Eleven.

Eleven months. It's been eleven.whole.months since Devon was born sleeping.

Seriously?

When I came home from the hospital empty-handed and broken-hearted on that fateful August day, I knew my life was never going to be the same. I also figured that my life would, at some point, just stop. Even though I had an adorable son at home, and a loving husband, and friends/family that cared about me, I wasn't quite sure how I was supposed to keep going when I was going to have to bury my baby boy. I wasn't quite sure how I was supposed to bounce back from something like that.

Eleven months later, I still find it hard to believe that I'm still here, still standing, and living my life. I laugh on a daily basis now. Thanks to counseling, I've been able to find the happy side of life again and embrace it. I can talk about pregnancy and babies [not just because i'm pregnant again]. I can actually hold babies. These are all things that, last year, I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to do again. Everything seems so bleak when your world crashes around you and you have to dig your way out again.

As we get closer and closer to the one-year mark, I find myself thinking about the 48-hour span that changed my life. I know it's probably self-imposed torture to rehash things over and over again, but I do it because those 48 hours were the last hours I had with Devon. Even though he was already sleeping at that point, I still had that time with him, and it's precious time I'll always remember and cherish. That time will help get me through the rest of my life until I get to see him again.

It still hurts. I think it hurts more and more as we get closer to August 19 because reality sets in: I've spent more of my life without Devon than with him. I've live almost an entire YEAR of my life without my baby. I should be preparing for his 1st birthday, watching him hit all those important milestones that babies hit, posting random pictures of him and JJ interacting on Instagram and Facebook...not figuring out what type of memorial service to have to honor his passing.

I will say that I'm in such a better place now than I was even six months ago. Even though we've had complications with Baby Sweet Pea, just being pregnant again is a huge step. JJ is now 4 1/2 and starts pre-k in a month [holy moly], and he just keeps getting cuter and smarter by the day. I have way more happy days than gloomy days, have a much more optimistic outlook on life than I did even at the beginning of this year. While I still miss Devon every second of every day and think about him often, I've been able to move past the grief and accept reality. It's refreshing to be where I am in my life, because I honestly never thought I'd hit this point.

I know the next month will be hard for me. We have several appointments to check on Baby Sweet Pea [i'll explain more about that in a different post], my car still has to be fixed from an accident I was in a month ago, school will start up again soon, and I have to figure out what memorial things I want to do for Devon [and just how, emotionally, i'm going to get through the month of august]. But I know I can do this. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? Devon's loss has definitely made me stronger, and I hope he knows how strong he's made me. And how much I love/miss him.