It's a funny thing, grief.

In my last entry, I was feeling great. I was doing good, starting to feel back to normal...

And then I hit this wall.

I don't even know where the wall came from, but it definitely came out of nowhere, and I ran into it head on. Maybe it's the upcoming holiday season. Maybe it's because this past Monday make three months - a whole 1/4 of a year - since Devon was born sleeping. Maybe it's because the holiday season is in full swing, and I spent so much of the year preparing for this season with two boys that to only have one just hurts. Maybe it's because JJ's birthday is in less than two weeks, and I was supposed to have two boys at his party instead of one. I don't know. All I know is, I've been ridiculously emotional and sad for days now. I mean, it's getting better, but I'm still sad. Really sad.

I knew this would happen, me hitting this wall and feeling like I'll never recover. It's happened before - my due date being a prime example - but at that point, I was six weeks out from losing Devon. I knew that day would be hard. What I wasn't expecting was to one day wake up and be just as sad as I was when all of this started. My mind keeps going back to those last two days before losing him, and the days immediately after that. I hate that my mind went there and continues to go there, because that's the quickest way to make me cry. I know that I shouldn't block it out, because that's when grief gets bottled up and just explodes. But still. I'd rather not dwell on the worst days of my life, even though doing so allows me to heal and get better.

Sometimes, I feel like the rest of the world has moved on, and I'm still stuck. I'm not rushing my healing or anything like that, but it sucks to look around and to see life going on around me - which makes me realize that life really has moved on for everyone else. It's supposed to move on. I couldn't expect people to still fully remember what happened three months later. But then I become a little bitter, because that means the world is forgetting Devon. I'm not forgetting him ever, but the rest of the world is - which is only natural, I know. But I hate that he will only be a memory, an afterthought, because he's no longer here. I hate that all of the things I have of his fits into one box. I hate that I will never know the color of his eyes, hear his laugh, see him smile.

But then, I look at JJ, and I realize how blessed I am. I will always be Devon's mama, but I do have his big brother here who is the light of my world. And we do plan to try again - hopefully, we will be adding to our family over the next few years, and they will all know about their brother. But for now, I will be sad. I will miss every fiber of that perfect little boy. The pain has lessened, but the scars of losing him still remain - will always remain. And some days, hell - some weeks, the pain will come back and hit me like a ton of bricks. But eventually, I'll find the strength to smile and keep going.

It's a funny thing, grief. Just when you think you have it under control...you don't.