Twenty thangs.

So, you guys know about that new Facebook thing, right? You get assigned a number, and you have to write that many facts about yourself in a status update.

Well.

Silly me liked my sister's status when she did that, and she gave me the number TWENTY. As in, 2-0. Of course she would be the one to do that.

-________-

Instead of writing all 20 things in this long Facebook status that would make half of you hide me from your feed [if you haven't already], I decided just to write a blog post. That way, you can read all of this if you want...or leave now, and not be bored.


My Long-Ass List, Thanks to Alicia Jackson
1. I shop on Amazon way too much. Like, WAY too much. And I haven't even hit Black Friday yet, which is when I do most of my damage on that site.

2. I grew up loving the color blue but became a huge orange fan after going to OSU and discovering that I actually look decent in orange. :P

3. I love heart charms. I have a heart charm bracelet, heart charm necklaces and a heart charm ring. I love the hearts.

4. I would eat Starburst every day if I could get away with it and not make myself sick.

5. Gilmore Girls is my all-time favorite show. I cried watching the last episode. I still miss that show, and it's been off the air for years now.

6. My poor parents had such a hard time managing my hair when I was younger that there are quite a few pictures of me with ridiculously-looking hair. I feel bad for them and how they had to deal with TWO of us with crazy hair; I'm glad the hair products have gotten better and better as we've gotten older.

7. I am absolutely afraid that I am a horrible mother. That was my biggest fear while pregnant with JJ, and I still have that fear - and the kid is almost 5 now.

8. I rode a horse once when I was in like, 6th grade [remember Mrs. Belinski, Alicia?!], and I loved it. I really want to ride a horse again someday.

9.  I do NOT like the song "Ebony and Ivory". My name isn't even spelled with a freaking -y at the end. We used to sing that blasted song all the time in elementary school, and I always got made fun of because of it. Lame.

10. I really am not a confident person. My self-confidence has gotten better as I've gotten older, but I doubt myself way more than I let on.

11. It doesn't take much for me to cry. I cry when I'm pissed off, I cry during random commercials, I cry watching military homecoming reunions, I cry when my son cries...it's bad. I've always been this emotional.

12. I was hella dramatic in high school. Good gracious. I still have my dramatic moments, but luckily, my overly dramatic side has calmed down.

13. I'm not a big fan of odd numbers; they bug me. [and yes, i realize it's a little ironic that i wrote this one on an odd number]

14. I seriously suck at surprises. I'm that person that wants to tell you what I got you for Christmas the second I buy it. I think it drives my family nuts.

15. I love making lists. I make lists for everything. I currently have lists made for JJ's birthday party, my will-be-packed-soon hospital bag, potential meal ideas and packing that needs to be done for the Christmas holiday [even though that's like, a month away].

16. I hate mayonnaise. Like, hate it. If I can even see a tiny bit of it on a burger, or if I can taste even a tiny bit of it in a sandwich or something, I won't eat it. I'll throw it away. Blech.

17. I love getting my nails done, but I honestly don't have time to get them filled every two weeks - so I quit doing it. I think my nails thank me for it, though, because they're so healthy now. [my pocketbook thanks me, too]

18. My mom and I are more alike than I'm willing to admit. I used to deny it, but as I've gotten older and become a mother, it's completely obvious that I'm a lot like my mom. I'm not saying that's a bad thing; my mom is awesome. But the realization that you are exactly like your mother is a little terrifying when you totally think you're your own person.

19. I really admire my sister for everything she has done. She used to be so introverted in high school [which I know is really, really hard to believe]...and she's blossomed since college. I'm so proud of her.

20. I will only eat Chips Ahoy cookies if they're warmed up in the microwave. That is the ONLY way to eat those cookies.


OK. There ya go. Twenty things. Thanks a lot, sis. :) And now, because I can, I'm posting a random picture from a shoot JJ did this past weekend with our favorite photographer, Averi. His pictures came out SO AWESOME.

Keep growing, Baby Sweet Pea. [an update]

While I don't particularly like the reason why I'm considered high risk this pregnancy, I do like that I get to see Baby Sweet Pea more often via ultrasound than I saw my boys. Today was another one of those ultrasound days - a day I've been anxiously awaiting for more than two months [which is when my last ultrasound was].

Even though I really shouldn't have been nervous - Sweet Pea had been a VERY active little bean for most of the day - I was totally nervous when I walked into my MFM's office. My awesome mom made the trip up from our hometown to attend the scan with me, so that helped calm my nerves a little bit. My blood pressure was still higher than normal, though, something I'm chalking up to the nerves [but my blood pressure is starting to rise, so gotta keep an eye on that]. The nerves went away as soon as I got first glance at Sweet Pea, though.

The first thing I thought was, "Man. She's so big!" My last scan was 10 weeks ago, and she has definitely grown a lot since then. Measurements put her four days ahead of my due date [but I'm not changing my EDD] and weighing about 2lbs12oz. She had a bright spot on her heart at her anatomy scan, but that seemed to have disappeared - woo! Everything with her looks great and is developing on track, and she even yawned a few times. The tech even put the 4D on so I could see her that way - so.flipping.awesome. She gave us a wave and yawned again, and I really got to see her little face and hands. It looks like she has my nose. :) It was such a relief to get a great report and to know that she is developing as she should.

At this point, I'm 28 weeks and almost in the home stretch. I start non-stress tests in three weeks, go back in four for another ultrasound, then I schedule my hospital tour and go to my refresher baby course. The closer we get to January, the more excited I get. I think I'm finally starting to feel like she could come home with us. I'm not as stressed out as I was with my last pregnancy, I've really been watching what I do and try not to overdo it, and I just feel better about things. I've started buying clothes for her, got her car seat, and I'm about to buy her stroller. Eek!

I really haven't stopped smiling since I left the scan - and it was so neat to share that experience with my mom, who hasn't been to an ultrasound since JJ's 20-week scan [which was more than five years ago, holy crap]. I think she thinks that we pregnant women are spoiled today; technology has advanced so much since my sister and I were born. She couldn't believe the detail we could see with the 4D - and neither could I!

I hope that I can continue to be excited about Baby Sweet Pea's arrival. Apprehension starts to creep in as I think about how close I am to my loss milestone, but I'm trying to stay positive and believe that she will come home with us. Keep growing, Baby Sweet Pea. I absolutely can't wait to meet you.

She cooperated and gave us an awesome profile shot today. :)

She's got the beginnings of my nose. I love that face.

As a side note, thank you all SO much for reading my post on my sweet Devon. It meant the world that so many of you took the time to read my post and leave sweet comments about how beautiful he was. It took a lot for me to share that picture, and I was really anxious about how things would go down after I posted. I'm so grateful to have awesome people in my life. Thank you.

Introducing my sweet Devon.

From the moment I laid eyes on his sweet, sleeping face, I was absolutely in love. He had so much hair, long fingers and toes, and was a solid 5 pounds/19.5 inches long. He was absolutely, positively beautiful - and looked so much like his big brother.

I will never forget the moment the nurse wheeled him in. I was signing paperwork to transfer him to the funeral home and have his certificate of stillbirth finalized, and I just lost it. I am pretty sure I never cried as hard as I did the moment I actually got to hold him for the first time. I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to do it - I didn't actually see him until several hours after he was born sleeping - but I knew I would regret it if I didn't take the time to bond with him before he was lost to the skies forever. I cried my heart out as I mourned the loss of my sweet boy, my second born, a little boy whose eyes I would never see, whose smile I would never see, whose cry I would never hear.

I held him as I signed the paperwork, rocked him until it was suggested I get some rest and let him go. He was brought back to meet my mom and JJ, then sent to the funeral home. I got to see him one last time at the funeral home and spent an hour with him, my parents, my sister, J, his uncle and cousin, and JJ. I held him one last time, kissed his sweet face, stroke the adorable suit my parents found him - the only pair of clothes he would ever wear. I'll never forget the moment I saw him last, as I placed him in a basket and walked away, my heart forever broken.

It's been more than a year since I last saw him, and my heart still aches for him. I do have his pictures, and they mean SO MUCH to me...I'm so afraid of losing them that I lock them in a fireproof, flood-proof safe box when I'm not home. Those pictures, along with the onesie he wore at the hospital and my hospital bracelet, are the only things I have of Devon's. I will forever cherish them, especially his pictures.

For the past year, I've debated about showing the world his sweet face. Only my family members have seen him and his pictures, and I wasn't sure how the rest of the world would handle seeing a sleeping baby. The whole pregnancy/infant loss thing is still such a taboo topic that it's hard to tell how people will react to something like this. We did not have an open casket at his memorial - he was cremated - so no one outside of my family has actually seen what Devon looked like. But today, on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I decided it was time to show the world the little boy who will always be a part of me.

Even as the world has kept going, as I've proudly watched JJ grow from a toddler to a little boy, as I've cherished my rainbow pregnancy, my heart still has a hole that was made the day Devon died. That hole will always be there, until we meet again. For now, though, I have his pictures, our memories together, and my love for him to keep me going on the tough days [like today].

So...here he is. Devon Alexander, born sleeping on August 19, 2012 at 5:30am. 5 pounds, 19.5 inches of pure perfection. I love you and miss you so much, sweet baby. In an hour, we'll light candles for you and for all of your angel friends - I hope you all can see them from Earth and feel the love your mommies, daddies, siblings, friends and family will always have for you.

Overwhelmed...kinda.

It has seriously been a crazy semester for me. I can't believe it's almost the middle of October - the last part of this year has flown by so fast. It's been almost non-stop since school started back up...which I can't complain about, because at least I'm hardly ever bored. I'm always on my toes, doing something, making something, preparing something for work or school.

But I'll admit - I'm starting to get overwhelmed just a bit.

I mentioned on FB that I was going to do Capture Your Grief this year...but I started doing the prompts and literally hyperventilated. I just can't do it this year. I'm trying so hard to be positive about this pregnancy and our rainbow that doing something as emotional as Capture Your Grief just isn't in the cards for me, even if I thought I could handle it [which I did]. When I truly don't want to do something, I block it out - and I've been blocking out Capture Your Grief this month, even though I was so excited and determined to do it last month. I almost feel like a failure because I want to remember Devon in every possible way, but I just can't do Capture Your Grief without having some sort of emotional breakdown. It's still so hard to remember, even after a year.

At this point, I'm almost 25 weeks pregnant with Baby Sweet Pea, and things are starting to get tough. I do feel great physically [besides random pains, lack of sleep and feeling sick after eating certain foods], which is nice...but I'm getting bigger, which is making it harder to do things. Bending over is nearly impossible, as is sitting on the floor because I get uncomfortable quickly. I do have energy, but by the end of a very long day, I just want to crash on the couch - and JJ wants to play. I do what I can to keep him active and to play with him, even though it's definitely getting harder to keep up with him. We went for a walk/bike ride the other day, and I felt like I was going to pass out after we walked about a mile or so [and I definitely was having Braxton Hicks]. Pushing myself physically is getting hard, especially since I really haven't stayed physically active - like running - due to my SCH diagnosis in fir trimester. Sigh.

On a brighter note, she is definitely more active now than she's ever been, which is putting my PgAL brain at ease. I'm not sure I'll fully breathe again until our next ultrasound - which is three weeks from Monday, finally! [this appointment has been scheduled for almost six weeks now] - but to feel her actually moving and kicking around in there is a relief. I'm not wanting to reach for my doppler every five seconds to make sure her heart is still beating, which is a nice feeling to have [even though I do still check on her with the doppler a couple of times a week...I'm not sure i'll let that habit go until she's born]. A part of me wants to slow this pregnancy down and enjoy it more, but a part also wants it to be January so that she can be nice and safe in my arms. As I get further along and start to show more, I get more excited...but I also get more anxious. My loss milestone is in less than nine weeks now, and I just know I'll start counting down the days as we get closer.

While i would love to think that I can do everything, I know that I can't - and I have to start acting like that. It's so hard to be a working "single" mom [i put "single" in quotes because i'm definitely still happily married, but with j and i living in two separate states, it falls on me to keep this household running with very little help], to have to put dinner on the table every night, to keep the kitchen cleaned and the clothes washed and JJ nice and happy. I pride myself on keeping it all together, but I do feel myself starting to come apart at the edges. It's becoming a little overwhelming to keep the house together, work together, and myself together for my children...and it kinda puts a damper on things because I want to be able to hold it together. I have to hold it together.

Tonight, I almost lost it with JJ because he got upset over a little thing [it doesn't take much to set off a 4-year-old; tonight's episode came about because his train track set wouldn't link up right]. I had to pull myself away and calm down before I yelled at him, something I don't want to do. That made him upset, and he started crying. Then I started crying. We sat on the floor and cried together for a couple of minutes before I picked us both back up [with some much-needed hugs and kisses] and got him to bed. It wasn't his fault I was upset; I just let things pile up emotionally, and I just hope I don't explode. It sucks to feel overwhelmed.

Sugar, spice and everything nice.

It's a girl!

I've been dying to say that since I found out Baby Sweet Pea was probably a girl at 14 weeks. But, being the paranoid person I am, I wanted to wait until my 18-week anatomy scan to make sure the guess was correct. From the beginning, I thought she was a girl - not just because my first tri was a little different from my boys, but just a feeling I had. I had the same feeling with JJ [I just knew he was a boy, even though I had wanted a girl at first] and Devon [even though I doubted my guess for a little while because first tri was SO hard with him], and now I'm three for three. :)

I'm still a little shocked that Sweet Pea is a girl. After two boys, I was almost sure I'd be destined for another one if we decided to have more children. To feel like she was a girl - and get that confirmation - was just amazing. I may or may not have cried when the tech told me at 14 weeks that baby was a girl; it was so hard to believe at first. All of our family members were surprised but thrilled; it took J awhile to come around to the fact that we are in fact having a girl and not another boy. But I know he will spoil her rotten.

My anatomy scan went well overall, which was a huge relief. I was so apprehensive since I hadn't had any sort of ultrasound in 4 weeks...and even though the doppler has been a source of comfort for me, it still isn't the same as actually seeing her and knowing she's OK. My sister went with me to the scan, which was awesome - I think she was fascinated by seeing the baby.

The baby was super active for awhile, then she got tired of being poked at and curled up in a ball. We didn't get any profile shots like we did with our boys, but the tech was still able to get some shots of her as she was getting all the measurements. She even flipped on the 3D mode and got a couple of pictures of her that way; that was SO COOL. I now want to do a 3D elective scan later on down the road. Seeing her like that was awesome. It took awhile to get all the measurements, but she is measuring on track [a couple of days ahead, even], and has all of her parts and is looking good.

Our only concern is that she has a bright spot on her heart. It is some sort of growth thing [the MFM and other moms-to-be have said what it's called, but I don't remember], and it will hopefully resolve itself in the next few weeks. However, it's a potential soft marker for Downs Syndrome, so that got me for a little bit. But she has no other signs, so we are confident that she is fine; our odds are low that she will have Downs. We're considering more testing, but we'll see what happens. Testing will not change anything; we just want her happy, healthy and in our arms in January. The absolute last thing I want is another late loss or the potential to lose her...we can handle just about anything else, but again, we're all confident she will be fine. Besides that bright spot, she looked fantastic.

It's so hard to believe that we are having a girl, and that I am nearly halfway to my due date. First trimester dragged on FOREVER, but now that school has started and JJ is in school, time is starting to fly. I go back to the MFM for another scan at 28 weeks, which will be the beginning of November - and I'll be in third tri by then. Holy crap. November seems so far away right now, but considering how busy work is about to become, the time will just fly. I will continue to see my regular OB routinely until my next scan, then we make plans for baby!

I'm so grateful that Sweet Pea is looking great, that we are headed towards our rainbow baby. I am still cautious, and still using my doppler every other day or so to check her heartbeat. But I'm starting to feel more movement, and before long, I hope that she's kicking away all the time until she arrives in the new year.

Keep baking and looking great, baby girl. You are so very much loved already.

3D of baby girl and her little arm/hand. :)

Sweet little feet!

School days.

When JJ was born - and the sleepless months after - I always thought, "He is seriously going to stay little forever."

Well, little definitely didn't last forever [unfortunately].

Yesterday was JJ's first day of pre-k. Yes, he's been in daycare most of his life, but going to pre-k is a lot different. Yesterday began what will be more than a decade's worth of schooling [not including college], of sports and PTA and new friends and awesome adventures. Yesterday, I had to face the reality that my baby is growing up a lot quicker than I thought he would.

Can't time just stand still for awhile?

After the overwhelming day that was Devon's angelversary, having to face this big milestone was hard, too. BUT, I only cried for 30 seconds. I totally thought I'd cry all the way to work, but I didn't [even though it was tempting]. My sister spent the previous night with me, so she went with me to drop JJ off...I'm so glad, because I totally would've bawled my eyes out all day if she hadn't. She would've given me hell if I had. :)

JJ seemed a little overwhelmed by his new surroundings and the new people, but he went there last year for awhile, so he remembered his old teacher and went with her to get breakfast after we put his things in his cubby and said our goodbyes. As I watched him walk away, my heart sank - because I truly felt like my little boy was no longer little anymore. From here, I think time will just fly by quicker as I watch him go through elementary, junior high/middle, and high school. Soon enough, he'll be a high school graduate and figuring out what he wants to do.

Geez - look at me. I'm getting waaaaaaay ahead of myself. As a mama, you want your babies to stay little forever; yesterday was confirmation that babies definitely do not stay little forever, and they grow much quicker than you want them to. But I will also enjoy watching him grow, learn, make new friends and become what I hope will be a strong, smart young man.

I know this entry is all over the place, because I personally feel so scattered emotionally. It's already been a long week, and it's not over. But at least I made it through the first day of school with little breakdowns and more smiles than tears. I'm so proud to be that boy's mama, that's for sure.

His teacher for the next year.

Walking to the car with Aunty - ready to go!

The best shot I could get of my Superman before we left.

Putting his bag in his cubby!

Saying my [tearful] good-bye.

Thanks, sissy, for coming with us!

To my sweet boy on his angelversary.

To my sweet, sweet Devon:

Happy Birthday, little man! You would have been a year old today. Well, you are a year old - in heaven, you are. I hope that you're having the most amazing birthday celebration with all of your angel friends. I bet someone made you a giant chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, and all of you are smashing into the cake and enjoying every bite.

I wish I could put into words just how much I miss you, how much I wish you were here, celebrating your birthday with your mommy, daddy, big brother, grandparents, aunties, uncles and other people who love you to pieces. I'm not quite sure I'll ever be able to put into words just how much I miss you, though...I just hope that you know, in your heart, that my hearts loves you and aches for you every single second of every single day. For the rest of my life, I will feel that way.

My hope is that you are up in heaven, being taken care of by your grandfather, your great-grandparents, your great-uncle and the hundreds of people who went before me and your daddy. My hope is that they are the ones putting you to bed at night, reading you bedtime stories, watching you hit all of your first milestones - the things that I wish so badly I could watch, but I can't. I hope they have been taking lots of pictures for me so that, one day, when I see you again, they can hand me a photo album of all the things I missed while you were serving as my guardian angel.

The 7.5 months I had you with me were some of the best months of my life. While I do not - and never will - understand why God decided he needed you more than I did, I'm grateful for every second I had with you. I will fondly remember the times that your brother and I sang "You Are My Sunshine" to you, the time we went to a Broadway musical and you kicked like crazy through the entire show [i hope you still love music!]. I will remember every moment - the good, the bad, and the horribly sad. I will miss you every single day, think of you every single day, wish you were here every single day.

But I do take comfort in knowing that you are safe. You are perfect. You will only know love, and hugs, and kisses, and warmth, and comfort. I imagine that you have the most awesome Christmas celebrations, the best birthday parties, and the most fun play dates. I smile when I envision you playing in heaven, because I know you are experiencing pure joy and happiness. That is all you will ever know, and I am grateful for that.

So today, on your special day, I will cry. A lot. But I will also smile, and sing "Happy Birthday" to you, and blow out a candle on a very special chocolate cupcake. Today, you are a year old. Today is your day. Know that your mommy is celebrating you, and loving you, from so very far away.

I love you, my sweet sunshine.
Mommy