Capture Your Grief: Days 1-6

I decided that posting every single day for Capture Your Grief probably wouldn't happen for me, so I'm just going to post every few days and play catch-up.

Day One, October 1st: Sunrise

I took this picture bright and early on Monday; it wound up being a beautiful fall day, and the sunrise was so peaceful. It gave me a chance to stand on my balcony for a few minutes on my first day back to my new normal [i went back to work monday] and just think. I thought about everything I'd been through the previous six weeks: the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the hellos and goodbyes, the laughs and the tears. After those few precious moments of reflection, I wiped away a few tears, took a deep breath, blew a kiss to Devon in heaven and got started with my first day back to reality. But in this moment, this sunrise, I thought of Devon and prayed that he will always know how much I love and miss him.

Day Two, October 2: Before Loss Self Portrait

I posted the very last picture of me that I ever took pregnant, which was the day before I found out Devon was gone. I really don't have the strength to post it again, but I posted it in the Capture Your Grief event on Facebook; it took everything I had to post that picture, because it means so much to me. It's the last I have being pregnant, it's the last I took when Devon was alive...just thinking about the strength it took to post that picture is bringing me to tears. That picture will always be one of the most precious pictures I'll ever have. Maybe one day, I'll find the strength to re-post it.

Day Three, October 3: After Loss Self Portrait

I posted this picture, which is the one I posted in my last blog post. It's the picture I took right before leaving for my first day of work on the 1st. The smile is genuine, but it has a little bit of sadness in it, too. I feel like such a different person in this picture; I feel like I've aged at least ten years in the six weeks between my loss and going back to work. A part of me is missing, is always missing, and I think I'll always feel a little hollow inside. But the smile - and the fact that I took this right before going back to work - is proof that I'm still living. I'm still moving forward, still marching on. Even if my baby boy isn't with me in person, he is with me in spirit. And his memory keeps me going.

Day Four, October 4: Most Treasured Items

This is the memory box that Reynolds Army Community Hospital gave me before I was discharged on August 19. It has the only physical mementos of Devon I will ever have: a lock of his hair, pictures of him, his footprint, my hospital bracelets, a card that the staff all signed, his "I'm A Boy" card that was with his bassinet while he was there, a memorial birth certificate that showed his stats [delivered at 5:30am on August 19; 5 lbs., 18.5"], and a heart that the staff had him hold in his pictures. It also has what I consider my most treasured item - the outfit he wore while he was in the hospital. We had him cremated in a special outfit and blanket that we chose, so we got to take this home. This is the only thing my son ever wore, and it's proof that he was here. He was real. I will always, always cherish this.

Day Five, October 5: Memorial

This is the memorial area I have set up in the room that Devon would've eventually shared with JJ. It has everything I've received for Devon from friends and family - teddy bears, books, onesies, cards etc. - along with his memorial box and the blue box that holds Devon's ashes. The picture is one of the few that I have of a pregnant me and JJ; it's one of the few that I have with both my boys.

Day Six, October 6: What Not To Say

Today is a day where I talk about what people have said to me that I wish they hadn't. But you know what? NO ONE has said anything to me that has made me want to punch them in the face. No one's said anything like "Oh, this was meant to happen, God has a better baby for you" or something ridiculously off-the-wall like that. I've had so many supportive people, supportive thoughts, supportive words said to me...the support I've gotten through all of this has been amazing and overwhelming. I'm so grateful for that, because I know not everyone has that.

So there ya have it - my Capture Your Grief updates for the first six days. Another update coming soon. :)