Struggle.

I know that most people expect for me to have moved forward by this point. In 10 days, it will be 8 months since Devon was born sleeping, and it's still a struggle for me to move forward. I wish that I could just move forward and find peace with all of this, but I honestly haven't really found peace yet.

I miss my son. Every single day, I miss him. And lately, I've taken a big step back and just can't get over how unfair it is that I'm the one that had to lose a baby. I know there are others in my shoes, but I know maybe one or two people personally that have been in my shoes. No one else gets it. Not even J - who has already moved forward and accepted what has happened - gets it.

Add to the fact that all of these pregnancies are coming out of the woodwork - I probably know about 10-12 women who are expecting this year - and my heart just aches. I want nothing to do with babies or pregnancy or any of that, because it sucks. I really don't even check in to the Loss board on The Bump anymore because some of those women are moving on and are pregnant with their rainbows, and I'm not. Hell, I don't even know if I want any more children. Another loss would seriously break me; I'm just about at the breaking point right now.

I hate that I have no one to talk to who gets it. I feel like most people don't want to hear about my bad days anymore, so I don't talk about it. I talk about it in my personal journal and, on occasion, in this blog [like i'm doing now] or to friends who ask how I'm truly doing. I blog so that people can choose to read about it; I'm not burdening people or forcing people to be a part of this crazy cycle of emotions that I'm going through right now. I'm letting it out there and letting the chips fall where they may without having anyone get truly wrapped up in all this if they don't want to.

I guess the point of this post is that, while I do have my good days, the closer we get to one year, the harder the days become. I almost feel like I'm back in those early days, when I was swimming in grief and didn't know how to get out of it. I pray all the time that I can find peace and comfort, but that's easier said than done when you're trying to move forward from losing someone so precious as a child. I wish I could move on, wish I could be happy every day and be OK with what has happened...but right now, I'm just not. I have taken the steps to start counseling again, so I'm hoping that will help. I hope that, one day soon, the struggle won't be as hard as it has been. I just have to make it for a few more months until I hit that one-year angelversary. Maybe, just maybe, the struggle won't be so hard after I get through the first year. It will always hurt, but I pray it won't always hurt this much. I'm not sure I can take another year of this pain.