JJ.
That little boy...he has been my everything. He always has been, but ever since my loss, he has become the center of my world [and then some]. I am so, so blessed to have him, because I would be an even bigger mess if I didn't have him in my life. He is just so innocent, so unaware of what's going on - all he cares about is watching Elmo on my iPhone and playing. I am so thankful for that.
When I get sad and fall into a crying fit, JJ usually says "Mommy's sad" and comes to curl up in my lap. Then he'll do something completely random [like yell or start running in circles] that puts a smile on my face and brings me back to happiness. It's incredible how something so simple as a child's yell can make my world start to feel better again.
I feel like I've been a horrible mother while I've dealt with everything. I've tried so hard to keep things as normal as possible for him, but let's be honest here - for the first few weeks after the loss, it was hard to do that. Once I went back to work and we got back on a routine, things got better, and things really did start to feel like normal again. The first couple of days of us adjusting to the real world again were rough [it broke my heart when he cried during the first two days of drop-offs at daycare], but it got better a lot quicker than I thought. JJ's ability to adjust to just about anything is remarkable; I never give him enough credit for that.
Nowadays, I don't think about what could be. I just think about what was - and how that all left this non-stop ache in the middle of my chest. But with JJ in my life, the ache isn't as bad. I wish I could put into actual words how much this little boy means to me, but I just can't. A mother's love for her child is great as it is, but my love for this little boy goes beyond words. He has seriously been my saving grace; I would be lost without him. I thank God for him every single day.
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| Little man in his Halloween costume. I adore him to pieces. |
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