I made pork chops and rice, fixed our plate, then brought them in the room that would've been his. We sat down on the floor and started eating. I'm glad the rice was a hit tonight; I made it in a new pressure cooker I got [and almost lost two fingers in the process due to not getting my fingers away from the steam valve].
It felt so normal, but it wasn't. Because Devon isn't here. The memories of him sit on a dresser, surrounded by burning candles that represent the wave of light going around the world in memory of the angels many of us lost too soon.
It hurts to be sitting on the floor of the room he would've eventually shared with JJ, eating a silent dinner with one of my boys instead of both. It hurts that I'm lighting candles in his memory instead of lighting candles with him in my arms. It hurts that the music playing from the empty bouncer is because JJ turned it on and wanted to dance, not because I put Devon in it to soothe him to sleep.
Today, on this Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I felt all sorts of emotions. Anger. Sorrow. Joy. Pain. Excitement. Sadness. I felt it all as I remembered the 34 weeks and 4 days I had with Devon - the excitement of that positive test, the joy of seeing his heart beating for the first time at 8 weeks and all the other firsts I had while I was pregnant. The sorrow, sadness, pain of finding out he was gone. The anger of wondering why it had to be him. I've remembered it all, and felt it all as if I was going through it all over again.
But as the day winds down, and I have the time to truly think about Devon, I do feel happy. Happy that I had him. Happy that he was mine, if only but for a brief second. Happy that he will always be mine, will always know how much I love him and wish he was here. Happy that I got to hold an angel in my arms, the most beautiful angel I'd ever seen. I truly am happy.
As the candles burn away into the night, let us not forget the angels who were gone too soon. Whether it's a miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss or loss of a child, a loss is a loss, and it still hurts. Even after the candles are blown out that I lit as a part of the Wave of Light, and we all move forward to tomorrow, the memory of all the angels will remain. The impact their precious lives had on us will remain.
So this is for you, sweet Devon. I had you for a second, but your impact will last a lifetime. Until I see you again, my perfect little boy.
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