Brighter days.

I'm a little floored by how many people have read my blog since the loss. Yeah, I post updates on FB and update my link on The Bump and The Nest, but I never fully expect people to be that interested in my story to want to read it. The amount of pageviews I've had the last few weeks is cool. Thanks for reading folks.

I feel like I turned a corner after I passed my due date. I woke up yesterday feeling refreshed and not completely overcome with grief. It's like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, that I got through my entire pregnancy relatively unscathed, even if I didn't have Devon in my arms. I felt like it was OK to listen to music in my car and bounce around [my song of choice yesterday was Let Me Clear My Throat  by DJ Kool - i rocked the hell out of that song while driving around town]. I felt like it was OK to go outside and enjoy the fresh air. I felt like I was finally re-focusing on JJ after being in and out with him the last five weeks. I felt like it was OK to start thinking about work again; I even have the outfit picked out that I'm going to wear on my first day back next week. My heart still hurts, but mentally and physically, I felt better today than I have since this whole process started.

I guess it's about time I get used to the notion of going back to work again. Don't get me wrong - I freaking love my job. I love my coworkers and my students. But after being out for almost six weeks, it'll be hard to get back into the swing of things. I've spent most of this time with my mom because I haven't wanted to be alone in Stillwater, but now that work is just around the corner, I'm accepting that it's time to get back to life and my new normal. I've been answering work emails, setting up calendars to start advising, meal planning, and adjusting myself mentally to get ready to go back. I'm so afraid that when I do go back, I'll just break down and not be as far along in my recovery as I thought I was. I will note that I have awesome friends up there that are willing to do anything to make me feel comfortable again, and I'm grateful for that. I'm normally a very independent person, but this time, I don't think independence is the best thing for me.

I'm also ridiculously focused on getting back into shape. I've pretty much shed the baby weight, but I want to get tone and trim again. I have a pair of running shoes in Stillwater calling my name, and I'll either start running during my lunch break or after work. I'm so glad it's fall; the cooler weather will allow me to hit Boomer Lake if I want [although the mosquitoes and threat of west nile virus will probably keep me inside]. I still plan on trying to run a 5K in April, so I gotta get in shape.

So all in all, brighter days are coming. And brighter days are ahead. I look forward to sharing those brighter days with the world after being in my darkest.