Single mom status.

I've been dwelling on this post for awhile, and whether I should open up a little bit more...but I feel like this is my place to do that, so here goes.

I've pretty much been raising JJ by myself since the day he was born. H and I have only lived in the same town at the same time for maybe 6 months out of the (almost) 6 years we've been together - and none of that time came after I had JJ, except for maternity leave. My sister lived with me the first nine months I had JJ, which was a huge help - and my parents used to keep JJ a lot when I traveled with my old job - but other than that, it's been just me and him. I've been the one who's done the dishes, cooked dinner, washed and folded the laundry, cleaned up messes, done all the chores, kissed away boo-boos, bathed and put JJ to bed...it's been all me. And it's been hard.

This past week, I've had a couple of breakdowns over it. I miss J. I miss having people around to hang out with and keep me company. I miss being able to just walk out the door and go to the gym or go for a walk. Getting out the door takes a good 15 minutes of preparation and perfect execution if I don't want to have to go back inside and get something. I'm one of the first of my close friends (if not THE first) to become a mom, and I feel like everything else about my life faded away the day I had JJ. Granted, we're all graduated from college and scattered across the country now, but still. It just sucks that I have no one here to help, no one here to talk to, no one here to have a glass of wine with after JJ's asleep.

I don't regret any of the decisions that have been made since J and I got together, had JJ and got married, but it's ridiculously overwhelming sometimes raising JJ by myself. I think more than anything, I just feel alone right now. I can occupy myself pretty well most nights (by watching movies or sports, reading or just vegging in front of the TV), but even people who don't mind being alone get lonely sometimes. It would be nice to have adult company every now and then, someone to talk to and laugh with. Honestly, it'd be nice to have my husband home, but being an Air Force family now, I know that won't happen as often as I would like.

When I was growing up, I NEVER thought this was the way it would go. I always thought I'd have a big wedding, wait two years, have two kids three years apart, live in a suburb and raise a family quietly. It's just funny how things change as you get older and the reality is quite different from the fantasy. I wouldn't change it though...except for the being away from J part. I could live without that for awhile.

Feel free to ignore this post...it's more of just me getting stuff off my chest than anything else. Carry on. :)


If you really knew me...

The other night, I was watching "If You Really Knew Me" on MTV. The program went to PC West in OKC and was pretty much a cleansing intervention for their senior class. Watching it made me wonder just what would've happened at my high school if a program like that had happened during my senior year. It's been six years since I graduated, but high school is high school. The types of people, cliques and issues stay the same across the generations.

Then, it got me thinking about what I was like in high school, the barriers I put up and the person I really was back then. If you really knew me back then...

You'd know that I really, really liked school. I wasn't a suck up or a goody two-shoes; I just enjoyed school. I enjoyed learning, enjoying being in class - but that didn't mean I wanted to be buddy buddy with my teachers. That's just the type of person I was - and still am. You'd know that I really did want to be a social person, but my mom had a strong hold on me and wouldn't let me be as free as I wanted.

If you really knew me back then, you'd know that I was NOT a lesbian. There's nothing wrong with that, obviously, but the fact that people spread rumors that I was because I didn't date guys hurt like hell. My religion - and family rules - wouldn't let me date until I was 16. Even after that point, no guy caught my attention enough for me to want to commit. Obviously, I'm happily married now (to a black guy, surprise surprise) with an adorable little man - bet you didn't see that coming when we were in high school, huh? You'd also know that all the crap people talked about me behind my back really, really hurt. I wish you'd had the balls to say it to my face, because it sucked. Big time. It took me awhile to ignore all the crap and move on from the negativity - I don't think I fully moved on from all the hurtful crap I went through until I got to college and moved away.

If you really knew me back then, you'd realize that my family and I were close because my parents refused to let our Army way of life get in the way. There was nothing wrong with my family; we just had a stronger relationship than most of you had with your families. You'd know that I was the way that I was to block everything out. It was the closest to my true self you'd see, and it helped keep my confidence intact while I was in public. You'd know that I continued to run for office because I wanted to make a difference, not because I wanted to be popular. If you'd taken the chance to know me, you'd know that. But you didn't.

The person I was in high school is definitely not the person I am now. I don't even recognize the person I used to be. Now, I'm more confident, more secure, more open with myself and with others. I'm less stressed about things and more willing to let change come into my life. I don't need to be a social bug to be happy, and I definitely don't need to be someone else to be happy with my life. I love my job, love my husband, love my son and love the way my life has turned out. I'm excited about being an Air Force wife, hella excited about Colorado, and I think I've finally gotten to the point where I can forget all that crap I went through growing up. At my 10-year high school reunion, I can't wait to show up and show everyone that I'm not the person I used to be - I'm better.

Oh, if you really knew me back then...


This thing called life...

...is moving along a lot faster than I thought it would. It's becoming too difficult to keep up!

I really wish I had some fun, spunky update - but I don't. I spent Thursday night - Tuesday afternoon sicker than I've been in quite some time (still haven't quite shaken the cold, but I do feel a lot better), so there goes that. And, life has really slowed down since my dad left and vacations ended. School, however, is gearing up, and I can feel the excitement in the air as the kiddos get ready to go back.

I bet J's feeling the school day blues again right now - he's in the middle of the law enforcement part of his tech school, so he's had a test every week for the past few weeks. J was never the studious type in high school and college, so I'm not quite sure just how he's handling all this studying and testing...I think he's doing OK, since he's motivated to do it, but I don't think he likes it. :) I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I get to see him in a couple of weeks...I could go 17 weeks without seeing him, but I don't really want to. I'm just glad his tech school's near me and not on one of the coasts.

I feel like I'm sort of in a rut. Like I need to find something to dig my way out of it. It's the same story all the time at home - cook, clean, play, bath, bed. I'm at a loss as to how to keep little man entertained at his age, and I don't want to get him any more toys since his birthday/Christmas are coming up. And let's not even go there about me. I haven't had a night out in weeks. I'm always tired (which is probably how I got sick in the first place), I worry too much so I don't sleep well at night...it's a never-ending cycle. I will say, though, that I finally started scrapbooking. I have tons of papers and stickers, and I've got ideas in my head for JJ's first year scrapbook. I just need to get the pics printed - Shutterfly, here I come!

I need to find something to make this blog more interesting so people will read it. Hm...unfortunately, I bet it won't get more interesting until I move to Colorado and have new places to talk about. :P We'll see!