Sigh of relief.

Pregnancy is never easy [unless you're one of those lucky women who only gains 15 pounds, never gets sick or battles acne, and loses the baby weight within weeks of giving birth]. Me + pregnancy has always equaled ROUGH, and even though this is my third - and I should be used to rough by now - I totally wasn't prepared.

Nausea hit at 4.5 weeks. Then I wound up in the ER with a bleed at 6 weeks - a bleed that continued to get worse until, at 11 weeks, my OB put me on bed rest to give it the chance to heal. I spent almost two weeks off my feet, went back to work [but pretty much sat at my desk, only getting up to greet families, get lunch and pee], then was sent to my new maternal-fetal medicine doctor to check things out.

The three weeks between appointments was so hard. I spotted for almost a month straight and wasn't sure what was going on, how Baby Sweet Pea was doing, or if things were looking good. I managed to make it to yesterday's appointment without totally losing my mind, but the nerves were obvious when I got there. I was shaking, my blood pressure was high, and I almost started crying the second I stepped into the ultrasound room. I wasn't sure what to expect...part of me prepared for good news, but part of me prepared for awful news.

Thank the stars, we got good news.

The tech immediately found a kicking Baby Sweet Pea with a strong heartbeat of 152 - one I got to hear for the first time yesterday. Considering the last time someone tried to find a heartbeat and let me listen, it was in the maternity ward when we lost Devon, being able to hear my baby's beating heart was so emotional. I broke down and started bawling as the tech continued, showing me all the growing parts of the baby and taking measurements. Long story short, I'm right on track, there isn't any evidence of a bleed [holy moly! that's amazing news!], and while there are a couple of potential trouble spots that need to be watched, I was told that things look really good.

It was amazing to see how big Baby Sweet Pea had gotten since my last ultrasound at 11 weeks. It was amazing to hear his/her heartbeat, to see him/her kicking around, to know that he/she is measuring on track and that the bleed is pretty much gone. I couldn't have asked for a better appointment yesterday; I just feel so incredibly lucky and blessed and relieved. At the same time, though, my PgAL brain just will not settle and is still on edge. I'm not sure I will fully relax until this baby get s to come home with us, and I'm thinking about getting a doppler to check the heartbeat in between appointments. As I get bigger and start to feel kicks, I start to enjoy the pregnancy more...but I'm still just so scared.

For now, though, I'm pregnant, I have a healthy baby, and I don't have a bleed. And, I'm now in second trimester, the nausea is fading [but it's being replaced by acid reflux, fun], and my energy is coming back. I am on Cloud Nine.

[also, we think we know what we're having, but i'm keeping my mouth shut until my anatomy scan in four weeks to get confirmation. how about that for a teaser?!]

Hi, my Baby Sweet Pea!

Eleven.

Eleven months. It's been eleven.whole.months since Devon was born sleeping.

Seriously?

When I came home from the hospital empty-handed and broken-hearted on that fateful August day, I knew my life was never going to be the same. I also figured that my life would, at some point, just stop. Even though I had an adorable son at home, and a loving husband, and friends/family that cared about me, I wasn't quite sure how I was supposed to keep going when I was going to have to bury my baby boy. I wasn't quite sure how I was supposed to bounce back from something like that.

Eleven months later, I still find it hard to believe that I'm still here, still standing, and living my life. I laugh on a daily basis now. Thanks to counseling, I've been able to find the happy side of life again and embrace it. I can talk about pregnancy and babies [not just because i'm pregnant again]. I can actually hold babies. These are all things that, last year, I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to do again. Everything seems so bleak when your world crashes around you and you have to dig your way out again.

As we get closer and closer to the one-year mark, I find myself thinking about the 48-hour span that changed my life. I know it's probably self-imposed torture to rehash things over and over again, but I do it because those 48 hours were the last hours I had with Devon. Even though he was already sleeping at that point, I still had that time with him, and it's precious time I'll always remember and cherish. That time will help get me through the rest of my life until I get to see him again.

It still hurts. I think it hurts more and more as we get closer to August 19 because reality sets in: I've spent more of my life without Devon than with him. I've live almost an entire YEAR of my life without my baby. I should be preparing for his 1st birthday, watching him hit all those important milestones that babies hit, posting random pictures of him and JJ interacting on Instagram and Facebook...not figuring out what type of memorial service to have to honor his passing.

I will say that I'm in such a better place now than I was even six months ago. Even though we've had complications with Baby Sweet Pea, just being pregnant again is a huge step. JJ is now 4 1/2 and starts pre-k in a month [holy moly], and he just keeps getting cuter and smarter by the day. I have way more happy days than gloomy days, have a much more optimistic outlook on life than I did even at the beginning of this year. While I still miss Devon every second of every day and think about him often, I've been able to move past the grief and accept reality. It's refreshing to be where I am in my life, because I honestly never thought I'd hit this point.

I know the next month will be hard for me. We have several appointments to check on Baby Sweet Pea [i'll explain more about that in a different post], my car still has to be fixed from an accident I was in a month ago, school will start up again soon, and I have to figure out what memorial things I want to do for Devon [and just how, emotionally, i'm going to get through the month of august]. But I know I can do this. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? Devon's loss has definitely made me stronger, and I hope he knows how strong he's made me. And how much I love/miss him.

Five. Ten. Ten.

I really hate when I leave this blog dormant, so I'm just doing a random post today as an update of sorts. I know I've been pretty quiet since the rainbow post, and I need to snap out of it!

So. What do the numbers mean in my title? Here's what they mean

Five: The number of days until my sister gets married. Holy moly people. My little sister is getting married. It's still so hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that she's actually going to have a husband. I don't know why - it's not like we're years and years apart - but it's just strange to me. Maybe it's because it's starting to hit home that we're both really grown ups now? I've found myself thinking of all the times we used to play together when we were little, the random crap we used to get into as we grew up...and now, she's getting married and moving on up in the world. It's just so weird to me.

Ten: The number of months we've been without Devon. His ten-month angelversary was a little more than a week ago, and that day hit me really hard. I'm not sure why that particular angelversary affected me so much - I was in a horrid, sad mood all day. Maybe it's because I'm starting to realize that it's almost been a YEAR since I had to say good-bye to my sweet baby boy? How are we at this point already? It's starting to hit me just how fast time goes by, even in the face of such a horrible event. It's also starting to hit me - again - that I will never get to raise him on this planet, and it really just sucks. I miss him more than I can put into words at this point.

Ten: The number of weeks pregnant that I am. Double digits, peeps! It's starting to feel more real now, this whole "we're having a baby!" thing. I've had a couple of more bleeding scares, the most recent landing me back at the hospital earlier today for yet another ultrasound. It's borderline embarrassing when the nursing staff recognizes you - this was my third trip in less than a month. Yikes. BUT, the great news is that Baby Sweet Pea is measuring on track, has a strong heartbeat of 179 beats per minute, and is a mover and a shaker. I got to see him/her actually jump around today, and I broke down all over again. To see my baby actually move his/her little arms and legs was overwhelming. I think every step of this pregnancy will be overwhelming.

I'm feeling better. Nausea's starting to go away, my appetite's starting to come back, but I've really got to take it easy. I overdid it this weekend, and I just can't be doing all that anymore. It sucks, especially as my energy starts to come back and I want to do more things, but I gotta take it easy for the sake of the baby and my health. I mean, don't get me wrong - I can be the laziest blob of human flesh you've ever met. It's just hard to do, though. :)


I'll have another update soon after my sister gets married [i can't wait to post pics from that]. But, for now, I leave you with my first bump pic. I don't plan to post any bump pics on FB, but I'll post some here every now and then.

From last week at about 9 1/2 weeks. There's a bump, alright.