Small steps.

As I've moved forward after losing Devon, I've made myself take small steps towards recovery instead of trying to do too much at once. I can always tell when I'm doing too much and moving too fast, because my anxiety shoots through the roof. Then I get headaches and get all paranoid...it's easy to tell when my body isn't ready to do things, because I just start to shut down. Because of that, I've been very aware of myself and have taken small steps back into the real world.

The step I took yesterday was a small step to the outside world, but it was a very big step for me. My best friend had a baby back in December, and I haven't seen her since her son was born. Before that, I hadn't seen her since Devon's memorial. I finally felt ready to meet her son - who also happens to be my godson - and went over there yesterday to see her.

I thought I would have an anxiety attack as I was driving over there, but I felt strangely calm. It's almost like I felt Devon with me, telling me that it was OK, that I could do it. I have been very anti-baby and anti-pregnancy since losing him, and I've shut myself away from all of that [as i've mentioned before in previous posts]. But meeting my best friend's son was something I wanted to do, something I needed to do. So I drove over there with a box of pizza, sanitized before I went inside, and got my first glimpse of that adorable little baby.

He is just too cute - and has so much hair! He wasn't exactly a happy camper while I was there, but it was still good to see my best friend and to meet him for the first time. I didn't cry or feel overwhelmed - two things I was totally convinced would happen. I did have my pangs of hurt while he was crying or squabbling for his pacifier, but the all-consuming sadness I was bracing for just wasn't there. I was relieved.

I did have a good cry after I left her house and drove back home, but it was a cleansing cry. One of those "God, I miss you so much that it hurts, but I'll be OK" kind of cries. I wasn't sure if I would ever get to the point to where I would want to be around babies [even my own best friend's baby], but it did feel good to be around her and be around him. It still hurts to know that I won't have those moments with Devon, that I will never hear him cry or give him a pacifier or hold him again...but in the meantime, I have my own big kiddo to spoil and love and cherish, and I have a new godchild to spoil as well.

Everything in my life right now is about small steps. It was a small step to show my face in the world again, small step to go back to work, small step to get through each major holiday and milestone. While, in my heart, the step to meet my adorable godson was huge, it was just another one of those small steps towards moving forward. I'm so glad I took that step.