Sigh of relief.

Pregnancy is never easy [unless you're one of those lucky women who only gains 15 pounds, never gets sick or battles acne, and loses the baby weight within weeks of giving birth]. Me + pregnancy has always equaled ROUGH, and even though this is my third - and I should be used to rough by now - I totally wasn't prepared.

Nausea hit at 4.5 weeks. Then I wound up in the ER with a bleed at 6 weeks - a bleed that continued to get worse until, at 11 weeks, my OB put me on bed rest to give it the chance to heal. I spent almost two weeks off my feet, went back to work [but pretty much sat at my desk, only getting up to greet families, get lunch and pee], then was sent to my new maternal-fetal medicine doctor to check things out.

The three weeks between appointments was so hard. I spotted for almost a month straight and wasn't sure what was going on, how Baby Sweet Pea was doing, or if things were looking good. I managed to make it to yesterday's appointment without totally losing my mind, but the nerves were obvious when I got there. I was shaking, my blood pressure was high, and I almost started crying the second I stepped into the ultrasound room. I wasn't sure what to expect...part of me prepared for good news, but part of me prepared for awful news.

Thank the stars, we got good news.

The tech immediately found a kicking Baby Sweet Pea with a strong heartbeat of 152 - one I got to hear for the first time yesterday. Considering the last time someone tried to find a heartbeat and let me listen, it was in the maternity ward when we lost Devon, being able to hear my baby's beating heart was so emotional. I broke down and started bawling as the tech continued, showing me all the growing parts of the baby and taking measurements. Long story short, I'm right on track, there isn't any evidence of a bleed [holy moly! that's amazing news!], and while there are a couple of potential trouble spots that need to be watched, I was told that things look really good.

It was amazing to see how big Baby Sweet Pea had gotten since my last ultrasound at 11 weeks. It was amazing to hear his/her heartbeat, to see him/her kicking around, to know that he/she is measuring on track and that the bleed is pretty much gone. I couldn't have asked for a better appointment yesterday; I just feel so incredibly lucky and blessed and relieved. At the same time, though, my PgAL brain just will not settle and is still on edge. I'm not sure I will fully relax until this baby get s to come home with us, and I'm thinking about getting a doppler to check the heartbeat in between appointments. As I get bigger and start to feel kicks, I start to enjoy the pregnancy more...but I'm still just so scared.

For now, though, I'm pregnant, I have a healthy baby, and I don't have a bleed. And, I'm now in second trimester, the nausea is fading [but it's being replaced by acid reflux, fun], and my energy is coming back. I am on Cloud Nine.

[also, we think we know what we're having, but i'm keeping my mouth shut until my anatomy scan in four weeks to get confirmation. how about that for a teaser?!]

Hi, my Baby Sweet Pea!