Making it through the holidays.

I'm an idiot.

I thought that I would make it through the holidays in one piece. I knew I would cry but figured I'd just have one cry and get through it. What I didn't prepare for was a whole bunch of "I'm having a baby!" announcements during the holiday weekend from friends and family. That made things even worse on my end. Add to it that I finally made myself drop by the funeral home to pick up Devon's certificates of stillbirth, and I was a mess for a bit. Those certificates put a finality to this whole situation - like, that's it. He's really gone. We have the "official" documents proving it. Ugh.

Now, don't get me wrong - I'm so thrilled for the new moms-to-be. It's always great to welcome a new life into the world. But it just makes the kick to the gut a little harder, reality a little more harsh to deal with, when you get to see their joy while you're still grieving. I feel like I'm going to be grieving - and by grieving, I mean crying every day and wallowing silently in my own misery, not just having this little ache in my heart - for the rest of my life.

Lately, I've been putting pressure on myself to be OK. To make it appear that I'm doing better, even on the days when I just want to curl up in a ball and shut the world out. No one wants to see that, three months later, I'm still having a hard time getting through the day, still miss Devon like I just lost him yesterday - and the holidays are making it even harder for me. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't think it'd be this hard.

I do have lots to look forward to though. J will be here Sunday for two weeks, and I have three of my aunts on my mom's side [one from Hawaii!] coming to visit within the next week. We'll spend next weekend at Great Wolf Lodge celebrating JJ's 4th birthday. How in the world did we get to 4 years old so quickly? I feel like he was a newborn just a couple of days ago. Wow.

I am determined to make next week all about JJ. Make it as happy and fun for him as I can. It's hard not to dwell on what could've been, but I can't be sad on his birthday. His birthday is a joyful day - it's the day I became a mommy, the day my life changed for the better. We got him a bike and a Thomas remote-controlled train, along with a couple of other gifts, and I'll be making him some chocolate cupcakes to celebrate [let's hope he eats them; he's picky about his cake]. I just hope the day is as special for him as it will always be for me.

Anyway. I barely made it through Thanksgiving, but I did. Now, on to JJ's birthday and Christmas - then maybe, just maybe, the tears will start to fade.