Over the past few months, I feel like I've been going through the motions of life. Every now and then, I have this burst of feeling that makes me think I'm coming out of the monotony of it all...but nope. I think 2009 was such a random, weird year for me that I just got used to going through the motions and not really feeling it. The only part of my life that I really felt was the part that involved raising my son. We had a very trying year in 2009 since he was sick all the time and my job kept me away from him more than I liked. I didn't think about it then because I just went through the motions, but looking back on it, I was away from him a lot. I dind't mind it as much back then because I had some freedom to do whatever [like go out with friends] and knew he was in good hands, but I will NEVER do that again.
When 2010 started and I got my new job, I started to feel different. The stress started melting away. JJ got tubes and finally started to get better. J was definitely going into the Air Force, but I was starting to come to terms with that, too. I've felt like a different person this year...like I've finally started to get my life back. It's been nice to have that feeling, since my old job kept me busy and sucked me of all my energy. Don't get me wrong, I loved what I did - but it's funny how I never realized until after I left just how exhausting that job really was.
But tonight, something stop and really made me think about my life. A girl that I'd met once before - but I knew had an amazing spirit; you could just tell by her laughter, her voice and her FB friends who praised her right and left - died in a car accident yesterday morning. She was the same age as me and has a little boy at home around JJ's age [maybe older]. Even though I didn't know her personally, that story just broke my heart. A young woman, gone too soon...a toddler, left motherless. All because an idiot drove down the wrong lane of the highway and hit the car she was driving in. She had her seatbelt on - and she still died. Where's the fairness in that? The idiot lived, but she died and left her child behind. Every time I think about it, my mind just starts to spin. What if something like that happened to me? Worse, what if I lost JJ in an accident like that? Or just an accident period? I worry about him so much that I lose sleep over it. I always wonder, every second of every day, if I'll lose him. If I'll forget him in the car one hot summer day or if he'll choke on something or fall and hit his head. All of the possibilities gives me a headache and depresses me. I just worry so much about my little boy because if I ever lost him, I would probably die myself. He means the absolute world to me.
And because he means the world to me, I have to be the best mother to him I possibly can. Although I don't want to really think about it as much as I do, I know that tomorrow is never guaranteed, and God could call up any of us at any time. I want to be sure that the live I have with my son - and any other children we have, should we be blessed with them - is the fullest life. I want him to have everything he needs, but more importantly, I want him to know how much I love and adore him. I want him to be able to turn to me for whatever reason without fear or worry. I want to watch him grow up, be there for him all the time, support him in all he does. When he was first born, I wasn't sure if I was cut out to be a stay-at-home mom...but the older he gets, the more I want to be a SAHM. I'm hoping I can once we move to J's first duty station. I've also checked my fear of pregnancy and want to start trying right away. Children are blessings, and I know JJ will be an amazing older brother. I'm not afraid anymore that I won't be able to balance it, because I know I can. And I will.
I've been careless with my life the past few months. I've said some hurtful things, neglected my responsibilities and been selfish. I don't want to be that way anymore. This year has been so amazing [and way better than 2009], and I want it to continue. Right now, my mind's also consumed with J leaving for BMT in a week [i'm dreading that day and have been crying about it in secret for a month now] and my dad going back overseas this summer [for another year...i've been crying about that one, too]...but still, this year's been a great one so far. I've already made mental and physical changes that will benefit me and my family, and I know they'll continue and we'll get stronger as a single unit. I'm just grateful I have an amazing husband who understands and is patient with me, great parents and sister who are always there, and the most beautiful son who adores his mommy and is seriously one of the best children out there.
I know this entry's rambled on, but it's just a glimpse into how my mind works. When something triggers my thought process, I just write and don't change it up. Somewhere in there, it all makes sense and ties together. To sum it up: life is precious; don't take advantage of it, because it could all be gone tomorrow. Let your loved ones know how much you love and appreciate them. Always take the time to snap that picture you've been putting off, take that walk with your family, color that page with your child. I vow to do that.
