My Devon bear.

A few weeks after losing Devon, a good friend of mine sent me a text to check on me and ask if I'd heard of Molly Bears. This non-profit organization makes weighted teddy bears in remembrance of the little ones who became angels too soon. On the 30th of each month, you can go on their website to sign up for a weighted bear that's personalized just for you. I heard about it at the beginning of October and knew I wanted to sign up for a bear.

When I first heard of them, their waitlist was in the 2000s, so I knew it would be ages before I got my bear. But then, they did a holiday drive where a $100 donation would guarantee you a bear before Christmas. I made a donation in Devon's memory for the holidays, and I got on the list. Then, I waited for weeks until my bear was made. For a little bit, I was afraid I wouldn't get it, but I waited.

A week or so ago, I got notification the bear had shipped. I nearly hyperventilated at work when I got the email.

Last week, the bear arrived.

I waited to open the box. I knew that once I opened that box, I would be looking at a bear that weighed as much as Devon did when he was born sleeping. I wasn't sure what the bear would look like or what special embellishments he would have, which made me even more anxious to see him. But knowing that box was here, that the only reason why that box was here was because I had an angel, made me apprehensive. So I waited.

I finally opened the box last night after getting back from a family vacation. I promptly bawled my eyes out.

The first thing I thought was that the bear was hefty. Not sure if it's because I'm not used to teddy bears weighing anything, or if's because I forgot how much five pounds weighed, but I was surprised at how heavy the bear was. Which made me cry even harder, because that's how heavy Devon was. He wasn't just a tiny little thing. He was 34 weeks, 5 pounds, 18.5 inches. He was a baby - my baby.

I stood in my kitchen for a good 10 minutes and just cried. The bear was absolutely perfect, and he had monkey and sun buttons. I had put in the embellishment part of the bear request that I used to call him Little Monkey [even had monkeys on his going home outfit] and sing You Are My Sunshine to him. To see those particular buttons on the bear, and know what they meant, made me cry even harder.

While it hurts my soul to have that bear in my possession, it also brings me a sense of comfort. I will always have my bear, always be able to hold him and remember Devon. He will be a symbol of Devon  as well; I plan to incorporate him into family pictures as often as possible. It's amazing what kind of resources and support are out there for loss mommies like me, but this is by far one of the most incredible gestures ever. I plan to make some sort of donation every year to the organization in honor of our sweet boy.

So, thank you, Molly Bears, for giving me a precious reminder of my angel. What you guys do is just...beyond words.

My sweet Devon bear. So, so precious.