I still have my good moments and my bad moments. The good moments are starting to outweigh the bad, but the bad moments can be really bad - like, uncontrollable crying for a good half hour type of bad. The unstoppable ache in my chest is still there, but it's not all-consuming like it used to be. The days are definitely getting better; I'm in a much better spot now than I was when everything started last month. Progress is good, even if it feels like progress is slow right now. Of course, I'm in a better spot now than I was a month ago, but I still feel like the weakest person on the planet because I still have very, very hard days.
I know that I need to start putting my life back together and moving on, but every time I do, I feel guilty. I'm afraid that I'll forget about Devon [even though i know i won't], that a day won't go by that I won't think about him [doubt it], that he'll become a shadow of the past [i'm going to make sure he doesn't]. It feels so weird that my due date is in four days and I'm not overwhelmed like I thought I would be. Maybe because it's been more than four weeks and I've had time to adjust to everything? To accept that I will always have two sons, but one will just be my angel?
I'm such a jumbled ball of emotions right now that it's hard to be on even ground emotionally. I feel like I'm ready to get back on with my life, but a part of me is still stuck in that hospital room finding out that Devon was gone. I go back to work in less than two weeks and feel physically ready for that, but I'm afraid I'll just take fifty steps back emotionally when I walk through the doors of my office and really have to move on with my life. It's just so weird, the place that I'm in right now.
I had my postpartum appointment a few days ago, and everything looks good. That appointment was just one more check mark on the list of my "important days" - the ones that mean a lot and will make me emotional. This past week had three of those: the one month mark when I found out Devon was gone; my postpartum appointment; and Devon's one month angelversary. I made it through all three relatively unscathed, but to say I didn't break down on any of those days is just not true. The last major one I have is my due date - I don't even want to think about it, because I'm giving myself a free emotional pass on that day. After that, I have a week to prepare to get back to work, then life will be as "normal" as it was before all this happened. But "normal" won't be the normal I knew, that's for sure.
I'm trying very hard not to put a timeline on my grief. I'm such a structured, organized person [most times, at least] that to just be flying by the seat of my pants right now is so not like me. I know that if I tell myself, "OK, today is the day that you won't cry like you have been for the past 34 days," that's just not fair. I can't shut out what's happened, and I can't shut out the feelings that I have. It'll just make things worse, and I'm sure it'll set me back. I usually have such control over my life, but this is the first time ever that I've just let that control go.
I'm sure this blog post makes no sense and is just a random rambling of thoughts. But that's how things are right now - I just ramble until I can't ramble anymore. For those of you who have read my posts, thanks for putting up with the rambling. It's just another show of support from those who care about me that I really, really appreciate.
1 comment:
As I am sitting here on my couch reading the latest blog, which wasn't rambling by the way, I have tears in my eyes as I type this. This hasn't been shared with anyone except for close family, but I too have 2 angel babies in heaven watching over me... One was a lose at 3 and half months and my most recent is watching over her sister who right now is sleeping in the other room in her crib. I wasn't aware that I was carrying twins until I went into labor at a normal time that most twins are delivered. (32 weeks gestation) The doctors were able to stop my labor and keep me going for another four weeks when she was delivered premature at 36+3. She is now a healthy happy almost five month old. Okay now I am rambling. What I am trying to say Ebonie, I know that things are rough and you are told that on a daliy that things will get better, but don't push yourself, you have just experianced a loss like no other. And unless you have experianced it like we have then no one can truely know how you feel, and how you will react. I can truely say, things will get better, and he will always be by your side, no matter what... I live by the saying family is FOREVER!! You, Joe and JJ will always be in my thoughts when I think of my two angelbabies... Just remember Ebonie your not alone!!!
Post a Comment