I've been debating about writing this blog for a little while because I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to dive into something as personal as my child. But...I'm going to do it. This is gonna be long, trust me.
It was my 22nd birthday - March 28, 2008 - when I figured out that I was pregnant with JJ. Call it maternal instinct, but I wasn't late yet and just KNEW I was pregnant. I didn't take a test to confirm until more than a week later...one, because I didn't trust a pregnancy test when I was only a few days late, and two, because I didn't want to know what my body already knew. I was 22, engaged to J for only four months and finishing my senior year of college. I wasn't married, had no money saved, didn't have a full-time job and had planned on grad school...I didn't know what I was going to do, honestly, and lost A LOT of sleep over it.
I had always imagined finding some cutesy way to tell J that we were expecting...but when you're as lost as I was when I found out I was pregnant, all that goes out the window. At the time, I was still at OSU, and he was still in our hometown. I'd dropped hints the week I took the test that I thought I might be, but I already knew and didn't tell him. When I saw him for the first time after I found out, I was so emotional and upset that I told him to drive to Wal-Mart and didn't say why. I walked straight to the prenatal vitamins, told him I'd be needing them because I was pregnant, then walked off. Yeah. What a way to drop it on a guy. I knew he wouldn't bolt, but I wouldn't have blamed him if he did. Telling my mom was even less glamorous - I blurted it out on the phone four days before graduation. She didn't talk to me until graduation, and I still have no idea how she told my dad - he was serving overseas at the time. Don't think I want to know.
From the very beginning, I never even thought about adoption or...other alternatives. I wanted this baby more than anything, and I knew I was going to get through it and find a way to make it all work. For the first few weeks, the whole thing was completely surreal. I couldn't imagine that I had something growing inside me. Even after the blood test confirmed, even after I started having food aversions and all-day sickness...I just couldn't believe it. Not until I heard his heartbeat at nine weeks did I know that it was real. I cried - a lot - at that point. I think I was more afraid of what people thought of me - ya know, the superstar high school and college girl who got knocked up and wasn't even married - than the fact that I was carrying the most incredible miracle. I'm trying not to regret that.
Once the shock wore off, the sickness set in. For four months, I was sick as a dog. It was a blessing in disguise that I didn't have a job straight out of college, because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have made it to work every day. I was super nauseous all day, and it got worse at night. I remember spending most of my nights from four weeks until 20 weeks asleep. I didn't want to do anything. I couldn't eat anything. During finals week, I went and ate BBQ because I was craving it. An hour later, it all came back up...and it took a year to want it again. Right around the time we had our ultrasound to find out if the baby was a he or a she, the morning sickness faded away. Thank the good heavens.
We found out that July that we were having a boy. I was even more shocked. I had only really dealt with girls; how was I supposed to raise a son?! I was thrilled though, because I had always thought I'd be destined to have girls since my mom had all girls. We got another surprise that same week - I was hired back at OSU to be an admissions counselor. J and I struggled and prayed about it - for crying out loud, I'd just moved back to be with him, and we were separated again - but in the end, I moved back to Stillwater. My sister was getting ready to start her senior year, so we moved in together. She ended up being my rock for the last few months of my pregnancy and first few months of JJ's life.
When I moved back to Stillwater, life became a blur. I was so busy with work that I was always moving. I was also getting huge. I had lost weight my first trimester because of my food aversions, but I put it all back on - and then some - my last two trimesters. I gained 40 pounds when I was pregnant with JJ...that number still shocks me to this day. However, the last few months were amazing. Fall settled in, and I felt great. JJ was measuring right on track, we were both healthy, and I was starting to get really excited about having him. I had a great support system in J and my family, and together, we made it through. It takes a village, after all.
My labor and delivery went A LOT better than I thought they would. I was induced at 8:30, felt my first contraction at 9:00, and I labored for 12 hours. Although I have a huge fear of needles, I got the epidural at 1:30 that afternoon and made it through without a hitch. I was able to sleep most of the afternoon because my labor just wasn't progressing, but by the time 6:30 rolled around, things were moving fast. I went from 1 to 4 in a short amount of time but was stuck there for hours. At 6:30, I was 5.5; by 8:30, I was at 10. They're not kidding when they say you know when it's time...I definitely knew it. I have a low pain tolerance, but I managed to breathe through it all [my epdiural had started to wear off] and keep my calm. I counted the squares in the curtains of the L&D room to keep myself sane...I'd been doing times tables for awhile, but that didn't last long. I started pushing at 8:40, and JJ was born at 9:03 p.m., a healthy 7 pounds even and 20.5 inches long. I had been prepared to turn him right over after he was born, but I actually got to hold him and cuddle for a few minutes before he was cleaned up. Those first few moments changed my life.
From the second he was born, everything was different...different from the better. I became a pro at changing diapers, washing clothes and balancing the budget to make sure we could cover everything. JJ has never gone without anything, and I'm so proud of that. The one thing I do regret is that I wasn't able to breastfeed. We lasted a week before his weight started to drop, and the breast milk just wasn't enough. I don't think I tried hard enough to breastfeed him...and although he's flourished, I wish I could've done it and had stuck with it. Next time, I will.
Now, JJ is a happy and healthy 15-month-old. We've had quite our share of ear infections, medical issues [asthma and projectile vomiting amongst them] and accidents, but he has been the most amazing blessing in my life. He's made my life better, and I will always be grateful that I got the chance to be his mommy. I look forward to many, many years of happiness, love and laughs with my little man.
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