Fear.

I've always been a hypochondriac. It's ridiculous the amount of stuff I convinced myself would happen to me. I remember seeing a documentary about scoliosis when I was about 10, and I was convinced I would develop that, too. I checked my spine every day for weeks to be sure it was still straight. Every time I had a stomach ache, I pressed on my stomach to be sure I didn't have a ruptured appendix. The fact that I made it through my life thus far without having daily panic attacks is a miracle. I was so weird growing up - I feared everything.

But now, I think my fears are even bigger. And that sucks, because I thought I was past this.

I fear that I won't be able to get pregnant again. My cycles are so jacked up right now - and I've always been regular - that I just don't know if they'll ever straighten out and if I'll ever be able to have more children. While I always say that having JJ is good enough for me, after losing Devon, the desire to have more kids increased even more. I was obsessed with it while J was visiting in December, and I think my body's still trying to balance out from all of the stress I put myself under during that time. But I always have those "What if" questions - what if we can't? What if something happened while having Devon and I just can't have any more kids? I'm almost 27, so the biological clock is starting to scream at me...I don't think it would be if Devon was our Earth baby and not our angel baby. No, I KNOW it wouldn't be screaming at me.

I fear that JJ will be taken from me, too. Car accident, fall at daycare, some sort of medical condition that will take him from us suddenly - I have literally thought of every scenario that results in me losing him. When we got in our fender bender a few weeks ago, my heart literally stopped until I knew he was OK [he was sitting in the middle of the back seat, and the damage was minor, but still]. I've spent so many nights awake until 2am, just watching him sleep, hearing him breathe. It's almost like he's a newborn again, when I used to get up multiple times a night to be sure he was still breathing.

I fear that I will have some sort of ridiculous breakdown and just fall into oblivion. I've had so many breakdowns since losing Devon that it's not even funny; the fact that I still produce tears is, in my mind, a miracle. But I fear that something will set me off, that I will freak out and just fall into a mental hole for a few days. I've been careful about watching myself mentally and turning to therapy or my doctor if I ever need it, but I just fear that I'll fall too deep and not realize it. I know it's stupid, but it's true.

I have other fears, but those are my three biggest right now. I hate that these fears are a part of my life now, because I wouldn't have these if I hadn't lost Devon. I try so hard to not live in the past anymore, to not dwell and let the negative affect me, but I really can't fight it off some days. I've had a little bit of a setback since we hit the five-month mark, spent more time crying and spending time alone with my Molly Bear, trying to figure out my life and what I want from it. It's probably because of the whole "this time last year, I was pregnant," but I also think it's because so much is going to happen soon. JJ will be in school, my sister's getting married, J is working towards another promotion, my dad will be home [hopefully for good] soon from Afghanistan...and I'll do all of this without both of my boys. It's still a struggle to live in reality when things were supposed to be so different.

While I'm trying to fight it off, fear is still a very big part of my life. I hope, one day, the fears won't be as bad, or that they'll disappear all together. That would be awesome.