Opening up. And moving forward.

I know that, for some, counseling is frowned upon, is something for the weak. For awhile, I thought that, too. But after losing Devon, and falling into a depression, I realized I couldn't pull out of it on my own. So, I tried counseling. I knew I had to do something.

The first time around just didn't feel right. I tried it a couple of months after losing Devon, and I was still so lost in my grief that I just shut it out and didn't take it to heart. That lasted one session. I was hanging on for awhile, but last month - as I neared my 27th birthday - I started floundering again. I was losing myself in the grief, and I knew I had to find away to pull out before it consumed me again. I couldn't fall back to that. I started looking around the Military OneSource site and found that they offered free counseling sessions - and they did them online - so I requested a session and decided to try it out. What did I have to lose? I wasn't sure how I would like the online setting, but at least I was trying it.

The person I'm working with is SO great. Oh my gosh. He's helped me overcome so much in the three sessions we've had, and the online setting really hasn't been that bad. I can still interact with him, still take his words to heart, even though we don't see each other face to face. I definitely cry during each session, but I don't feel as overwhelmed anymore. He also has experience working with women who have lost babies, which means he has a unique perspective - and experience - that the last person I worked with was lacking.

During my short time in counseling, I've worked through some of the mental roadblocks that were contributing to my grief. I've started to learn to move forward, to love myself again, to appreciate life even though Devon isn't here. I spent so much time being consumed by his loss that I wasn't focusing on what I already had - life, love and happiness. I know I always say that I'm OK, but I was just that - OK. Now, I'm starting to feel good, and even great, again.

It's been interesting, being in counseling and working through my issues with an outside party. My friends and family have been such a great support system, but there's just something about getting advice and help from someone not involved in this situation that has helped so much. He's provided so much insight, different ways to view what has happened...perspectives I never thought of before. Counseling hasn't been easy, by any means; I've had to go back to those early days, rehash some of those early memories. But in the end, it's been worth it.

Today, I feel like an -almost- new woman. I feel like I'm truly ready to move forward with my life, to have Devon as a part of my life but not have his loss consume me anymore. I'm so glad I forced myself to try counseling again, because it's been a lifesaver.

Oh. And random note to end this post: I run my first 5K on Sunday. Eek! Wish me luck!