12.22.2012

Stepping back.

I know it's hard to believe, but there was a time before technology totally took over the world. There was a time before Facebook, Twitter, blogging, text messaging and YouTube. There was a time when people called landlines instead of cell phones, sent thank you notes instead of thank you emails, met face to face instead of through Skype or FaceTime.

I think it's time that I step back to that time. Well, sorta.

Ever since losing Devon, I've had a lot of ups and downs. Lately though, I've had more downs. I think it's the holidays mixed with all the new babies and pregnancies I seem to be surrounded by that have just thrown me for a loop. I am surrounded by constant reminders that others are getting their happy endings - and deserve to get them - and I didn't get mine. I am surrounded by constant reminders of what should be, but instead I live in my current reality of grief and loss, and it sucks. It's gonna suck for awhile, too. I know it is.

So that's why I have to take a step back. The beauty of social media is that it's so easy to keep up with those I care about since most of them are on Facebook or Twitter or a blog. But the pain of social media is that I also get to watch their lives unfold and watch them be happy while, on the inside, I'm still heartbroken. I am so, so grateful that I do have JJ, because he is my little blessing - but at the same time, I am still very much grieving the loss of Devon, and I think I will be for awhile. Even after the holidays pass and 2013 begins, I will still be grieving. And to get wrapped up in what others are doing in their lives, how others' lives are going [whether good or bad], is just not a good thing for me. At all. I'm always checking Facebook and Twitter, always wondering what people are doing when I need to be focusing on me and mine.

I have to step back. I have to focus on me, on my family, on healing. So I deleted the Facebook app from my iPhone today, and I'm considering deactivating my account through the end of the year. I'll still keep Twitter because I use that as an outlet, and I'll keep my blog up and running for the same reason. Honestly, I think people follow me on Twitter to see what kind of random ish I say throughout the day, and I think people read my blog because they're following my life, very curious or just nosy. But that's fine - I'm fine with that. I want people to know my story, especially as I'm dealing with something that not a lot of people have experienced or dealt with on their own.

While 2012 has sucked, it hasn't been the worst. I can think of lots of situations that could make my life worse than it is, even though having to lose a baby is just about as far down the ladder as I ever want to be. But for now, I have to focus on me and not be so damn wrapped up in everything else. So for now, it's so long to Facebook [and possibly Twitter, although that much social media withdrawal at one time could be detrimental to my health, which is ridiculous and somewhat true]. I hope to update this blog more, to start some random projects I've been putting off, and to - most importantly - spend more time detached from my phone and focusing on me and my family. JJ isn't getting any younger, and I have admittedly spent more time on my phone and random apps than I should. Time to cut it all off and spend the last days of 2012 slowing down, timing out and enjoying what I have. Even with everything that has happened, I am still immensely blessed. It's time I actually show it.

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