The memories.

The hardest part of all of this is dealing with the memories.

I just went back through all of my blog posts and edited or removed pictures. I seriously considered deleting the posts on my pregnancy, but that would mean I was wiping Devon off the map - and Devon was very much real, very much alive, even if he was born sleeping. I did, however, wipe out all the baby pictures from my Photobucket account, so I removed those pictures from the posts. I also removed all the pictures from my phone and put them in a special folder on my laptop. I still want them, but I don't want to face them every single day.

My sister was kind enough to go to my apartment while I was in my hometown and put up all the baby clothes, blankets and sheets. I hadn't set up an actual nursery for Devon, which I am actually grateful for - I didn't have to break all that down and empty out a room he will never be in. When I went back to my place, I put my maternity clothes in the spare room, too, and moved all my fall/winter clothes into my room where the maternity clothes were. Being back at my place was so hard for the first day. The last time I'd been there, I was pregnant and enjoying feeling him move around. I had washed all his clothes, organized his drawer, started packing his baby bag. Now, that won't happen. I try so hard not to be bitter, but a part of me is bitter. That same part constantly asks, "Why me? What did I do wrong? Why, why, why me?"

My baby shower was supposed to be tomorrow. My due date is two weeks from Monday. I had so many hopes and dreams for Devon, so much to look forward to with two boys in my life. I spent so many days, nights, dreaming of what their lives would be like together. Instead, there will be one day when I open the memory box and explain to JJ [and, God willing, any other kids we have] how he had a little brother, but he was too perfect for Earth. That conversation will possibly be the hardest one I make in my entire life, but I do look forward to sharing Devon with them.

The memories hurt. They make my heart, my soul, my entire body ache. But the memories also put a smile on my face. I remember it all - the pregnancy test, telling J and my family, the first ultrasound, breaking the news to friends and family, feeling him move for the first time, the doctor's appointments, the weight gain, the heartburn, everything. Those positive memories will help me remember Devon in a positive light, even with everything that has happened. I miss him so much, it aches. I want him so bad, it aches. But one day - one day - the memories, the good and bad, will be easier to handle.