Five months.

Five months. Has it really been five months?

It's hard to put in to words how each milestone feels. On one hand, I'm in such a better place mentally and physically that the milestones get easier. On the other hand, each month that passes is another month without Devon, another month closer to hitting that one-year mark that I'm dreading so much.

I've spent the entire day reliving that fateful weekend. Maybe one day, I'll be able to put his birth story into words. I mean, I have already - it's in my personal journal. But I haven't put it out there for the world to read because that weekend is still way too emotional for me, even if it doesn't seem so on the outside anymore. I make myself relive that weekend often because I don't ever want to forget. I have this weird thing where I'm afraid I'll forget the time I had with Devon, forget the few minutes I had to hold my angel and talk to him. I know it might be cruel to make myself remember so often, but that's all I have of him [besides his memory box]. That's all I've got.

I am constantly amazed at how much progress I've made. When I found out he was gone, I thought I would never be the same again. I thought my world would just end, that I would just be here as a shadow of a person. But it feels good to say that I'm not. I'm back on the exercise bandwagon [down 7 pounds, but running is kicking my butt pretty good right now], back to enjoying life again, back to being the mother that JJ deserves. But I do still have my moments of utter sorrow - the moments when I shut myself in a room, hold Devon's pictures and just sob until I can't sob anymore. While those moments don't happen on a regular basis anymore, they do still happen often - and that's OK. I'm OK with that. The pain of losing a child will never go away, but at least it's not all-consuming anymore.

I try not to think about the "what was I doing at this time last year" stuff, because it hurts. This time last year, I'd just found out I was pregnant with Devon and hadn't told anyone [well, but J, my sister and my best friend] yet. This time last year, my world was amazing. As I continue to go through this year, I know it will be a struggle to not think about what I was doing during this time last year, because things are so different now. I know that if I let myself drown in what 2012 was all about [both the utter joy and sheer pain], it will set me back. So I just keep living. Just keep going. Just keep getting stronger by focusing on now and holding the memory of my sweet boy in my heart.

God. This entry makes no sense. I'm just rambling now, so I'll wrap it up. I will, once again, say that I am so grateful for the friends and family that have been so supportive over the last five months. Your love and kind words have made my healing process easier, have made it OK for me to keep moving forward when I just want to hide for the rest of my life. I still very much appreciate those who check in on me, those who still pray for me, and those who have been a shoulder to lean/cry on when I've had the tough days. Without you all, the last five months would have been way more difficult.