This month is more than just "another month", though; it's Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, an event that wasn't even on my radar until Devon died. It's so hard to remember my carefree life before he died, and how things were before my world was shattered.
But today, instead of rehashing the past and how different my life is now, I'm going to live in the present and talk about how great it is. When I stop and think, it really is a great life.
I am blessed with two beautiful Earth babies and my sweet angel baby. Even with the struggles we've had with JJ, he is still so bright, and intelligent, and fun. Watching him grow has been the biggest blessing; I never knew how much my life would change when he was born, but he is just the best. And Mia - my goodness. She is a joy! She's so easygoing and giggly and such a charmer. What did I do to be blessed with three beautiful children? They make my life worth living.
I am fortunate to have a close relationship with my parents and my sister. My parents are the absolute best, watching my children without asking for a thing in return. My mom took off last Friday to watch Mia after surgery so that I could stay at work for awhile and catch up (she wound up watching both of my kids since JJ got sick, but she just said it was an added bonus to be able to spend all day with them). My dad loves to take JJ on "manly" excursions - bike rides around his college campus, to the car wash to wash his truck etc. My sister is great with the kids, especially JJ (probably because JJ is a mini version of Alicia, just ten times magnified in terms of personality and craziness, ha). They have helped me so much as I've raised the children on my own; I wouldn't be here without them.
I have a very fulfilling job. I get to work with some of the best, brightest students that my alma mater has to offer, and it is so awesome. Yeah, it's crazy a lot of the time, but the environment I work in is top-notch, and I love what I do. I hope to stay in higher education forever and continue to advise; I feel like I'm good at it, and I'm passionate about it. I also hope to start my master's degree sooner rather than later; I miss being in the classroom setting and am eager to learn more.
My friends are the greatest! I have a small circle of people that I hang out with on a regular basis, but they are the most generous, cool people ever. They're always there when I need a hug, or chocolate, or a drink, or something to babysit my children. Some (like my best friend) have been around for years; others (like my former coworker who moved home but is still a close friend of mine) have been around for a small amount of time but have become someone I will remain close to forever. While I am not the greatest at staying in touch, and usually can't have a conversation for long due to the kids, I hope they know that I adore each of them, and I would go to bat for every single one of them.
I have had some really cool experiences in my life. I've been to DisneyWorld and Universal Studios, got to live in Hawaii for a few years, have road tripped across the country and have seen some of the coolest things. I still have more places I want to go and more things I want to do, but I've done some pretty neat stuff already. I can't wait to add more things to that list of cool experiences.
My life has been hard the last couple of years. I live in constant fear that something will happen to my children. I miss my son more than words can say. Some days, I wake up wondering if this is really my life, if I really had to bury a child, if this is really how I see things now. But then I think of my children, and my family, and my life in general...and I try to live in the moment. Try to remember that even through all the darkness, there have been many more bright spots. I pray that I can remember these moments when I feel sad, or depressed, or angry at how things have gone - because these moments have pulled me through to where I am today.
