Good-bye 26...

In less than an hour, I'll be 27. Another year older, definitely another year wiser, and ready to see what this new year will bring. I'm not quite sure why I'm mentally making such a big deal about a new age...well, I do know why.

I want a fresh start. This past year has been so hard for me, has been full of so many ups and downs, that I feel like I'm about to turn 40. The last year had so much promise, and instead, I experienced so much heartache. And this will be my first birthday since losing Devon, and it just doesn't seem right that I will be celebrating it with him in my heart instead of with me. The first round of holidays after my loss have been tough to deal with, and my birthday is no exception.

It's hard for me to focus on what good 26 brought, because it's so overpowered by losing my son. But I did have some bright moments...I had a lot of great moments with JJ. The year was hard for us because he was going through behavioral and social issues, but we finally found him two great places [his current daycare and the early childhood center he goes to now] that have done him so much good. My sweet boy has grown so much in the last year, both intellectually and physically, and I look forward to so many more moments with him.

I had another great year at my job. I LOVE my job. I love working with students, love my co-workers, and I love what I do. I'm blessed to be in such a great work environment and to work with some amazing kids.

I got my husband back from his first deployment. That was probably the highlight of my year. I was absolutely terrified the entire time he was gone, so to get him home was the biggest relief ever. I'm so glad he came home safe.

My dad came hom, too! After more than 2.5 years in Afghanistan as a contractor, he is finally home for good. It's great to have my whole family back together again; he's been a big part of our family, and it hasn't been the same without him here.

I got Arthur the Sonata. I love Arthur. He also needs a wash - badly.

Most importantly, I got to see another year of my life. No matter how much pain and sorrow I experienced, I am just grateful I got to live through it, got to write another chapter in my [hopefully long] book of life. I met new people, did cool things, formed new relationships and lived. I honestly have no regrets about how the last year has gone, because the way things went were out of my control. You can call it fate, God's hand at work, whatever - but I am just here to live the best life I can, given the cards that I'm dealt. I can admit that I was dealt a decently crappy hand for 26, but I made the best of it.

I will say that I am very surprised at the strength I have nowadays. Most people think I'm the strongest person alive, but they don't see me when I'm alone. They don't see all the tears I cry in the car during lunch, the breakdowns I have while holding Devon's bear, the thoughts that roll through my mind about my angel every single day. I literally have one moment a day where I could just lose it, but I don't. I have been able to pull strength from my deepest core more and more each day, and I am finding ways to live my life again and try to move forward. It's hard, and I still have days when I want to quit. But I think the thing I will remember most about 26 is that I have way more strength than I thought I would ever have. I hit my lowest point of my entire life on that fateful August night when I found out Devon was gone, and I honestly wasn't sure I would ever recover. To me, it's a miracle that I'm able to stand here at 27 and say that I'm here to live my life. I can move forward, can find hope that this new year will be a better one for me and my family. Her'e's hoping.

Now I'm starting to ramble, so to end this post, here are the last random 17 things about me [the first 10 are here]:

11. I haaaaaaaaaate cleaning the bathroom. I do it because it needs to get done, but I'll put it off for as long as possible.

12. My favorite color is blue. Always has been. A close second is orange [that shouldn't really surprise those that know me].

13. I used to hate spaghetti. I have many childhood memories of sitting at the dinner table, crying because I couldn't leave until I finished my spaghetti. I still don't know why I didn't like spaghetti that much, because it's so good!

14. I don't like seafood. I just can't do it. The saltwater fishy taste gets me every single time.

15. I loooooove steak. I can't handle it very well anymore since losing my gallbladder, but I will still eat it on occasion. It's so good.

16. Speaking of gallbladder, I have had two surgeries in my entire life: one to repair the MCL I tore in my left knee a decade ago, and one to remove my gallbladder back in 2011.

17. I was not always a sports nut. I didn't really become one until I got to college and start attending random sporting events. Before college, I only was an NBA fan. My have times have changed.

18. Before having JJ and getting married, my dream job was to be the PR person for the Dallas Mavs. I wanted to work in PR for the NBA so badly...but then we found out JJ was coming, and things changed [for the better].

19. I could down Vegas bombs all day. They're my favorite.

20. I love cherries. They're delish. And grapes - but only the red ones.

21. I don't like sleeping in the dark. I've been that way for years. I either have to have a nightlight or something. Sleeping in the pitch dark only happens when I'm absolutely exhausted.

22. JJ's phobia of loud noises absolutely came from me. I HATE loud noises. Cannons, fireworks, thunder...if it's loud, I always cover my ear. I will probably always be that way.

23. Only my closest friends and family know the true scope of my *N Sync obsession. I'm tellin' you, if they ever pulled a NKOTB and got back together, I would faint.

24. I don't like frosting that much. I'd rather eat the cake.

25. One of my favorite albums of all time is Smash Mouth's "Astro Lounge". And one of my favorite tracks ever is from that album, "When the Morning Comes". I own that CD and love it still, more than a decade later.

26. I hate trying on clothes. I would rather buy it and have to return it than try it on. I don't know why - I guess because it's just such a hassle to change in and out of clothes.

27. I have lost three necklaces by dropping them down a sink drain. I don't even get near sink drains anymore when I take necklaces off.

So here's to you, 26. You were tough, but I made it. Let's see what 27 brings.

Adventures in Cooking from Scratch: pancakes edition

It's been awhile since I posted something regarding cooking, and that's because I've been in a cooking rut. Work was crazy for about a month, so I just stuck to basic stuff and didn't venture outside the box. But today, thanks to my mom, I jumped outside the box again.

During a morning FaceTime chat, she asked JJ what Mommy was making for breakfast. He said eggs and rice [which is what we had decided - well, I had decided - i was making]. Then my mom suggested pancakes, and JJ wouldn't let it go. Problem was, I didn't have any Bisquick. And, I'd never made pancakes from scratch because I leave that up to my mom. She makes the best pancakes. How am I supposed to compete with Grandma's pancakes?

But, because JJ wouldn't rest until I made his pancakes, I took to the Interwebz and found a simple recipe. I actually had all the ingredients [including a sifter!] - which was great, because it was really cold this morning, and there was no way we were venturing out - so I went to work. Recipe is as follows, which I found on allrecipes.com:

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
3 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon white sugar
1 1/4 cups milk
1 egg
3 tablespoons butter, melted

1. In a large bowl, sift together the flour, baking powder, salt and sugar. Make a well in the center and pour in the milk, egg and melted butter; mix until smooth.

2. Heat a lightly oiled griddle or frying pan over medium high heat. Pour or scoop the batter onto the griddle, using approximately 1/4 cup for each pancake. Brown on both sides and serve hot.

I used an ice cream scoop to scoop the batter into a frying pan, and it worked perfectly. The batter made about 10 medium-sized pancakes and 2 baby pancakes that I gave JJ. I totally expected him to not like them because he's a picky eater, but he LOVED them. Add a little syrup, and the pancakes were gone in no time. The sugar adds a little sweetness to the batter, and they came out nice and fluffy - just like pancakes should. I will never, EVER use boxed pancake mix again.

I felt so domesticated this morning while I was making those pancakes. I was so proud of myself that I even posted pictures of my perfect pancakes on Instagram. Yes, I'm a nerd. But, thanks to my mom, I'm back on the cooking game and wanting to try more things from scratch again. Next up will probably be stuffed bell peppers and maybe a pie or cake. Yum.

Pancakes. Nom.

Four years.

As I've gotten older, I find myself saying "where has the time gone?!" a lot more often. This situation had me saying the same thing, too.

My four-year wedding anniversary is today.

Four years ago, in a courthouse in Lawton, J and I got married. With close friends, family and our 3-month-old as witnesses, we said our vows and made it forever. While it wasn't the wedding I'd always dreamed of, the outcome was still the same - so it didn't matter.

Four years later, we have been through so much more than I ever thought we would go through. Air Force, living in separate states, deployment, losing a child, issues with JJ...we have had a LOT of things test our marriage. Some days, I didn't think we'd make it. Some days, we talked about separating. But after four years of very high highs and very low lows, we are still together. Still strong. Still happy.

No one said a long distance relationship would be easy - and that's pretty much all we know is the long distance stuff. But we both hope this will end soon, that we will all be together in the same place. Until then, though, we rely on phone calls, text messages, FaceTime and the occasional card to get us through. When you love someone, when you've found the person you know you want to be with forever and a day, you just make it work. I'm so glad that we've made it work, that I'm still in love with my husband, that he and I are still together through everything we've been through.

Yes, he and I don't always see eye to eye on things. We are very much two different people with two different sets of interests [well, besides sports and cheesecake]. But at the end of the day, what matters is that I love him, and he loves me. I am so lucky to have him here, so lucky that he's stuck by my side through all of the random crap that life has put us through. He isn't who I imagined I'd be with, but he's who I needed and wanted.

I still can't believe it's been four years. I feel like we've been together for so much longer, but that's just because our marriage has literally been tested to the breaking point on multiple occasions. What hasn't broken us has made us stronger, and J is definitely a very strong man. He's been my rock, my other half, and my joy for 8.5 years now; I hope that we have many, many more years together with us, JJ and, heaven willing, more children.

Happy Four Years to the one man [who is not my dad] who has put up with my obsession with Justin Timberlake, my crazy couponing habits, my love of the right kind of orange [sorry babe, but ostate orange is way better than burnt orange], and my tendency to wear flip flops all year round. I'm so blessed to still have you by my side. Here's to forever and a day. I love you.

We totes love each other. Totes.

Ten down; seven to go.

I stepped on the scale yesterday for the first time since January. While I usually avoid scales - mainly because they don't tell me what I want to see, which isn't the scale's fault - I wanted to see just how much weight I'd dropped since I started running about two months ago.

When I saw my doctor in January, I was 167.

Yesterday, I was 157.

TEN WHOLE POUNDS GONE.

I had figured that I had lost that much [judging by how my clothes now fit better and I've dropped from a 10 to an 8], but to see that number looking back at me was totally surreal. The least I've weighed since becoming a mom was 155, and my goal weight is 150. If I could get down to that by the end of the semester [which is eight more weeks], that would be amazing. I still can't believe I'm down ten pounds. Woot!

At this point, I'm re-running Week 4 of C25K [I'll do the last day of Week 4 later today and will start Week 5 on Monday]. I pushed myself on Wednesday and ran an entire mile. That was a freaking miracle. A MILE. When I started this whole C25K thing, I wasn't even sure I could run 1/5 of a mile. Now, I'm seven weeks from my first 5K and pretty much right on track. I've been running consistently for about 6 weeks, so I should be ahead...but I re-ran two Week 3 and Week 4 because I didn't feel confident enough in my running to move forward. I'm glad I repeated though, because Week 4 this time around is going much better than the last round.

I've noticed that I want to run faster, that my body wants to work harder during my runs. I used to do this whole measured breathing thing that matched my breaths with when my foot would hit the ground, but that was slowing me down and causing shin splints. With this week's runs, I've focused on my breathing but on just controlling it, not following a specific pattern. I felt so much better after those runs because I wasn't trying to slow my body down just to breathe. I am just blown away at how my body is adjusting to running, how much easier running is becoming. C25K really works!

I'm also repeating the 14 day ab challenge [on day 5; i skipped a day], and I'm doing 30 Day challenge as well to build up strength. I'm not doing that every single day but am getting in the groove and will hopefully do it every day [or at least every other day, depending on when I run]. On top of that, I started a new vitamin regimen - JuicePlus - that a friend and fellow blogger introduced me to. I just started it, so we'll see how I feel after my first 30 days on the pills.

This is the first time in a veeeeeeery long time that I've been committed to working out. I'm still kinda surprised that I've actually been this committed. I am proof that people have NO excuses to NOT work out. I'm basically a single parent who works all day, begs for more time in the day and struggles to keep up with life in general. I kept making excuses about working out until I got my butt in gear and found a way to make it work. I run during lunch, do the abs stuff before bed or first thing in the morning, and I do 30DS after JJ goes to bed. Where there's a will, there's a way - anyone can work out if they just make the time and figure it out.

I'm slowly getting in the best shape I've been in since high school. Seeing the body changes, feeling the clothes fit better [i got into a size 10 comfortably at alfred angelo when i went last night to try on bridesmaid dresses - last time i wore a 10, it was waaaaay too tight], and seeing the scale tick down are motivation to keep going. Just gotta keep truckin'.

Ten pounds down; 7 more to go. I got this.

I got back into a pair of jeans I haven't worn since college. This is my "shocked that they fit" face.

27's knockin' on my door...

Growing up, my birthday was the best day of the year. Nowadays, my birthday isn't the best anymore [JJ's birthday and my anniversary trump those], but it's still one of the best days. As I get older, though, my birthdays have turned into a "Hey! A year older! Holla!" day to a "Oh God, 30 is knocking on my door" day.

Don't get me wrong. For the most part, being an adult is awesome. I love being a mom, love being a wife, and I love my job. I certainly love that I'm not in college anymore [i do not miss homework and tests]. But at this point in my life, the age is starting to stack up. Major things that make me feel like I'm getting old:

* JJ is 4. He'll be 5 at the end of the year and will start pre-k in August. I talk about this all the time because it freaks me out that my kid is almost in school.

* I've been graduated from high school for almost 9 years. My 10-year reunion is next year. Wut.

* I've been graduated from college for almost 5 years. Again - wut.

* I've been married for 4 years on the 20th, and Joe and I have been together for 8.5 years. I've been with this man for almost a decade. If you had asked me at 18 if I would still be with the same man, I definitely would've said no [just tellin' the truth babe].

* My first class that I brought in as an academic advisor - the senior class of 2010 - will graduate next May. That blows my mind that I've been with these kids for three years and will see them off next year.

When I was younger, I never thought I would get older. Every birthday seemed to come soooooo sloooooow; I remember it feeling like every birthday from 13 to 18 took five years to hit. But ever since I got to college, birthdays started to go by faster. Now that I'm a wanna-be adult, my birthdays go by even faster. Which sucks, because I don't want time to go by faster. I want it to slow down so I can enjoy every moment, savor it. I know that isn't possible, and that I need to do a better job of living in the moment instead of planning for the future. But I do wish that was possible.

In 28 days, I'll be 27. How did we get to this point so quickly? Wasn't I just 21 yesterday? Sigh.

In honor of my impending 27th birthday, I feel like listening out 27 random facts about me [because i know people are just dying to know more about me...that was sarcasm, by the way]. I'll just list 10 for tonight:

1. I'm a recovering scarfaholic. I love scarves. I own like, 10 [and just bought two more].

2. I wear a size 12 in women. A pair of my running shoes is a men's size [10.5] because some shoes don't go to 12. While I don't like that my foot is so big, it does stop me from spending a ridiculous amount of money on shoes.

3. I wish I had learned to ice skate. I can casually ice skate, but I'm not any good at it. For awhile, I wanted to be a professional ice skater.

4. I also wanted to be a gymnast. I was always too tall to be a gymnast though. Sigh.

5. I love chocolate but don't like chocolate ice cream.

6. I also love ketchup [i will seriously put it on just about anything], but I don't really like tomatoes.

7. My fave drink at Sonic is a cherry vanilla Dr. Pepper. Yum.

8. I think I look funny with straight hair, even though I like straight hair because it's low maintenance.

9. I sucked my thumb until I was about 5. At that age, I went to the dentist, and he told me my teeth would be crooked if I didn't stop. I literally stopped that day. Unfortunately, the same logic didn't work on my sister, who seriously didn't care about all that.

10. I love doing laundry. Sorting, throwing it in the washer/dryer, folding...laundry is my thang. Dishes, however, are not.

Anyway. There's no point to this blog, except to sorta kinda whine about the fact that I am nearly out of my 20s and I feel like I'm getting old [even though i'm not really getting old and 27 is nothing]. So here's to you, 26 - let's make the best of our last 28 days together.

Six. [and quite possibly the hardest post i will ever write]

By the time this post is finished, it will have been six months since an ultrasound in a quiet hospital room confirmed that Devon was gone. In two days, it will be six months since he was born sleeping. And two days after that, six months since I held him for the last time and said good bye.

I wish I could say that I'm fine now, but the reality is that I'm not. I know that people don't expect me to be all the way fine at this point, but six months just seems like such a long time. Shouldn't I be fine? Shouldn't I not be crying multiple times a week anymore? Shouldn't I be blogging about other things now? Clearly, the answer is no. And that's OK.

When this whole journey started, I didn't know what to do or how to act. I was so lost and emotionally shell-shocked that I honestly have no clue how I made it through those first few weeks without hurting myself or throwing myself off a building. I can honestly say that J, JJ, my parents, my sister and my friends helped get me through those tough first weeks and stop me from considering doing something stupid. Some days, I still feel lost - especially when I think.

Devon would've been six months old. He probably would've had his first teeth coming in, would be trying to crawl and starting on rice cereal. He'd be halfway to his first birthday, and I probably would've been talking to my mom about themes for his party. I'd be watching him and JJ interact, watch JJ be an awesome big brother. Some days, especially when I see all the baby stuff that I tucked away into a spare closet, I wonder how things would've been, should've been.

There are few details that most of the world knows about what happened, but the reality is simple [and something i'm finally willing to talk about]: I fell on August 15. I was in the parking lot of my apartment complex, lost my balance and fell. I hit my stomach, went to the doctor, had an ultrasound and non-stress test, and everything was just fine. I had strict orders to relax and come back in five days for a check-up.

Two days later, as I was driving to Lawton to see my mom, I noticed that Devon wasn't active anymore. I let it ride most of the night, but after drinking a soda and not feeling him move, I knew something was wrong. I drove myself to Reynolds on Fort Sill and was terrified. In my heart, I knew he was gone, but I remember praying all the way to the hospital that he would just move, just kick, tell me he was OK. In my heart, though, I knew he wasn't here anymore.

When a doppler couldn't pick up his heartbeat, the OB on call came in for an ultrasound. His face said it all within seconds, and my world just crashed. Everything was just a big blur after that. I remember the phone calls I had to make, bawling my eyes out, watching the nurses wipe tears from their eyes as they led me to a room to start the induction process. I remember begging for a c-section, but they wouldn't do it. In the end, it was definitely for the best, but at that moment, I just wanted it to be over.

Placental abruption, the doctor said. He said it was a miracle I hadn't bled out, because it was a complete separation. He guessed my body tried to heal it over, but it was too late. I never had any warning signs, which made it even more of a miracle that nothing had happened to me. No telling when it had happened, but it was quick.

The OB said I could wait to go into labor on my own - which I would eventually - or I could induce. I chose to induce without thinking twice, which he agreed with. I don't remember how long I was in labor, because I slept through most of it. The nutrition staff brought me food three times a day, the staff gave me meds when I wanted it, and I got to have as many visitors as I wanted. But I literally slept most of the time I was in the hospital. Emotionally and physically, I just couldn't handle, couldn't process what was happening. I didn't want to. This wasn't supposed to happen to me. I wasn't supposed to lose a child.

Devon was born sleeping at 5:30am on August 19th - my sister's 25th birthday. 5 pounds, 18.5 inches long. He was perfect, with lots of hair and little fingers and toes. I didn't see him at first, but later on that morning, as I signed off papers for his release to a local funeral home and for his death certificate, I asked for him. I'll never forget the moment I got to meet him, got to hold him. He was perfect. Still is perfect, in my mind. I have pictures of us, pictures of him, pictures of him with my mom and my sister...those are pictures I will always cherish. I held him as long as I wanted, then fell asleep again. Again, I just couldn't handle it - and my ridiculously high blood pressure showed it. The hospital wouldn't release me until that was back under control, so I stayed longer than I thought. When I was finally released, J drove us home, and I cried the whole way. I got back to my parents' house, and I just lost it. I cried so much those first few weeks.

I know I'm being pretty vague on details, but I just don't want to relive it all in words, because I always relive it in my mind. I remember every freaking moment of those last days, every freaking moment of my hospital stay, of planning Devon's memorial and writing his obituary, of saying good bye for the last time before we had him cremated. I remember it all, and I always will. The reality of the situation doesn't hurt as much as before, but it still hurts a lot. It always will, I think.

I miss my sweet boy every single day. I miss all the milestone I don't get to have with him, miss all the experiences we won't have. But after six months, I don't beat myself up over his loss anymore. I don't think about the fall that started it all. I don't think about what should've been, about his due date, about how things should be so different. Thinking like that makes me bitter, and depressed, and it sets me back. The reality is, he was too perfect for Earth. God needed him to be my angel, and I feel like he has been. We all know I'm not a very spiritual person at times, but when it comes to losing Devon, that's all I've got. I've got my faith to reassure me that he is watching over me up there, that he is surrounded by lots of family who went before him, who greeted him with open arms and are now raising him. I have my faith to reassure me that he is happy up there, that he will never know anything less than the unconditional love that I will always have for him.

I'm sure some of you are crying at this point. Hell, I cried through this whole post. But after getting this out, I feel like an emotional weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I'm not ashamed of what happened, because Devon is still my son. He will always be my son, even though he's not here physically. But he will always, always remain in my heart. Always.

Me? A potential runner? For realz?

I'm not a runner.

No. Seriously. Ask my sister, my parents, my husband, my old volleyball coaches - up until this year, I was not a runner. When I played volleyball in high school, we would have to run almost two miles during the first week of practice. I was always the last one back. Always. I hated running, and I always let it be known that I hated running. I hated moving my legs, I hated being out of breath afterwards, I hated the idea of it. Running was evil to me.

But as I've gotten older - and started trying to come up with ways to get my exercise in without sacrificing time with JJ - I realized that running could be good for me. It'd be a good way to get some cardio in, I could do it at random times throughout the day, and it wouldn't necessarily require me to hit the gym. I could just hit the pavement.

So this year, I decided to get serious about running. I'm running the OKC Memorial 5K at the end of April, Color Me Rad less than two weeks later, and I'm considering doing the Remember the Ten 5K the weekend before the OKC Memorial run. I paid for the first two races already, so I NEED to run them. I'm not one to throw money away just because. So after the holidays, I started Couch to 5K during my lunch time. I thought it would be a struggle, but honestly, it isn't.

I'm on Week 3 now and have been running for a little more than a month. While it hasn't exactly been consistent, thanks to sickness and weekends with no babysitter, I've been running just about 3 times a week. I repeated Week 2 of C25K because it kicked my ass, but I'm now on Week 3 [jog 90 seconds, walk 90 seconds, run 3 minutes, walk 3 minutes], and I'm actually holding my own. I feel like I might actually be able to do this now, run a 5K. That's something I never thought would happen. Ever. I even bought new running shoes, which I absolutely love. They're awesome.

Now, people are complaining about how it's too cold to run outside. Psht. That's what warm weather running gear is for. Slap on a hat, slip on a pair of gloves, wear a light jacket and boom - you're good to go. I've run in below freezing temperatures and have had to take off the gloves and hat by the end of my run because I was getting too warm. I just bought some warm weather running gear last week that I'll use until it starts to stay consistently above 65 degrees, and I'm excited to wear it.

Man. Who is this person, this person that actually enjoys trying to run?!

Seeing the progress that I've made with running over the last month is giving me the motivation to keep going. I never, EVER thought I would be able to run three minutes at a time, and I'm doing it now - without stopping or struggling to recover afterwards. I've noticed that I want to run faster now...at the beginning, I was doing this slow jog/fast walk thing. Now, I'm actually jogging and feel myself wanting to push harder and run faster. It's incredible, how a solid training set can make you better. If I had just hit the pavement on my own and tried to run as long as I could without stopping, I can guarantee you I wouldn't be running still.

As a side note, I've noticed body changes as well. I've restarted the 14-day ab challenge [since the first 14 day set i did was an awesome success] and doing push-ups [the cheater, female kind - no way in hell i'm ready to do actual push-ups], and we'll see how it goes after the next two weeks are up. If I can lose another 7-8 pounds and get to the point to where I can run most of a 5K course without stopping, I might actually put myself in a bikini. Whoa. That would be huge.

But for now, I'm just focused on running. You best believe that when I cross the finish line at my first 5K, I will scream my joy from the rooftops. And probably cry. Because let's face it - I cry for everything.