took a shower, shaved, grabbed my bags, said bye to everyone, and J and I headed to the hospital. I got there around 11:30pm, got admitted and was in a room by 11:45pm. My night RN, Paula, got me all settled and started Cervadil around 12:15am on the 9th.

I was too excited to sleep, but I tried to anyway. I dozed on and off until 2:15am, which is when I started feeling contractions. My sister and I were texting back and forth, which helped me through the contractions - they were coming every 4-5 minutes from the start. I remember texting her and saying that she should probably come up sooner rather than later, since I thought I would have a baby by lunch; she hopped in the car and drove up in the middle of the night. She's so awesome. I paged Paula around 4:30am and asked for some IV meds so I could try and get some rest; they definitely helped me relax. I felt so drunk - it was awesome. :P My sister arrived sometime after 5, and I dozed on and off until my OB arrived at 6:30am. I had gone from a 1 to a 3 on the Cervadil, so he went ahead and broke my water. My day RNs, Jennifer and Stephanie, started me on a round of pitocin at 7:45am. I settled in, mentally started preparing to get an epidural, and started to get excited. Mia was on her way!

I was still feeling the IV meds until after my pitocin was bumped at 8:15am; after that, the contractions started coming on pretty quick. By 8:30am, I was really uncomfortable and wanted an epi. I was at a 5-6, so the pitocin was turned off, but Jennifer wanted me to labor it out until 9am to see if my body was good to go or if I needed to get back on pitocin. I was in pain but thought I could make it to 9am. Mia, however, had other plans. By 8:40, I was shaking uncontrollably and just knew I was in transition; the contractions started coming every 1-2 minutes and were really, really intense. My sister paged the RNs, who rushed back to check me - I was nearly at an 8 and quickly progressing towards a 10. They put in the order for the epi and for my OB to come back [he'd gone to the office, which was right up the street], but things just moved too quickly. By 8:55, I was at a 10 and was told that I wouldn't be getting the epi after all.

Excuse me? No epi? I was about to have a natural birth?!

At that point, I was in so much pain that I could barely think straight, but my sister, J and the RNs helped me concentrate so I didn't lose my mind. Things were moving so quickly that there was barely time to think. I remember watching the RNs scramble around to get things ready and someone paging my OB to get there ASAP. I had to labor down until things got set up and my OB arrived around 9:05am; I still don't really know how I pulled that off. Two contractions and three pushes later, Mia was here. She didn't cry out right away like JJ had done when he was born, which worried me - but I did get to see her right after she was born, and she was OK. The RNs whisked her away to get her checked out, and I just sat there wondering what the hell had happened. Had I really had a baby that fast? With no epi? Really?

Things happened so quickly that my mom almost didn't make it; she got there just as I started to push. Shoot, my OB barely made it in time to deliver her. Mia's quick arrival did cause her some problems; she had very low blood sugar and some breathing issues. She also didn't really cry much as they were cleaning her and checking her out. She was taken to the nursery for testing and observation, and I didn't get to see her for another 2-3 hours. During that time, I got stitched up [had one first degree tear], cleaned up and got to process what had just happened. People kept telling me I was a rock star for pulling through that, but I was in shock that 1.) our rainbow was here, and 2.) she had come so quickly!

Mia was eventually brought back to us once her blood sugar stabilized, but she had to be checked every 4-5 hours. That sucked, because they kept having to stick her tiny little feet with a needle; that was hard for mama to watch. She also had some bruising on her face from how fast she had been born, but that has since gone down considerably. When I really got to hold her for the first time, I was in absolute awe. She had tons of dark hair and was so, so tiny. I couldn't believe how precious and tiny she was! We tried breastfeeding, but that hasn't gone so well, so I'm not quite sure if that's going to stick or not. She was - and still is - a fairly quiet baby who is pretty content as long as she's fed and not changed. She hates when we change her clothes and/or diaper. :) I spent that whole first night snuggling her; she was just amazing.

She was monitored on Friday, we had some visitors at the hospital, then we were discharged around 5:30pm. Going home with a baby in a car seat instead of empty arms almost had me in tears; I was beyond relieved that she was coming home with us. It has been quite the adjustment, but we are all managing after a couple of days at home. My awesome parents spent the weekend with us and were such a huge help. J has also been incredible. I've been pretty sore from the stitches and whole labor/delivery process, but I'm starting to feel better and have more energy. I hope that by the end of the week, I feel just about human again.

Mia is an awesome baby. JJ has been an awesome big brother, too. He has wanted to hold her, carry her, and play trains with her...he is the sweetest. It's been a struggle to make sure he gets lots of attention, but for the most part, he's done well - and I'm figuring it out. It's been important to me that we keep a routine for JJ's sake, and we're doing that, for the most part. I'm a little sleep deprived when I take him to school in the mornings, but that's no big deal. :)

This entry has gotten ridiculously long, so I'll stop rambling. I'm so grateful our rainbow is here; at the same time, I'm also sad that Devon isn't here with us. I keep thinking of all the things I missed out on with Devon, but I also remind myself that Mia is here because our love for Devon kept us going and eventually led us to Mia - so I need to cherish every single moment with our rainbow baby. I do feel overwhelmed at times by everything, but I'm managing. I'm just so, SO glad Mia is here. She's just...perfect.

My very last bump pic at 38w5d - the day we checked in to the hospital.

First time I really got to hold her. Such a sweet girl.

Sweet snuggles.

Going home!

What a year.

Is today really the last Sunday of the year? Are there seriously only TWO days left in 2013? Where in the world has this year gone?!

As I look back on the year that was, I can't believe how fast it went. I can't believe how far I've come. I can't believe what is coming in 2014. After a very, VERY hard 2012, I wasn't quite sure what 2013 would bring. I figured it HAD to be better than 2012, but I wasn't quite sure if that would be the case. You never know just what life will throw at you after you get the hardest moment of your life thrown at you unexpectedly.

I can honestly say, though, that 2013 has been a pretty awesome year. I've come so far mentally and physically, overcome so much, found strength I didn't know that I had. It's been quite the year.


Highlight of the year: Finding out we were expecting our rainbow. I wasn't even sure I wanted to try again after losing Devon, but I'm glad that we did decide to give parenthood another shot. This pregnancy has been challenging in several ways, but the end is near - I'm being induced on January 9. We're just days away from meeting our sweet Mia.

My latest belly shot on Christmas morning at almost 37 weeks. We're ready for you, sweet girl!

Lowlight of the year: Probably struggling with Devon's loss. The first four months were really hard for me because I still was struggling with losing him. Counseling really helped me move forward, and I'm in a much better place now.

My "WTF, I did that?!" moment of the year: I ran my first 5K! When I started training in January, I wasn't quite sure I would be able to pull it off...and training started to fade the last couple of weeks as I battled through shin splints and a busy schedule. But I finished the training and ran my first 5K at the end of April. I quit running as soon as I found out I was pregnant, but I'm looking forward to running again. I actually kinda miss it.

I posted this pic in a previous post, but I'm posting it again. Me after the OKC Memorial 5K in April. :)

Proud mama moment of the year: Sending JJ off to his first day of pre-k. Walking him in to his school and leaving him was so hard, but he loves school and has done so well this semester. I can't believe he's old enough to be in school!

Teary hugs good bye on JJ's first day of school.

Strongest moment of the year: Getting through Devon's angelversary. That big milestone was really, really hard - I hadn't cried that much since he died - but I was also relieved to have made it through my first year without him. I still think about him often and miss him so much, even with Mia on the way...there will always be a hole in my heart from his loss, but I am not struggling with it anymore. I've been able to move forward but still keep him a part of my life.

Other highlight moments: JJ turning 5 [more on that in a different post], turning 27, finding out I'm going to be an aunt(!), getting my dad back from Afghanistan for good.


Overall, 2013 was a great year...one that will be remembered for more ups than downs, which I'm so grateful for. When the year began, I wasn't quite sure how it would go - but I tried to make the most of it, and I think that I did. There's so much to look forward to in 2014:

-- Sweet Pea's arrival [11 days!]
-- My five-year wedding anniversary [seriously? five years?]
-- My golden birthday [28 on March 28th]
-- My first niece/nephew's arrival at the end of May
-- JJ starts kindergarten/Devon's second angelversary in August
-- My 10-year high school reunion in September/October [yikes]
-- All of Mia's firsts, and watching JJ grow into a big 6-year-old

So thanks for the memories, 2013. I cannot wait to see what 2014 has in store for me.