Return to Zero.

I knew about Return to Zero from various loss sites and knew the movie would be coming out on Lifetime. I knew when the first airing was on because my Facebook feed was flooded with people - loss parents, supporters, people who enjoy Lifetime movies in general - providing feedback. I saw it on my TV guide but didn't record because, well, I didn't know if I had the strength to watch it.

Turns out, I did.

I found the movie on my On Demand channel and, without second thought, hit the play button. I sat on my couch for an hour and 45 minutes, praying both kids would stay asleep so they wouldn't hear or see the crying puddle their mother had turned into. That was one of the most intense experiences of my life; I had a knot in my throat and stomach the entire movie. I've never felt that way watching a movie before - but I've also never watched a movie I could relate to so much.

For those who don't know, Return to Zero is about a couple who lose their baby at 38 weeks and the aftermath. It hit so close to home on so many levels that it was emotionally jarring. I was suddenly thrown back to August 18, 2012, in the quiet maternity ward of Reynolds Army Community Hospital, the place where I was told my son no longer had a heartbeat. I didn't go home like they did in the movie; I stayed, and labored, and cried in a quiet delivery room as the RN and OB carried my angel boy away. I spent time with him, held him, rocked him as I signed the papers signifying his death. We had a memorial - one I barely remember - and we had him cremated, his ashes sitting in a blue box on my dresser. I remembered the dark hole that the lead character lived in, and I cringed at the ridiculous crap people said in the movie (although I never had someone tell me Devon was up there picking out a healthy baby for me; I would have slapped that person if I'd ever been told that). I recalled the tense moments between me and J, the ease I shut him - and others - out as I figured out how to move on after my baby had died on my watch. I remember the guilt, the anger, and anguish...it all came back so clear as I watched.

I cried the entire movie. God, did I cry. I sat on my overly warm couch, curled up under a blanket I didn't need but wanted anyway, and I bawled my eyes out. I almost threw things, because I remembered it all, and it hurt. I could've stopped the movie and made the hurt go away, but I didn't. I watched, and I wept, and I remembered.

But you know what? I am SO glad I watched the movie. I am SO glad that this movie was made, was put out there for people to see. No one wants to talk about pregnancy and infant loss because it's taboo. I think some people truly believe that something as awful as a baby dying never happens, but I am living proof that it does. Return to Zero was spot on with the experiences, and the emotions, and the things that can happen after you experience such a devastating loss. I hope it was an eye-opening experience for people, that those who have never gone through this can sorta understand what really happens when a baby dies.

At first, I regretted starting the movie with no one else to watch it with me, because I thought I would want the support. But I'm glad I watched it alone, because I could really remember, and really cry, and get through the movie at my own pace while dealing with all the emotions. It was probably the hardest movie I'll ever watch, but it is also one of the best I'll ever watch.