But over the last couple of weeks, things have started to get better. I've started to see the light again. I have a lot of different factors to thank for that:
1. My sister and her boyfriend. They forced me to go salsa dancing a couple of weeks ago, and I loved it. They were right in that you forget everything when you hit the dance floor; it was so awesome to be spun around the floor for two hours and be carefree.
2. My best friend. She always, always checks on me at least once a week to be sure I'm OK. The woman is nearly 8 months pregnant and still checks on me. She's amazing.
3. JJ. He has kept me so busy and has been so loving. And, he's been crashing out early because this time change has been a little hard on him - he fell asleep at 8 tonight. Last night, he was out at 7:45. I kinda hate that he goes to bed so early now because I want that time with my baby boy...but he's also a growing boy and needs his rest! So now, I get to watch him sleep, just like I did when he was itty bitty.
4. The elections. For the last week, I've been stalking the polls, educating myself on the state questions, and following election news in general. I also watched all the debates for the first time ever. This is the first election cycle I really got into it, which kept me busy and interested. Now that it's over though, I'm not sorry to see it go - the political ads were getting OLD. And I don't even live in a swing state - they called Oklahoma in Romney's favor before the polls even closed last night.
5. Sports. We all know how much I love sports, but I kinda put it aside as I dealt with my grief. Lately, though, I've been getting back into it. I went to my first OSU football game a couple of weekends ago, I'm getting immersed in NBA [i'm so glad it's back!] and college basketball, and I'm kicking ass in fantasy football. Well, I'm kicking ass in one league [the league that I'm the only girl in and am playing with my sister's boyfriend and a bunch of his friends/family - currently tied for 3rd, holla!]; in the other, I'm getting my ass kicked. But it's still fun, and it feels good to have a genuine interest in sports again. The World Series kinda helped, too - Go Giants!
6. The holidays. We made it through Halloween [it was a little rough for me, but it was nice to see JJ genuinely interested in trick-or-treating...i think he now gets the concept of going around and asking for candy], and I'm really excited for Thanksgiving, JJ's birthday and Christmas. I have things I'm going to make for Thanksgiving, most of JJ's stuff for his birthday has already been purchased, and I'm stalking Pinterest to get ideas for Christmas decorations and homemade gifts. I want to make this year special for JJ and remember Devon at the same time, and I'm determined to do it.
When I look back at how I was back in August, how broken I was, I can't believe that I'm the same person that's still standing today. It's incredible how much things have changed for me, how normal I feel again. Now, don't get me wrong. I miss Devon every single second, and I still cry quite a bit. I still grieve. I'm still hurting. But I feel like he'd want me to keep going in his memory, and I'm trying to do that.
I've been told that if I met someone who had never seen me before, they would have no clue that I was pregnant, no clue that I lost my baby, no clue that my life has been in emotional turmoil for the last 12 weeks. I'm flattered by that, because it means that I've held my own to the outside world. I've always put on a brave face [for the most part; i have been in situations where i've cracked], but now I feel like the brave face is starting to make the brave woman on the inside that's emerging from my grief as a stronger woman. I know a part of me will never move on. A part of me will always be stuck in that hospital room back on a quiet August night, finding out the worst news of my entire life. But a bigger part of me is moving on in Devon's memory, living for him and because of him. It feels good to [almost] be back.
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