Almost a month...

It's been 29 days since I found out Devon was gone; 27 since he came into the world sleeping. I've had my pretty good days [you know, the days I laugh more than cry and live in the now instead of dwelling on the past] and my awful days [like yesterday, when i cried throughout most of the day for various reasons]. The days since the loss are now starting to tick into months, and I'm still heartbroken. Still at a loss as to how to feel, how to get through the day without crying [multiple times, usually]. The days are slowly starting to become better, but I have major milestones coming up that I have to get through before I feel I can truly start to heal. Some days, everything just seems fine, that I can do this. Other days, I just want to shut the world out and cry until I can't cry anymore. I know this is all a part of grieving, but it's just so hard.

I can't believe it's been nearly a month since everything happened. So much has changed within me but stayed the same on the outside. Life seems to have gone back to normal for the rest of the world, but I'm still stuck on the fact that I have an angel baby. That my precious angel would have been due in nine days; instead, he's been gone for 29. While my days are truly starting to get better [for the most part], it's still a struggle. I just want to make it through the next two weeks and try to find a sense of normal before I head back to work; if I can do that, I think I'll be able to push through.

I can admit that I'm very nervous about being back in Stillwater all on my own again, like I was during and before my pregnancy. Once that happens on a daily basis, it'll become more real that life has to continue, even with all this going on. That I have to continue to move forward, even if my heart and soul are still healing. I hate that I have to move forward without Devon, but I just have to.

However, I know I'm not moving on alone. I'm so, so grateful for the support I've continued to get through all of this. I have some very close friends who have constantly texted to check on me, and I've continued to get cards from family and friends. It's amazing how many people have reached out to me in one way or another to let me know they're still thinking about me, even though it's been nearly a month. I wish I could see every single person that's helped me through this and give them a hug, but I can't right now. I just hope they all realize how much they've helped, how much they mean to me for keeping me in their thoughts and prayers as I've pushed on through the grief and the pain. Thank you.