Our sweet angel baby.

Two weeks ago today, I received the worst news of my entire life: the baby I'd been excited about, had been carrying for 34.5 weeks, no longer had a heartbeat. Medical issues took him from us way, way too soon, and that moment is one that will live with me forever.

At this point, most people know about this. We kept it quiet for a week as we grieved and held a memorial service for our precious baby boy, then we broke the news on FB. Close friends and family had been called, but we kept ourselves in a bubble until we felt OK breaking the news. But even a week after the announcement, and two weeks after that fateful ER visit that changed my life forever, it all seems like a bad dream. I know it's not, though, and I'm slowly starting to heal.

I wish I had the words to describe just how painful this is, but I really don't. I know everyone who's gone through a loss like this thinks, "It'll never happen to me." I thought the same thing, although I'd been cautious about my entire pregnancy because I'd had a lot of issues [a lot more issues than I'd had with JJ, that's for sure]. But to hear that your baby's gone is just...no words can describe how I felt. The pain is still raw, still real.

He was perfect - is perfect. I have pictures, got to hold him, have those memories I'll remember forever. Even though we didn't get to bring him home, he will always be my sweet second boy, my angel that will forever watch over me, J and JJ, my amazing little man that I know I will see again one day. Right now, it hurts; it hurts like hell. I never want to feel this pain again. But, as one of my friends told me, all breaks heal. My heart's broken now, but it's slowly starting to heal. It'll never be the same, but I'll be OK. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

I've been so incredibly blessed to have great people in my life who have helped me through all of this. J got to come home, my dad was home, we had lots of family and friends send flowers or bring food or come to the memorial...it was almost overwhelming, the amount of love and support we've received since everything happened. My parents, sister, son, husband, MCU staff at RACH and Pizazz family [they know who they are] have been such a source of strength for me; they've held me while I cried, told jokes when I needed a good laugh, let me talk when I needed to talk. I am forever, forever grateful that so many great people have been here for me, have given me strength when I thought I didn't have any to get through something like this.

Our sweet angel's obituary is located here, if anyone would like to read it [or the sweet notes that were left for us in the guestbook]. We love you so, so much Devon Alexander. May you always know how much your mommy loved you and will always love you. I only had you for a short time, but you left the biggest imprint on my heart.