I never, ever imagined that I would be celebrating this Mother's Day with just JJ. I never, ever imagined that I would be doing a balloon release, hoping that the balloon will fill with my love and be caught by Devon in heaven, instead of enjoying brunch with both my boys. It's a little overwhelming to be facing this day and only feel like half a mom because I only have one of my sons.
During my counseling session two weeks ago, I told my counselor that I was going to do a balloon release on Mother's Day. He suggested that, along with the release, I write a good-bye letter and read/launch it with the balloon. It's a way for me to let go of the emotional hold I've had on his death, to truly start moving forward and have him as a part of my life instead of an all-consuming type of thing. I'm not really say good-bye to him; I'm saying more of a, "I will see you again someday." I wrote the letter on Friday, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm supposed to read it out loud before I launch it, and I know I will just cry my eyes out when I do it. I'm considering blogging the letter, but I'm not quite sure if I want to do that. I'll think about it and see. I will say, though, that I felt a sort of peace after writing the letter. I put everything I wanted to say to him into that letter, and I just know he will be listening and take my words to heart tomorrow when I do the launch. He is part of the reason why I'm a mother, even if he isn't here, and he deserves to be a part of my day tomorrow. The launch and the letter will help keep him close to me.
Even as I still grieve, though, I am SO incredibly grateful that JJ is here with me. We're going to the zoo tomorrow with my sister and parents - and he LOVES the zoo. It will be so fun to take him there, to see his excitement as he sees the elephants and the monkeys and the giraffes, to spend the day with my precious boy. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: that boy is the light of my life. Even when he pushes me to my limit [we're at that 4-year-old "i'm going to whine about everything" phase], even when he doesn't listen to me the first 20 times, I am always grateful and thankful that I get to be his mommy. He is the cutest, funniest, random kid ever, and he is just so smart and so aware of the world around him. I'm blessed beyond words that he's mine. I focus so much of my blog on my loss that I just want the world to be reminded that I have a great kid on this Earth that calls me Mommy, and he makes me so happy.
I think Mother's Day will be hard for me for the rest of my life. The sting of the day isn't as bad [and i pretty much have counseling to thank for helping me come back to reality, face it and move forward], but my heart will always ache for the son I don't have. But, Lord willing, JJ will celebrate every single Mother's Day with me until the end of my days, and should we be blessed with other children, they will also celebrate Mother's Day with me. To be able to call myself a mom is the most incredible thing ever, and I will always cherish every Mother's Day. It will always just be a little bittersweet.
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