One step at a time.

I've always been one to try and plan things out years in advance. Granted, about 98 percent of the things I've planned out haven't happened that way. Examples:

-- thought I was going to OU for most of my high school career; wound up going to OSU [for me, one of the best decisions ever; those who know me know how much I love my alma mater]

-- thought I would be a doctor or a nurse; wound up majoring in public relations and barely use my degree

-- thought I would get my master's, travel the world and not settle down until I was 30; married and a mom by 22 [almost 23]

And, even though I love the life that I have and where it has taken me, I plan things to have control. I'm kind of a control freak and an organizer; when things don't go a certain way, it throws my world off balance. And this...losing Devon...has been the most upside down thing that could ever happen to my world. Ever.

I had plans for him. Plans to raise my boys together. I wanted him to be an astronaut, or a teacher, or an artist. I wanted him to play sports, hang out and adore his big brother, complain when he had to wear his brother's hand-me-downs. J and I were on the fence about having more than two children, so Devon could have been it for us, and I was fine with that. Mentally, I had planned for this to be my last pregnancy, to embrace it. But then, three weeks ago, all of this was ripped away from me. And it turned my whole damn world upside down in ways I had not ever, ever planned to handle.

How do you move on from something like this? How do you recover from losing a child, a child you had so many hopes and dreams for? I try so hard to keep a smile on my face, but on the inside, my heart is broken. And as the milestones tick past - his memorial, the day we received his ashes, my baby shower [which was supposed to be yesterday] - my heart breaks all over again.

I have more milestones to get through - going back to Stillwater on my own, seeing my home OB to get some answers, my due date, going back to work - and I'm trying to plan and brace myself for those moments. But in reality, I know I can't plan for them. I just have to take it one step at a time. I feel lost right now because I'm not used to slowing down and going inch by inch through my day, minute by minute, hour by hour. But right now, until the pain starts to dull just a little bit, I have to take it one step at a time. Doing that will help me heal. Doing that will take the edge off the pain, even though it won't fully go away.

One step at a time.