Back to "normal".

My "first day back at work" outfit. And the smile is genuine, for the first time in a long time.

Today's my fourth day back at work, and surprisingly, it's been OK. I've had my moments of pure sadness, but I've been holding my own pretty well.

Walking back into my office on Monday was so, so weird. The last time I'd walked through those doors for work, I was 34 weeks pregnant and counting the days until maternity leave/my due date. Everything happened over a weekend, so I hadn't been back to work since the day I found out Devon was gone. When I walked through the doors on Monday, I was a completely different person, which was so weird. How could I change so much, have my whole perspective on life, change so much in just six weeks? I never thought it was possible until all this happened.

Since I've been back, things have been crazy. I've had lots of students to see because I started enrollment advising my first day back, which is probably a good thing - staying busy makes the days go by fast and keeps my mind off things. I've had some students ask me if I had a baby or where I was for six weeks, which always makes me freeze for a few seconds and makes my heart hurt. I just tell them that I either had a medical emergency [if they hadn't realized I was pregnant, which is possible because I hadn't seen some students since our last advising round in February] or that I had a medical complication and the baby didn't make it. Sometimes, it's still so hard for me to say "my son didn't make it" or "Devon didn't make it" because it just hurts to actually say that. This sucks.

But honestly, it does feel good to be back on some sort of routine. Getting JJ back into a routine hasn't been as difficult as I thought it would be, even though the first couple of days were a little hard for him [and for me, too]. But now that I've reached this major milestone, I feel like life can go back to a new version of what I used to know. I still cry every day. I still miss Devon. But I think I can now truly say that the days are getting better, that I'm starting to move forward and look forward to things in life again instead of just living in this dark place that I wasn't sure I'd come out of.

It feels so weird to feel like life is starting to come back together again, even though I'm almost seven weeks out from losing him. I know I have to keep moving, but a part of me wonders if I'm moving forward too quickly. Did I grieve for Devon the right way? Did I grieve long enough, hard enough? I hate that I'm so conflicted because I really shouldn't be questioning things like that. I will always grieve for Devon, will always have a part of me that's with him in heaven, but now that life truly is moving forward, it feels so off doing it without him. I even feel different physically - which I'm sure sounds strange, but it's true. I feel a little hollow now, like a piece of me and my family is missing. I think a part of me will always feel that way.

Anyway. Fall is absolutely in the air, which is so awesome. It's supposed to be in the 50s tomorrow and Saturday - woo hoo! I get to wear a sweater and jeans and boots! I've been looking at fall-esque recipes [like taco soup, chili and chicken pot pie] and have been baking more [made Toll House cookies last night that were soooooo good]. And this weekend, we're taking JJ to a Thomas the Train event in OKC after he has gymnastics class; I'm hoping he loves it since he's a big Thomas fan.

I've also been participating in Capture Your Grief, and I'll update in a different post later about that. I have found such strength through other women participating in the event, and I've shed many tears over hearing the stories and seeing the pictures of other women who have had losses. It's heartbreaking and uplifting, all at once.