To my sweet boy on his angelversary.

To my sweet, sweet Devon:

Happy Birthday, little man! You would have been a year old today. Well, you are a year old - in heaven, you are. I hope that you're having the most amazing birthday celebration with all of your angel friends. I bet someone made you a giant chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, and all of you are smashing into the cake and enjoying every bite.

I wish I could put into words just how much I miss you, how much I wish you were here, celebrating your birthday with your mommy, daddy, big brother, grandparents, aunties, uncles and other people who love you to pieces. I'm not quite sure I'll ever be able to put into words just how much I miss you, though...I just hope that you know, in your heart, that my hearts loves you and aches for you every single second of every single day. For the rest of my life, I will feel that way.

My hope is that you are up in heaven, being taken care of by your grandfather, your great-grandparents, your great-uncle and the hundreds of people who went before me and your daddy. My hope is that they are the ones putting you to bed at night, reading you bedtime stories, watching you hit all of your first milestones - the things that I wish so badly I could watch, but I can't. I hope they have been taking lots of pictures for me so that, one day, when I see you again, they can hand me a photo album of all the things I missed while you were serving as my guardian angel.

The 7.5 months I had you with me were some of the best months of my life. While I do not - and never will - understand why God decided he needed you more than I did, I'm grateful for every second I had with you. I will fondly remember the times that your brother and I sang "You Are My Sunshine" to you, the time we went to a Broadway musical and you kicked like crazy through the entire show [i hope you still love music!]. I will remember every moment - the good, the bad, and the horribly sad. I will miss you every single day, think of you every single day, wish you were here every single day.

But I do take comfort in knowing that you are safe. You are perfect. You will only know love, and hugs, and kisses, and warmth, and comfort. I imagine that you have the most awesome Christmas celebrations, the best birthday parties, and the most fun play dates. I smile when I envision you playing in heaven, because I know you are experiencing pure joy and happiness. That is all you will ever know, and I am grateful for that.

So today, on your special day, I will cry. A lot. But I will also smile, and sing "Happy Birthday" to you, and blow out a candle on a very special chocolate cupcake. Today, you are a year old. Today is your day. Know that your mommy is celebrating you, and loving you, from so very far away.

I love you, my sweet sunshine.
Mommy

Sigh of relief.

Pregnancy is never easy [unless you're one of those lucky women who only gains 15 pounds, never gets sick or battles acne, and loses the baby weight within weeks of giving birth]. Me + pregnancy has always equaled ROUGH, and even though this is my third - and I should be used to rough by now - I totally wasn't prepared.

Nausea hit at 4.5 weeks. Then I wound up in the ER with a bleed at 6 weeks - a bleed that continued to get worse until, at 11 weeks, my OB put me on bed rest to give it the chance to heal. I spent almost two weeks off my feet, went back to work [but pretty much sat at my desk, only getting up to greet families, get lunch and pee], then was sent to my new maternal-fetal medicine doctor to check things out.

The three weeks between appointments was so hard. I spotted for almost a month straight and wasn't sure what was going on, how Baby Sweet Pea was doing, or if things were looking good. I managed to make it to yesterday's appointment without totally losing my mind, but the nerves were obvious when I got there. I was shaking, my blood pressure was high, and I almost started crying the second I stepped into the ultrasound room. I wasn't sure what to expect...part of me prepared for good news, but part of me prepared for awful news.

Thank the stars, we got good news.

The tech immediately found a kicking Baby Sweet Pea with a strong heartbeat of 152 - one I got to hear for the first time yesterday. Considering the last time someone tried to find a heartbeat and let me listen, it was in the maternity ward when we lost Devon, being able to hear my baby's beating heart was so emotional. I broke down and started bawling as the tech continued, showing me all the growing parts of the baby and taking measurements. Long story short, I'm right on track, there isn't any evidence of a bleed [holy moly! that's amazing news!], and while there are a couple of potential trouble spots that need to be watched, I was told that things look really good.

It was amazing to see how big Baby Sweet Pea had gotten since my last ultrasound at 11 weeks. It was amazing to hear his/her heartbeat, to see him/her kicking around, to know that he/she is measuring on track and that the bleed is pretty much gone. I couldn't have asked for a better appointment yesterday; I just feel so incredibly lucky and blessed and relieved. At the same time, though, my PgAL brain just will not settle and is still on edge. I'm not sure I will fully relax until this baby get s to come home with us, and I'm thinking about getting a doppler to check the heartbeat in between appointments. As I get bigger and start to feel kicks, I start to enjoy the pregnancy more...but I'm still just so scared.

For now, though, I'm pregnant, I have a healthy baby, and I don't have a bleed. And, I'm now in second trimester, the nausea is fading [but it's being replaced by acid reflux, fun], and my energy is coming back. I am on Cloud Nine.

[also, we think we know what we're having, but i'm keeping my mouth shut until my anatomy scan in four weeks to get confirmation. how about that for a teaser?!]

Hi, my Baby Sweet Pea!

Eleven.

Eleven months. It's been eleven.whole.months since Devon was born sleeping.

Seriously?

When I came home from the hospital empty-handed and broken-hearted on that fateful August day, I knew my life was never going to be the same. I also figured that my life would, at some point, just stop. Even though I had an adorable son at home, and a loving husband, and friends/family that cared about me, I wasn't quite sure how I was supposed to keep going when I was going to have to bury my baby boy. I wasn't quite sure how I was supposed to bounce back from something like that.

Eleven months later, I still find it hard to believe that I'm still here, still standing, and living my life. I laugh on a daily basis now. Thanks to counseling, I've been able to find the happy side of life again and embrace it. I can talk about pregnancy and babies [not just because i'm pregnant again]. I can actually hold babies. These are all things that, last year, I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to do again. Everything seems so bleak when your world crashes around you and you have to dig your way out again.

As we get closer and closer to the one-year mark, I find myself thinking about the 48-hour span that changed my life. I know it's probably self-imposed torture to rehash things over and over again, but I do it because those 48 hours were the last hours I had with Devon. Even though he was already sleeping at that point, I still had that time with him, and it's precious time I'll always remember and cherish. That time will help get me through the rest of my life until I get to see him again.

It still hurts. I think it hurts more and more as we get closer to August 19 because reality sets in: I've spent more of my life without Devon than with him. I've live almost an entire YEAR of my life without my baby. I should be preparing for his 1st birthday, watching him hit all those important milestones that babies hit, posting random pictures of him and JJ interacting on Instagram and Facebook...not figuring out what type of memorial service to have to honor his passing.

I will say that I'm in such a better place now than I was even six months ago. Even though we've had complications with Baby Sweet Pea, just being pregnant again is a huge step. JJ is now 4 1/2 and starts pre-k in a month [holy moly], and he just keeps getting cuter and smarter by the day. I have way more happy days than gloomy days, have a much more optimistic outlook on life than I did even at the beginning of this year. While I still miss Devon every second of every day and think about him often, I've been able to move past the grief and accept reality. It's refreshing to be where I am in my life, because I honestly never thought I'd hit this point.

I know the next month will be hard for me. We have several appointments to check on Baby Sweet Pea [i'll explain more about that in a different post], my car still has to be fixed from an accident I was in a month ago, school will start up again soon, and I have to figure out what memorial things I want to do for Devon [and just how, emotionally, i'm going to get through the month of august]. But I know I can do this. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? Devon's loss has definitely made me stronger, and I hope he knows how strong he's made me. And how much I love/miss him.

Five. Ten. Ten.

I really hate when I leave this blog dormant, so I'm just doing a random post today as an update of sorts. I know I've been pretty quiet since the rainbow post, and I need to snap out of it!

So. What do the numbers mean in my title? Here's what they mean

Five: The number of days until my sister gets married. Holy moly people. My little sister is getting married. It's still so hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that she's actually going to have a husband. I don't know why - it's not like we're years and years apart - but it's just strange to me. Maybe it's because it's starting to hit home that we're both really grown ups now? I've found myself thinking of all the times we used to play together when we were little, the random crap we used to get into as we grew up...and now, she's getting married and moving on up in the world. It's just so weird to me.

Ten: The number of months we've been without Devon. His ten-month angelversary was a little more than a week ago, and that day hit me really hard. I'm not sure why that particular angelversary affected me so much - I was in a horrid, sad mood all day. Maybe it's because I'm starting to realize that it's almost been a YEAR since I had to say good-bye to my sweet baby boy? How are we at this point already? It's starting to hit me just how fast time goes by, even in the face of such a horrible event. It's also starting to hit me - again - that I will never get to raise him on this planet, and it really just sucks. I miss him more than I can put into words at this point.

Ten: The number of weeks pregnant that I am. Double digits, peeps! It's starting to feel more real now, this whole "we're having a baby!" thing. I've had a couple of more bleeding scares, the most recent landing me back at the hospital earlier today for yet another ultrasound. It's borderline embarrassing when the nursing staff recognizes you - this was my third trip in less than a month. Yikes. BUT, the great news is that Baby Sweet Pea is measuring on track, has a strong heartbeat of 179 beats per minute, and is a mover and a shaker. I got to see him/her actually jump around today, and I broke down all over again. To see my baby actually move his/her little arms and legs was overwhelming. I think every step of this pregnancy will be overwhelming.

I'm feeling better. Nausea's starting to go away, my appetite's starting to come back, but I've really got to take it easy. I overdid it this weekend, and I just can't be doing all that anymore. It sucks, especially as my energy starts to come back and I want to do more things, but I gotta take it easy for the sake of the baby and my health. I mean, don't get me wrong - I can be the laziest blob of human flesh you've ever met. It's just hard to do, though. :)


I'll have another update soon after my sister gets married [i can't wait to post pics from that]. But, for now, I leave you with my first bump pic. I don't plan to post any bump pics on FB, but I'll post some here every now and then.

From last week at about 9 1/2 weeks. There's a bump, alright.

Rainbow.

Chances are, after a pretty bad storm, you've seen a rainbow - that big, multi-colored, awesome arc that stretches across the sky and makes you believe that, no matter how bad the storm was, you'll be OK. Rainbows always make me smile, because it's not like they show up all the time - the elements have to mix just right to form one. But when they do mix, it's beautiful.

That logic definitely applies to being pregnant again after losing a baby. Come January 26, 2014, we hope to expand our family with a beautiful, awesome rainbow baby.

J and I found out on May 17th - nine months to the day that we found out Devon was gone, and the same day I finished counseling sessions - that we were expecting again. I took a test, got a faint positive, and rode out the weekend without saying anything. I retested on May 19th - again, nine months to the day that Devon was born sleeping - and got a big, fat positive. There was no mistaking it. After a bleeding scare, trip to the ER and two ultrasounds, we have a growing baby with a strong heartbeat and such promise. I'm almost 8.5 weeks.

It has been such an emotional rollercoaster the last month. I knew that being PgAL [pregnant after a loss] would be hard, but holy cow. I was never this worried with JJ or Devon, ever. Every twitch, every lack of symptom, every cramp has put me on edge. I had a follow-up ultrasound last week, and I literally did not breathe until my OB told me that things looked great. Every single day, I fear that this baby will not make it. Even though I really try to stay positive, and I try to remain hopeful, it's so hard when you know just how bad things can go with a pregnancy.

This pregnancy has been worlds different from my last two. Nausea has gotten pretty bad [started getting sick around 4.5 weeks], to the point to where I requested stronger medicine than what I had. The nausea's actually tapered off the last couple of days, though. Of course, that makes me nervous because it's not what I'm used to dealing with - I was sick with both boys until well into my second trimester, with little relief. I do have a growing bump, but I don't feel bloated like I did the last time. It does take a lot for me to eat; nothing sounds all that great nowadays, and soda makes me want to puke [which is a good thing, since i don't need the sugar anyway]. Sleep has been hit and miss, which hasn't been all that fun to deal with, but I'll get used to it. I'm trying hard not to compare this pregnancy to my others, to not chalk up my varying symptoms as being a bad thing. But, lemme tell ya - PgAL brain is hard to deal with. It's almost like I expect things to go wrong, even though I'm really calm on the inside about things.

I know that most people don't make a pregnancy announcement until end of first trimester, but after you lose a baby at 34 weeks, a lot of things change. Should we lose this baby, I plan to talk about it anyway - so why wait to make an announcement? I've turned to this blog to get my feelings out, to share my story about losing my son; I also want to turn to this blog to share all the ups and downs that come along with being pregnant again after such a terrible loss. So, last night, J and I came out on FB and, in a roundabout way, told the world that we're pregnant. It was bittersweet for us, because while we are very excited, we are also very cautious. We had a LONG discussion on when we should say something, how we should say it...those are things we wouldn't have thought of before losing Devon. Your whole world changes when you lose a baby and then get pregnant again.

For now, though, we are loving on Baby Sweet Pea and hopeful that, at my next appointment on July 9, we will still have a growing baby that we will get to meet in January. I am considered high risk, so I will be monitored by two doctors and will have lots of ultrasounds and stress tests to make sure my placenta is OK and the baby is fine. It will be nerve-wracking, and it will be emotional. But, with the support of my family and friends, we can make it through this. We are very, very hopeful that we will ring in 2014 with a new addition.

I have to, once again, thank everyone who has been so supportive of me as I've grieved Devon's loss. A lot of those same people have been very supportive as we've started this journey towards our rainbow baby, and that means the world. I wouldn't have made it without you all.

Where has May gone??

Are we seriously almost at the end of May? Where has the month gone? We're almost to the halfway point of 2013, for crying out loud. I swear, it was just January yesterday. Man.

So, most of May has gone by without a real update from me. Whoops. Things have been a little nuts, but it's mostly that I haven't taken the time to update this thing. I will open by saying that Mother's Day was a lot of fun. My parents and I took JJ to the zoo, which kept my mind off things. It felt good to spend that day with him, to love and hug on him, to have that time with my baby boy [who isn't such a baby anymore]. There were SO many people at the zoo that day, but we still had a good day. It wasn't as overwhelming as I thought, and I attribute that to the balloon release and the letter. Those really help me let go, in a way.

As I mentioned in my OKC Memorial 5K post [that was a month ago, yeesh], J was home for about 10 days. During that time, we took family pictures with a wonderful friend, Averi Blackmon. Our first set of pictures with her were summer 2010, and I really wanted updated pictures. J, JJ and I hadn't done any sort of family picture since J and I got married in March 2009, so it was about high time for that. She did an AMAZING job, even though we had Mr. Ficklepants on our hands for most of the shoot. I'm including some of the pics here, but I would include SO many more. She is just awesome.

Our Superman!

Probably one of my fave pictures from the shoot. Love this man.

Our little family.

This is probably my first or second fave. I love us.

I am so glad we have these pictures to add to our family memories. It was hard to say good-bye for J [but this will hopefully be one of the last good-byes we'll have to endure for the rest of our lives], but having these memories helps. I hope to get some printed and framed soon.

The rest of May has been a big blur. The school year ended, and things were quiet for a few days before enrollment for new freshmen began. Last week was NUTS; the first week usually is, but last week was just chaos on all three days that we enrolled. I am so glad we have a long weekend, because I definitely needed more than just two days to recover! It's great to meet the new freshmen and welcome them to the fold, though. School is also over for JJ [he was in a program twice a week through the school system], which means the countdown begins to his first day of pre-k. This summer will be spent buying school supplies, clothes and shoes. I can't believe my little kid is stepping towards big kid status and starting pre-k. Wow.

I also did my second 5K during the month, Color Me Rad. Admittedly, I walked it with a friend and barely ran it, but that's OK. I won't be running a 5K for quite awhile, but that particular 5K will be on my running list for many years to come. It was SO MUCH FUN. I was completely covered in crap by the time it was over, but it all washed out [which was surprising], I had lots of fun with good friends, and it was so cool. I can't wait to run it again next year. I was going to do The Color Run in the fall, but it conflicts with another run I wanted to do. Ah well.

Before the run. Just call me Gangsta E.

Before the run - the group and I!

And...after. I was COVERED.

This is us after we threw a whole bunch of color bombs around. So.Much.Fun.

I've honestly been struggling with my running lately, mainly because of my shoes and strength training. I will be taking a break from running for awhile, but that doesn't mean I won't stop working out. I'll use this time to get my feet looked at, properly fitted, and get back on the pavement. I also need to step up my workout game and do strength training or yoga or something. I'll figure it out. I'm not falling off the wagon though! Just need to take a break for a bit as I sort some things out.

So that's May in a nutshell. Lots of pictures, lots of fun, lots of memories. I made some great strides this month emotionally, and after six weeks of counseling, I'm done for now. I'm sure I'll use counseling in the future, but for now, I feel good. I feel solid. Devon's loss isn't consuming me anymore like it used to, and it feels good to say that. I miss that little boy every second of every day, but I'm not letting his loss take over my life. He's a part of my life now, instead of his death being the only thing in my life [if that makes sense]. I'm still debating posting the good-bye letter that I wrote, but I'm thinking I will. It's a fitting tribute to the little boy I barely knew, but whose short life changed mine forever.

As the month winds down, I'm hopeful that June is going to bring lots of happiness. My sister's bridal shower and bachelorette party are in June, as is Father's Day. Enrollment will be in full swing, but there will be other background things going on that will hopefully make that process easier to handle. May has been a pretty good month, and I am so very hopeful that the trend continues, and that things just keep getting better and better.

Mother's Day.

Tomorrow will be a very happy - and very sad - day for me. It's Mother's Day, a day that, no matter how far I've come in counseling from an emotional standpoint, will still be a tough day.

I never, ever imagined that I would be celebrating this Mother's Day with just JJ. I never, ever imagined that I would be doing a balloon release, hoping that the balloon will fill with my love and be caught by Devon in heaven, instead of enjoying brunch with both my boys. It's a little overwhelming to be facing this day and only feel like half a mom because I only have one of my sons.

During my counseling session two weeks ago, I told my counselor that I was going to do a balloon release on Mother's Day. He suggested that, along with the release, I write a good-bye letter and read/launch it with the balloon. It's a way for me to let go of the emotional hold I've had on his death, to truly start moving forward and have him as a part of my life instead of an all-consuming type of thing. I'm not really say good-bye to him; I'm saying more of a, "I will see you again someday." I wrote the letter on Friday, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm supposed to read it out loud before I launch it, and I know I will just cry my eyes out when I do it. I'm considering blogging the letter, but I'm not quite sure if I want to do that. I'll think about it and see. I will say, though, that I felt a sort of peace after writing the letter. I put everything I wanted to say to him into that letter, and I just know he will be listening and take my words to heart tomorrow when I do the launch. He is part of the reason why I'm a mother, even if he isn't here, and he deserves to be a part of my day tomorrow. The launch and the letter will help keep him close to me.

Even as I still grieve, though, I am SO incredibly grateful that JJ is here with me. We're going to the zoo tomorrow with my sister and parents - and he LOVES the zoo. It will be so fun to take him there, to see his excitement as he sees the elephants and the monkeys and the giraffes, to spend the day with my precious boy. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: that boy is the light of my life. Even when he pushes me to my limit [we're at that 4-year-old "i'm going to whine about everything" phase], even when he doesn't listen to me the first 20 times, I am always grateful and thankful that I get to be his mommy. He is the cutest, funniest, random kid ever, and he is just so smart and so aware of the world around him. I'm blessed beyond words that he's mine. I focus so much of my blog on my loss that I just want the world to be reminded that I have a great kid on this Earth that calls me Mommy, and he makes me so happy.

I think Mother's Day will be hard for me for the rest of my life. The sting of the day isn't as bad [and i pretty much have counseling to thank for helping me come back to reality, face it and move forward], but my heart will always ache for the son I don't have. But, Lord willing, JJ will celebrate every single Mother's Day with me until the end of my days, and should we be blessed with other children, they will also celebrate Mother's Day with me. To be able to call myself a mom is the most incredible thing ever, and I will always cherish every Mother's Day. It will always just be a little bittersweet.