I can't say that this year has been the worst year of my life because [lord willing] I have many more years ahead of me and have no clue what the future holds. But in the 26 years I've had on this planet, this year has definitely been the hardest. I don't even recognize the person I am now - I feel like I've aged at least 10 years since January 1, 2012.
This year had so much promise. A new baby, making it through our first deployment, another year at a job I love, another year getting to watch JJ grow...but instead, this year was just full of hardship. J's deployment was tough, we had issues with JJ that put us through hours of testing [and some issues with JJ's old daycare], and a tough pregnancy wound up with us losing our precious boy. Work was probably the only constant in my life that didn't have any issues [because my office is awesome].
The last four months have really tried me. They've tried my faith and my strength most of all; there have been countless days where I just wanted to sit in a dark room and cry. I still cry multiple days of the week, and it might always be that way. I've said it before, but I never thought this would happen to me. I never thought I would have to plan a funeral for my baby, that I wouldn't get to bring my baby home. That thought just never crossed my mind - and why should it? The pain that I've dealt with the last four months is pain that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
But even though this entire year has been overshadowed by losing Devon, there were some bright moments. I will always be grateful for the 7.5 months I had with Devon, that I got to hold him and say good bye, that he hopefully got to feel the love that I had [and will always have] for him. I am proud to be his mommy, proud that I was blessed to have him in my life. I have faith that he is still a part of me, that I will one day get to raise him and have him back in my life, and that he will always know that my love for him is - and always will be - unconditional.
I made my first trip to Connecticut to visit my college roommate, and I got to see NYC for the first time. That was the best trip EVER, and I can't wait to go back and see her again. I also got to make several trips to Great Wolf Lodge, which is always a fun place to go. It's great that there's a family-friendly place nearby that we can take JJ to and have a good time. J and I both got new cars this year, too; we're lucky to be in the financial position to be able to do that [especially since replacing J's car was not in the cards until he got into an accident].
Most importantly, I got to spend time with my family. J and I made it through his first deployment relatively unscathed, which I am absolutely thankful for. There were moments when I was genuinely scared, but he held strong and came home. I also got to spend another year with my sweet JJ, got to see him grow by leaps and bounds, even though he faced some challenges. He is now in the best environment I could ask for, in a school program that has done wonders for him. He's so smart, so creative, and it's so fun to watch [even though he can be a handful]. My entire family still has their health, my dad is still holding strong in Afghanistan [but hopefully will be home for good in 2013], and our family got bigger with the addition of a future brother-in-law. My sister got engaged yesterday! They hope to marry in summer 2014, and I'm thrilled for them.
As this year winds down, I've resolved not to make any new year's resolutions for 2013. I just want to do the following:
1. Live life to the fullest. If Devon's loss taught me anything, it's that life can be entirely too short. I have to make the most of the moments that I have.
2. Get healthy. I'm signed up for the OKC Memorial 5K in April, and I'm going to run it this year damn it. I'm going to test run a workout lunch program so that I can get my Couch to 5K in during the week without cutting into JJ time, and I have a couple of at-home workouts that I'm going to start. Time to get my lazy ass in gear.
3. Enjoy what I have. I'm trying to downsize and not be so materialistic. We want to get in a better financial place in 2013, and to do that, we have to downsize and save. So I need to start enjoying what I have and become more frugal.
4. Continue to grow as a woman, wife and mother. I have my moments of selfishness, and my moments when I give entirely too much and don't take time for me. I need to find a balance between my responsibilities as a wife and mother, as well as taking the time to grow as a woman.
5. Figure out my life. There are several things hanging in the balance right now, and I want 2013 to be about bringing all of the loose strings in my life together. Grad school, J's military career, trying to add to our family again, JJ's schooling [he'll start pre-k in august!]...all of those things are big moves for us. I hope to figure that all out and to move forward as best we can.
At this point, I can admit that I'm still a little lost, and probably a little depressed. It's been tough to move forward, tough to find the good in life, tough to keep my faith. But I will say that the only way I can go from here is up - and I'm determined to go up. I'm determined to bounce back, to make 2013 as best a year as I can. The year has the potential to be a great one for my family, and I just pray that it will be.
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