10.31.2012

My saving grace.

I feel like I'm always stuck in my grief, especially when I blog - and it's because I am. When I blog, what I say is real, and it's raw, and it's what I'm feeling. But through all of this, I haven't really mentioned my one saving grace.

JJ.

That little boy...he has been my everything. He always has been, but ever since my loss, he has become the center of my world [and then some]. I am so, so blessed to have him, because I would be an even bigger mess if I didn't have him in my life. He is just so innocent, so unaware of what's going on - all he cares about is watching Elmo on my iPhone and playing. I am so thankful for that.

When I get sad and fall into a crying fit, JJ usually says "Mommy's sad" and comes to curl up in my lap. Then he'll do something completely random [like yell or start running in circles] that puts a smile on my face and brings me back to happiness. It's incredible how something so simple as a child's yell can make my world start to feel better again.

I feel like I've been a horrible mother while I've dealt with everything. I've tried so hard to keep things as normal as possible for him, but let's be honest here - for the first few weeks after the loss, it was hard to do that. Once I went back to work and we got back on a routine, things got better, and things really did start to feel like normal again. The first couple of days of us adjusting to the real world again were rough [it broke my heart when he cried during the first two days of drop-offs at daycare], but it got better a lot quicker than I thought. JJ's ability to adjust to just about anything is remarkable; I never give him enough credit for that.

Nowadays, I don't think about what could be. I just think about what was - and how that all left this non-stop ache in the middle of my chest. But with JJ in my life, the ache isn't as bad. I wish I could put into actual words how much this little boy means to me, but I just can't. A mother's love for her child is great as it is, but my love for this little boy goes beyond words. He has seriously been my saving grace; I would be lost without him. I thank God for him every single day.

Little man in his Halloween costume. I adore him to pieces.

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