Introducing my sweet Devon.

From the moment I laid eyes on his sweet, sleeping face, I was absolutely in love. He had so much hair, long fingers and toes, and was a solid 5 pounds/19.5 inches long. He was absolutely, positively beautiful - and looked so much like his big brother.

I will never forget the moment the nurse wheeled him in. I was signing paperwork to transfer him to the funeral home and have his certificate of stillbirth finalized, and I just lost it. I am pretty sure I never cried as hard as I did the moment I actually got to hold him for the first time. I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to do it - I didn't actually see him until several hours after he was born sleeping - but I knew I would regret it if I didn't take the time to bond with him before he was lost to the skies forever. I cried my heart out as I mourned the loss of my sweet boy, my second born, a little boy whose eyes I would never see, whose smile I would never see, whose cry I would never hear.

I held him as I signed the paperwork, rocked him until it was suggested I get some rest and let him go. He was brought back to meet my mom and JJ, then sent to the funeral home. I got to see him one last time at the funeral home and spent an hour with him, my parents, my sister, J, his uncle and cousin, and JJ. I held him one last time, kissed his sweet face, stroke the adorable suit my parents found him - the only pair of clothes he would ever wear. I'll never forget the moment I saw him last, as I placed him in a basket and walked away, my heart forever broken.

It's been more than a year since I last saw him, and my heart still aches for him. I do have his pictures, and they mean SO MUCH to me...I'm so afraid of losing them that I lock them in a fireproof, flood-proof safe box when I'm not home. Those pictures, along with the onesie he wore at the hospital and my hospital bracelet, are the only things I have of Devon's. I will forever cherish them, especially his pictures.

For the past year, I've debated about showing the world his sweet face. Only my family members have seen him and his pictures, and I wasn't sure how the rest of the world would handle seeing a sleeping baby. The whole pregnancy/infant loss thing is still such a taboo topic that it's hard to tell how people will react to something like this. We did not have an open casket at his memorial - he was cremated - so no one outside of my family has actually seen what Devon looked like. But today, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I decided it was time to show the world the little boy who will always be a part of me.

Even as the world has kept going, as I've proudly watched JJ grow from a toddler to a little boy, as I've cherished my rainbow pregnancy, my heart still has a hole that was made the day Devon died. That hole will always be there, until we meet again. For now, though, I have his pictures, our memories together, and my love for him to keep me going on the tough days [like today].

So...here he is. Devon Alexander, born sleeping on August 19, 2012 at 5:30am. 5 pounds, 19.5 inches of pure perfection. I love you and miss you so much, sweet baby. In an hour, we'll light candles for you and for all of your angel friends - I hope you all can see them from Earth and feel the love your mommies, daddies, siblings, friends and family will always have for you.

Overwhelmed...kinda.

It has seriously been a crazy semester for me. I can't believe it's almost the middle of October - the last part of this year has flown by so fast. It's been almost non-stop since school started back up...which I can't complain about, because at least I'm hardly ever bored. I'm always on my toes, doing something, making something, preparing something for work or school.

But I'll admit - I'm starting to get overwhelmed just a bit.

I mentioned on FB that I was going to do Capture Your Grief this year...but I started doing the prompts and literally hyperventilated. I just can't do it this year. I'm trying so hard to be positive about this pregnancy and our rainbow that doing something as emotional as Capture Your Grief just isn't in the cards for me, even if I thought I could handle it [which I did]. When I truly don't want to do something, I block it out - and I've been blocking out Capture Your Grief this month, even though I was so excited and determined to do it last month. I almost feel like a failure because I want to remember Devon in every possible way, but I just can't do Capture Your Grief without having some sort of emotional breakdown. It's still so hard to remember, even after a year.

At this point, I'm almost 25 weeks pregnant with Baby Sweet Pea, and things are starting to get tough. I do feel great physically [besides random pains, lack of sleep and feeling sick after eating certain foods], which is nice...but I'm getting bigger, which is making it harder to do things. Bending over is nearly impossible, as is sitting on the floor because I get uncomfortable quickly. I do have energy, but by the end of a very long day, I just want to crash on the couch - and JJ wants to play. I do what I can to keep him active and to play with him, even though it's definitely getting harder to keep up with him. We went for a walk/bike ride the other day, and I felt like I was going to pass out after we walked about a mile or so [and I definitely was having Braxton Hicks]. Pushing myself physically is getting hard, especially since I really haven't stayed physically active - like running - due to my SCH diagnosis in fir trimester. Sigh.

On a brighter note, she is definitely more active now than she's ever been, which is putting my PgAL brain at ease. I'm not sure I'll fully breathe again until our next ultrasound - which is three weeks from Monday, finally! [this appointment has been scheduled for almost six weeks now] - but to feel her actually moving and kicking around in there is a relief. I'm not wanting to reach for my doppler every five seconds to make sure her heart is still beating, which is a nice feeling to have [even though I do still check on her with the doppler a couple of times a week...I'm not sure i'll let that habit go until she's born]. A part of me wants to slow this pregnancy down and enjoy it more, but a part also wants it to be January so that she can be nice and safe in my arms. As I get further along and start to show more, I get more excited...but I also get more anxious. My loss milestone is in less than nine weeks now, and I just know I'll start counting down the days as we get closer.

While i would love to think that I can do everything, I know that I can't - and I have to start acting like that. It's so hard to be a working "single" mom [i put "single" in quotes because i'm definitely still happily married, but with j and i living in two separate states, it falls on me to keep this household running with very little help], to have to put dinner on the table every night, to keep the kitchen cleaned and the clothes washed and JJ nice and happy. I pride myself on keeping it all together, but I do feel myself starting to come apart at the edges. It's becoming a little overwhelming to keep the house together, work together, and myself together for my children...and it kinda puts a damper on things because I want to be able to hold it together. I have to hold it together.

Tonight, I almost lost it with JJ because he got upset over a little thing [it doesn't take much to set off a 4-year-old; tonight's episode came about because his train track set wouldn't link up right]. I had to pull myself away and calm down before I yelled at him, something I don't want to do. That made him upset, and he started crying. Then I started crying. We sat on the floor and cried together for a couple of minutes before I picked us both back up [with some much-needed hugs and kisses] and got him to bed. It wasn't his fault I was upset; I just let things pile up emotionally, and I just hope I don't explode. It sucks to feel overwhelmed.

Sugar, spice and everything nice.

It's a girl!

I've been dying to say that since I found out Baby Sweet Pea was probably a girl at 14 weeks. But, being the paranoid person I am, I wanted to wait until my 18-week anatomy scan to make sure the guess was correct. From the beginning, I thought she was a girl - not just because my first tri was a little different from my boys, but just a feeling I had. I had the same feeling with JJ [I just knew he was a boy, even though I had wanted a girl at first] and Devon [even though I doubted my guess for a little while because first tri was SO hard with him], and now I'm three for three. :)

I'm still a little shocked that Sweet Pea is a girl. After two boys, I was almost sure I'd be destined for another one if we decided to have more children. To feel like she was a girl - and get that confirmation - was just amazing. I may or may not have cried when the tech told me at 14 weeks that baby was a girl; it was so hard to believe at first. All of our family members were surprised but thrilled; it took J awhile to come around to the fact that we are in fact having a girl and not another boy. But I know he will spoil her rotten.

My anatomy scan went well overall, which was a huge relief. I was so apprehensive since I hadn't had any sort of ultrasound in 4 weeks...and even though the doppler has been a source of comfort for me, it still isn't the same as actually seeing her and knowing she's OK. My sister went with me to the scan, which was awesome - I think she was fascinated by seeing the baby.

The baby was super active for awhile, then she got tired of being poked at and curled up in a ball. We didn't get any profile shots like we did with our boys, but the tech was still able to get some shots of her as she was getting all the measurements. She even flipped on the 3D mode and got a couple of pictures of her that way; that was SO COOL. I now want to do a 3D elective scan later on down the road. Seeing her like that was awesome. It took awhile to get all the measurements, but she is measuring on track [a couple of days ahead, even], and has all of her parts and is looking good.

Our only concern is that she has a bright spot on her heart. It is some sort of growth thing [the MFM and other moms-to-be have said what it's called, but I don't remember], and it will hopefully resolve itself in the next few weeks. However, it's a potential soft marker for Downs Syndrome, so that got me for a little bit. But she has no other signs, so we are confident that she is fine; our odds are low that she will have Downs. We're considering more testing, but we'll see what happens. Testing will not change anything; we just want her happy, healthy and in our arms in January. The absolute last thing I want is another late loss or the potential to lose her...we can handle just about anything else, but again, we're all confident she will be fine. Besides that bright spot, she looked fantastic.

It's so hard to believe that we are having a girl, and that I am nearly halfway to my due date. First trimester dragged on FOREVER, but now that school has started and JJ is in school, time is starting to fly. I go back to the MFM for another scan at 28 weeks, which will be the beginning of November - and I'll be in third tri by then. Holy crap. November seems so far away right now, but considering how busy work is about to become, the time will just fly. I will continue to see my regular OB routinely until my next scan, then we make plans for baby!

I'm so grateful that Sweet Pea is looking great, that we are headed towards our rainbow baby. I am still cautious, and still using my doppler every other day or so to check her heartbeat. But I'm starting to feel more movement, and before long, I hope that she's kicking away all the time until she arrives in the new year.

Keep baking and looking great, baby girl. You are so very much loved already.

3D of baby girl and her little arm/hand. :)

Sweet little feet!

School days.

When JJ was born - and the sleepless months after - I always thought, "He is seriously going to stay little forever."

Well, little definitely didn't last forever [unfortunately].

Yesterday was JJ's first day of pre-k. Yes, he's been in daycare most of his life, but going to pre-k is a lot different. Yesterday began what will be more than a decade's worth of schooling [not including college], of sports and PTA and new friends and awesome adventures. Yesterday, I had to face the reality that my baby is growing up a lot quicker than I thought he would.

Can't time just stand still for awhile?

After the overwhelming day that was Devon's angelversary, having to face this big milestone was hard, too. BUT, I only cried for 30 seconds. I totally thought I'd cry all the way to work, but I didn't [even though it was tempting]. My sister spent the previous night with me, so she went with me to drop JJ off...I'm so glad, because I totally would've bawled my eyes out all day if she hadn't. She would've given me hell if I had. :)

JJ seemed a little overwhelmed by his new surroundings and the new people, but he went there last year for awhile, so he remembered his old teacher and went with her to get breakfast after we put his things in his cubby and said our goodbyes. As I watched him walk away, my heart sank - because I truly felt like my little boy was no longer little anymore. From here, I think time will just fly by quicker as I watch him go through elementary, junior high/middle, and high school. Soon enough, he'll be a high school graduate and figuring out what he wants to do.

Geez - look at me. I'm getting waaaaaaay ahead of myself. As a mama, you want your babies to stay little forever; yesterday was confirmation that babies definitely do not stay little forever, and they grow much quicker than you want them to. But I will also enjoy watching him grow, learn, make new friends and become what I hope will be a strong, smart young man.

I know this entry is all over the place, because I personally feel so scattered emotionally. It's already been a long week, and it's not over. But at least I made it through the first day of school with little breakdowns and more smiles than tears. I'm so proud to be that boy's mama, that's for sure.

His teacher for the next year.

Walking to the car with Aunty - ready to go!

The best shot I could get of my Superman before we left.

Putting his bag in his cubby!

Saying my [tearful] good-bye.

Thanks, sissy, for coming with us!

To my sweet boy on his angelversary.

To my sweet, sweet Devon:

Happy Birthday, little man! You would have been a year old today. Well, you are a year old - in heaven, you are. I hope that you're having the most amazing birthday celebration with all of your angel friends. I bet someone made you a giant chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, and all of you are smashing into the cake and enjoying every bite.

I wish I could put into words just how much I miss you, how much I wish you were here, celebrating your birthday with your mommy, daddy, big brother, grandparents, aunties, uncles and other people who love you to pieces. I'm not quite sure I'll ever be able to put into words just how much I miss you, though...I just hope that you know, in your heart, that my hearts loves you and aches for you every single second of every single day. For the rest of my life, I will feel that way.

My hope is that you are up in heaven, being taken care of by your grandfather, your great-grandparents, your great-uncle and the hundreds of people who went before me and your daddy. My hope is that they are the ones putting you to bed at night, reading you bedtime stories, watching you hit all of your first milestones - the things that I wish so badly I could watch, but I can't. I hope they have been taking lots of pictures for me so that, one day, when I see you again, they can hand me a photo album of all the things I missed while you were serving as my guardian angel.

The 7.5 months I had you with me were some of the best months of my life. While I do not - and never will - understand why God decided he needed you more than I did, I'm grateful for every second I had with you. I will fondly remember the times that your brother and I sang "You Are My Sunshine" to you, the time we went to a Broadway musical and you kicked like crazy through the entire show [i hope you still love music!]. I will remember every moment - the good, the bad, and the horribly sad. I will miss you every single day, think of you every single day, wish you were here every single day.

But I do take comfort in knowing that you are safe. You are perfect. You will only know love, and hugs, and kisses, and warmth, and comfort. I imagine that you have the most awesome Christmas celebrations, the best birthday parties, and the most fun play dates. I smile when I envision you playing in heaven, because I know you are experiencing pure joy and happiness. That is all you will ever know, and I am grateful for that.

So today, on your special day, I will cry. A lot. But I will also smile, and sing "Happy Birthday" to you, and blow out a candle on a very special chocolate cupcake. Today, you are a year old. Today is your day. Know that your mommy is celebrating you, and loving you, from so very far away.

I love you, my sweet sunshine.
Mommy

Sigh of relief.

Pregnancy is never easy [unless you're one of those lucky women who only gains 15 pounds, never gets sick or battles acne, and loses the baby weight within weeks of giving birth]. Me + pregnancy has always equaled ROUGH, and even though this is my third - and I should be used to rough by now - I totally wasn't prepared.

Nausea hit at 4.5 weeks. Then I wound up in the ER with a bleed at 6 weeks - a bleed that continued to get worse until, at 11 weeks, my OB put me on bed rest to give it the chance to heal. I spent almost two weeks off my feet, went back to work [but pretty much sat at my desk, only getting up to greet families, get lunch and pee], then was sent to my new maternal-fetal medicine doctor to check things out.

The three weeks between appointments was so hard. I spotted for almost a month straight and wasn't sure what was going on, how Baby Sweet Pea was doing, or if things were looking good. I managed to make it to yesterday's appointment without totally losing my mind, but the nerves were obvious when I got there. I was shaking, my blood pressure was high, and I almost started crying the second I stepped into the ultrasound room. I wasn't sure what to expect...part of me prepared for good news, but part of me prepared for awful news.

Thank the stars, we got good news.

The tech immediately found a kicking Baby Sweet Pea with a strong heartbeat of 152 - one I got to hear for the first time yesterday. Considering the last time someone tried to find a heartbeat and let me listen, it was in the maternity ward when we lost Devon, being able to hear my baby's beating heart was so emotional. I broke down and started bawling as the tech continued, showing me all the growing parts of the baby and taking measurements. Long story short, I'm right on track, there isn't any evidence of a bleed [holy moly! that's amazing news!], and while there are a couple of potential trouble spots that need to be watched, I was told that things look really good.

It was amazing to see how big Baby Sweet Pea had gotten since my last ultrasound at 11 weeks. It was amazing to hear his/her heartbeat, to see him/her kicking around, to know that he/she is measuring on track and that the bleed is pretty much gone. I couldn't have asked for a better appointment yesterday; I just feel so incredibly lucky and blessed and relieved. At the same time, though, my PgAL brain just will not settle and is still on edge. I'm not sure I will fully relax until this baby get s to come home with us, and I'm thinking about getting a doppler to check the heartbeat in between appointments. As I get bigger and start to feel kicks, I start to enjoy the pregnancy more...but I'm still just so scared.

For now, though, I'm pregnant, I have a healthy baby, and I don't have a bleed. And, I'm now in second trimester, the nausea is fading [but it's being replaced by acid reflux, fun], and my energy is coming back. I am on Cloud Nine.

[also, we think we know what we're having, but i'm keeping my mouth shut until my anatomy scan in four weeks to get confirmation. how about that for a teaser?!]

Hi, my Baby Sweet Pea!

Eleven.

Eleven months. It's been eleven.whole.months since Devon was born sleeping.

Seriously?

When I came home from the hospital empty-handed and broken-hearted on that fateful August day, I knew my life was never going to be the same. I also figured that my life would, at some point, just stop. Even though I had an adorable son at home, and a loving husband, and friends/family that cared about me, I wasn't quite sure how I was supposed to keep going when I was going to have to bury my baby boy. I wasn't quite sure how I was supposed to bounce back from something like that.

Eleven months later, I still find it hard to believe that I'm still here, still standing, and living my life. I laugh on a daily basis now. Thanks to counseling, I've been able to find the happy side of life again and embrace it. I can talk about pregnancy and babies [not just because i'm pregnant again]. I can actually hold babies. These are all things that, last year, I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to do again. Everything seems so bleak when your world crashes around you and you have to dig your way out again.

As we get closer and closer to the one-year mark, I find myself thinking about the 48-hour span that changed my life. I know it's probably self-imposed torture to rehash things over and over again, but I do it because those 48 hours were the last hours I had with Devon. Even though he was already sleeping at that point, I still had that time with him, and it's precious time I'll always remember and cherish. That time will help get me through the rest of my life until I get to see him again.

It still hurts. I think it hurts more and more as we get closer to August 19 because reality sets in: I've spent more of my life without Devon than with him. I've live almost an entire YEAR of my life without my baby. I should be preparing for his 1st birthday, watching him hit all those important milestones that babies hit, posting random pictures of him and JJ interacting on Instagram and Facebook...not figuring out what type of memorial service to have to honor his passing.

I will say that I'm in such a better place now than I was even six months ago. Even though we've had complications with Baby Sweet Pea, just being pregnant again is a huge step. JJ is now 4 1/2 and starts pre-k in a month [holy moly], and he just keeps getting cuter and smarter by the day. I have way more happy days than gloomy days, have a much more optimistic outlook on life than I did even at the beginning of this year. While I still miss Devon every second of every day and think about him often, I've been able to move past the grief and accept reality. It's refreshing to be where I am in my life, because I honestly never thought I'd hit this point.

I know the next month will be hard for me. We have several appointments to check on Baby Sweet Pea [i'll explain more about that in a different post], my car still has to be fixed from an accident I was in a month ago, school will start up again soon, and I have to figure out what memorial things I want to do for Devon [and just how, emotionally, i'm going to get through the month of august]. But I know I can do this. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? Devon's loss has definitely made me stronger, and I hope he knows how strong he's made me. And how much I love/miss him.