Rainbow.

Chances are, after a pretty bad storm, you've seen a rainbow - that big, multi-colored, awesome arc that stretches across the sky and makes you believe that, no matter how bad the storm was, you'll be OK. Rainbows always make me smile, because it's not like they show up all the time - the elements have to mix just right to form one. But when they do mix, it's beautiful.

That logic definitely applies to being pregnant again after losing a baby. Come January 26, 2014, we hope to expand our family with a beautiful, awesome rainbow baby.

J and I found out on May 17th - nine months to the day that we found out Devon was gone, and the same day I finished counseling sessions - that we were expecting again. I took a test, got a faint positive, and rode out the weekend without saying anything. I retested on May 19th - again, nine months to the day that Devon was born sleeping - and got a big, fat positive. There was no mistaking it. After a bleeding scare, trip to the ER and two ultrasounds, we have a growing baby with a strong heartbeat and such promise. I'm almost 8.5 weeks.

It has been such an emotional rollercoaster the last month. I knew that being PgAL [pregnant after a loss] would be hard, but holy cow. I was never this worried with JJ or Devon, ever. Every twitch, every lack of symptom, every cramp has put me on edge. I had a follow-up ultrasound last week, and I literally did not breathe until my OB told me that things looked great. Every single day, I fear that this baby will not make it. Even though I really try to stay positive, and I try to remain hopeful, it's so hard when you know just how bad things can go with a pregnancy.

This pregnancy has been worlds different from my last two. Nausea has gotten pretty bad [started getting sick around 4.5 weeks], to the point to where I requested stronger medicine than what I had. The nausea's actually tapered off the last couple of days, though. Of course, that makes me nervous because it's not what I'm used to dealing with - I was sick with both boys until well into my second trimester, with little relief. I do have a growing bump, but I don't feel bloated like I did the last time. It does take a lot for me to eat; nothing sounds all that great nowadays, and soda makes me want to puke [which is a good thing, since i don't need the sugar anyway]. Sleep has been hit and miss, which hasn't been all that fun to deal with, but I'll get used to it. I'm trying hard not to compare this pregnancy to my others, to not chalk up my varying symptoms as being a bad thing. But, lemme tell ya - PgAL brain is hard to deal with. It's almost like I expect things to go wrong, even though I'm really calm on the inside about things.

I know that most people don't make a pregnancy announcement until end of first trimester, but after you lose a baby at 34 weeks, a lot of things change. Should we lose this baby, I plan to talk about it anyway - so why wait to make an announcement? I've turned to this blog to get my feelings out, to share my story about losing my son; I also want to turn to this blog to share all the ups and downs that come along with being pregnant again after such a terrible loss. So, last night, J and I came out on FB and, in a roundabout way, told the world that we're pregnant. It was bittersweet for us, because while we are very excited, we are also very cautious. We had a LONG discussion on when we should say something, how we should say it...those are things we wouldn't have thought of before losing Devon. Your whole world changes when you lose a baby and then get pregnant again.

For now, though, we are loving on Baby Sweet Pea and hopeful that, at my next appointment on July 9, we will still have a growing baby that we will get to meet in January. I am considered high risk, so I will be monitored by two doctors and will have lots of ultrasounds and stress tests to make sure my placenta is OK and the baby is fine. It will be nerve-wracking, and it will be emotional. But, with the support of my family and friends, we can make it through this. We are very, very hopeful that we will ring in 2014 with a new addition.

I have to, once again, thank everyone who has been so supportive of me as I've grieved Devon's loss. A lot of those same people have been very supportive as we've started this journey towards our rainbow baby, and that means the world. I wouldn't have made it without you all.