Sugar, spice and everything nice.

It's a girl!

I've been dying to say that since I found out Baby Sweet Pea was probably a girl at 14 weeks. But, being the paranoid person I am, I wanted to wait until my 18-week anatomy scan to make sure the guess was correct. From the beginning, I thought she was a girl - not just because my first tri was a little different from my boys, but just a feeling I had. I had the same feeling with JJ [I just knew he was a boy, even though I had wanted a girl at first] and Devon [even though I doubted my guess for a little while because first tri was SO hard with him], and now I'm three for three. :)

I'm still a little shocked that Sweet Pea is a girl. After two boys, I was almost sure I'd be destined for another one if we decided to have more children. To feel like she was a girl - and get that confirmation - was just amazing. I may or may not have cried when the tech told me at 14 weeks that baby was a girl; it was so hard to believe at first. All of our family members were surprised but thrilled; it took J awhile to come around to the fact that we are in fact having a girl and not another boy. But I know he will spoil her rotten.

My anatomy scan went well overall, which was a huge relief. I was so apprehensive since I hadn't had any sort of ultrasound in 4 weeks...and even though the doppler has been a source of comfort for me, it still isn't the same as actually seeing her and knowing she's OK. My sister went with me to the scan, which was awesome - I think she was fascinated by seeing the baby.

The baby was super active for awhile, then she got tired of being poked at and curled up in a ball. We didn't get any profile shots like we did with our boys, but the tech was still able to get some shots of her as she was getting all the measurements. She even flipped on the 3D mode and got a couple of pictures of her that way; that was SO COOL. I now want to do a 3D elective scan later on down the road. Seeing her like that was awesome. It took awhile to get all the measurements, but she is measuring on track [a couple of days ahead, even], and has all of her parts and is looking good.

Our only concern is that she has a bright spot on her heart. It is some sort of growth thing [the MFM and other moms-to-be have said what it's called, but I don't remember], and it will hopefully resolve itself in the next few weeks. However, it's a potential soft marker for Downs Syndrome, so that got me for a little bit. But she has no other signs, so we are confident that she is fine; our odds are low that she will have Downs. We're considering more testing, but we'll see what happens. Testing will not change anything; we just want her happy, healthy and in our arms in January. The absolute last thing I want is another late loss or the potential to lose her...we can handle just about anything else, but again, we're all confident she will be fine. Besides that bright spot, she looked fantastic.

It's so hard to believe that we are having a girl, and that I am nearly halfway to my due date. First trimester dragged on FOREVER, but now that school has started and JJ is in school, time is starting to fly. I go back to the MFM for another scan at 28 weeks, which will be the beginning of November - and I'll be in third tri by then. Holy crap. November seems so far away right now, but considering how busy work is about to become, the time will just fly. I will continue to see my regular OB routinely until my next scan, then we make plans for baby!

I'm so grateful that Sweet Pea is looking great, that we are headed towards our rainbow baby. I am still cautious, and still using my doppler every other day or so to check her heartbeat. But I'm starting to feel more movement, and before long, I hope that she's kicking away all the time until she arrives in the new year.

Keep baking and looking great, baby girl. You are so very much loved already.

3D of baby girl and her little arm/hand. :)

Sweet little feet!

School days.

When JJ was born - and the sleepless months after - I always thought, "He is seriously going to stay little forever."

Well, little definitely didn't last forever [unfortunately].

Yesterday was JJ's first day of pre-k. Yes, he's been in daycare most of his life, but going to pre-k is a lot different. Yesterday began what will be more than a decade's worth of schooling [not including college], of sports and PTA and new friends and awesome adventures. Yesterday, I had to face the reality that my baby is growing up a lot quicker than I thought he would.

Can't time just stand still for awhile?

After the overwhelming day that was Devon's angelversary, having to face this big milestone was hard, too. BUT, I only cried for 30 seconds. I totally thought I'd cry all the way to work, but I didn't [even though it was tempting]. My sister spent the previous night with me, so she went with me to drop JJ off...I'm so glad, because I totally would've bawled my eyes out all day if she hadn't. She would've given me hell if I had. :)

JJ seemed a little overwhelmed by his new surroundings and the new people, but he went there last year for awhile, so he remembered his old teacher and went with her to get breakfast after we put his things in his cubby and said our goodbyes. As I watched him walk away, my heart sank - because I truly felt like my little boy was no longer little anymore. From here, I think time will just fly by quicker as I watch him go through elementary, junior high/middle, and high school. Soon enough, he'll be a high school graduate and figuring out what he wants to do.

Geez - look at me. I'm getting waaaaaaay ahead of myself. As a mama, you want your babies to stay little forever; yesterday was confirmation that babies definitely do not stay little forever, and they grow much quicker than you want them to. But I will also enjoy watching him grow, learn, make new friends and become what I hope will be a strong, smart young man.

I know this entry is all over the place, because I personally feel so scattered emotionally. It's already been a long week, and it's not over. But at least I made it through the first day of school with little breakdowns and more smiles than tears. I'm so proud to be that boy's mama, that's for sure.

His teacher for the next year.

Walking to the car with Aunty - ready to go!

The best shot I could get of my Superman before we left.

Putting his bag in his cubby!

Saying my [tearful] good-bye.

Thanks, sissy, for coming with us!

To my sweet boy on his angelversary.

To my sweet, sweet Devon:

Happy Birthday, little man! You would have been a year old today. Well, you are a year old - in heaven, you are. I hope that you're having the most amazing birthday celebration with all of your angel friends. I bet someone made you a giant chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, and all of you are smashing into the cake and enjoying every bite.

I wish I could put into words just how much I miss you, how much I wish you were here, celebrating your birthday with your mommy, daddy, big brother, grandparents, aunties, uncles and other people who love you to pieces. I'm not quite sure I'll ever be able to put into words just how much I miss you, though...I just hope that you know, in your heart, that my hearts loves you and aches for you every single second of every single day. For the rest of my life, I will feel that way.

My hope is that you are up in heaven, being taken care of by your grandfather, your great-grandparents, your great-uncle and the hundreds of people who went before me and your daddy. My hope is that they are the ones putting you to bed at night, reading you bedtime stories, watching you hit all of your first milestones - the things that I wish so badly I could watch, but I can't. I hope they have been taking lots of pictures for me so that, one day, when I see you again, they can hand me a photo album of all the things I missed while you were serving as my guardian angel.

The 7.5 months I had you with me were some of the best months of my life. While I do not - and never will - understand why God decided he needed you more than I did, I'm grateful for every second I had with you. I will fondly remember the times that your brother and I sang "You Are My Sunshine" to you, the time we went to a Broadway musical and you kicked like crazy through the entire show [i hope you still love music!]. I will remember every moment - the good, the bad, and the horribly sad. I will miss you every single day, think of you every single day, wish you were here every single day.

But I do take comfort in knowing that you are safe. You are perfect. You will only know love, and hugs, and kisses, and warmth, and comfort. I imagine that you have the most awesome Christmas celebrations, the best birthday parties, and the most fun play dates. I smile when I envision you playing in heaven, because I know you are experiencing pure joy and happiness. That is all you will ever know, and I am grateful for that.

So today, on your special day, I will cry. A lot. But I will also smile, and sing "Happy Birthday" to you, and blow out a candle on a very special chocolate cupcake. Today, you are a year old. Today is your day. Know that your mommy is celebrating you, and loving you, from so very far away.

I love you, my sweet sunshine.
Mommy