I've pretty much been raising JJ by myself since the day he was born. H and I have only lived in the same town at the same time for maybe 6 months out of the (almost) 6 years we've been together - and none of that time came after I had JJ, except for maternity leave. My sister lived with me the first nine months I had JJ, which was a huge help - and my parents used to keep JJ a lot when I traveled with my old job - but other than that, it's been just me and him. I've been the one who's done the dishes, cooked dinner, washed and folded the laundry, cleaned up messes, done all the chores, kissed away boo-boos, bathed and put JJ to bed...it's been all me. And it's been hard.
This past week, I've had a couple of breakdowns over it. I miss J. I miss having people around to hang out with and keep me company. I miss being able to just walk out the door and go to the gym or go for a walk. Getting out the door takes a good 15 minutes of preparation and perfect execution if I don't want to have to go back inside and get something. I'm one of the first of my close friends (if not THE first) to become a mom, and I feel like everything else about my life faded away the day I had JJ. Granted, we're all graduated from college and scattered across the country now, but still. It just sucks that I have no one here to help, no one here to talk to, no one here to have a glass of wine with after JJ's asleep.
I don't regret any of the decisions that have been made since J and I got together, had JJ and got married, but it's ridiculously overwhelming sometimes raising JJ by myself. I think more than anything, I just feel alone right now. I can occupy myself pretty well most nights (by watching movies or sports, reading or just vegging in front of the TV), but even people who don't mind being alone get lonely sometimes. It would be nice to have adult company every now and then, someone to talk to and laugh with. Honestly, it'd be nice to have my husband home, but being an Air Force family now, I know that won't happen as often as I would like.
When I was growing up, I NEVER thought this was the way it would go. I always thought I'd have a big wedding, wait two years, have two kids three years apart, live in a suburb and raise a family quietly. It's just funny how things change as you get older and the reality is quite different from the fantasy. I wouldn't change it though...except for the being away from J part. I could live without that for awhile.
Feel free to ignore this post...it's more of just me getting stuff off my chest than anything else. Carry on. :)
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