Today's my due date.
I had this date circled on calendars and engrained in my brain since that day. Even after losing Devon, the date stuck. Even though I erased it from those calendars [and even replaced one of my calendars that held all my OB appointments in it with a new one], it's still permanently etched into my mind. Maybe one day, I won't remember this exact date but will remember that Devon should've been born at the end of September - but I doubt it. I'm sure this day will stick with me for eternity.
The logical part of me knows that today is just an estimated date. JJ was born two days before his due date due to an induction, and that very well could've happened this time since my blood pressure had already started to spike when I found out Devon was gone at 34w4d. So I know that he could've been here already, been at home with all of us, been keeping me up with late night feedings and cuddles. But instead, I've five weeks out from coming home without him. And the emotional side of me knows this day means a lot more to me than I've admitted since I lost him, and this day reopens all the wounds I've been trying to stitch shut.
I've been dreading this day since I came home from the hospital, but I knew I couldn't just forget this day, a day that had been so significant in my life for almost the entire year. Now that it's here, I'm just a little numb. Today was supposed to be my first day of maternity leave, not the fifth of six weeks of medical leave [i refuse to call it maternity leave, even though it technically is since i had a baby]. A week from today was supposed to be Devon's newborn shoot, not my first day back at work. I've tried so hard not to dwell on these days and the "what should've been" because it won't change what's happened...but on a day like today, I'm sure I will think back on everything and think about what should've been.
Today, I give myself a pass to be as emotional as I want. I try to hide my emotions because I just don't want people either getting tired of me crying every day [today makes 38 straight days of tears, in case anyone was genuinely curious] or overly comforting me. After five weeks, I feel like I should be more put together than I am over this whole situation, but I've been constantly told that I'm rushing the healing, that I need to let myself grieve as long as I need. So right now, I'm grieving by digging into a chocolate chocolate chip bundt cake from Nothing Bundt Cakes and watching SportsCenter - two of my favorite things. I'm sure there will be lots of tears, lots of unspoken questions, and lots of quiet moments for me today...but mostly, I'll try to remember Devon and cherish the 34 weeks that I did have with him. I have his pictures, his cremation box, and the memories to get me through.
All I want Devon to know is that I love him way more than he'll ever know. That one day, I'll see him again - but until then, I find comfort in that he will always be my little angel, watching over me and keeping me safe. That I wish things had been different, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, so I try not to be sad all the time. I know he's in a better place, and I just hope he knows that I love him so much, it hurts. It will always hurt.
1 comment:
Ebony, I don't have the slightest clue to how you are feeling or what it's like to have a child go be with the Lord earlier than you'd like. Through your post I have been able to feel your gut wrenching pain more. I know there is nothing that I or anyone can say that will soothe the hurt or make the pain disappear. Just know that you are in my thoughts and I pray that the God who understands this mighty plan of His (although it makes ZERO sense to us sometimes!), gives you comfort and will bring beauty from these ashes. HUGS!
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