Single mom status.

I've been dwelling on this post for awhile, and whether I should open up a little bit more...but I feel like this is my place to do that, so here goes.

I've pretty much been raising JJ by myself since the day he was born. H and I have only lived in the same town at the same time for maybe 6 months out of the (almost) 6 years we've been together - and none of that time came after I had JJ, except for maternity leave. My sister lived with me the first nine months I had JJ, which was a huge help - and my parents used to keep JJ a lot when I traveled with my old job - but other than that, it's been just me and him. I've been the one who's done the dishes, cooked dinner, washed and folded the laundry, cleaned up messes, done all the chores, kissed away boo-boos, bathed and put JJ to bed...it's been all me. And it's been hard.

This past week, I've had a couple of breakdowns over it. I miss J. I miss having people around to hang out with and keep me company. I miss being able to just walk out the door and go to the gym or go for a walk. Getting out the door takes a good 15 minutes of preparation and perfect execution if I don't want to have to go back inside and get something. I'm one of the first of my close friends (if not THE first) to become a mom, and I feel like everything else about my life faded away the day I had JJ. Granted, we're all graduated from college and scattered across the country now, but still. It just sucks that I have no one here to help, no one here to talk to, no one here to have a glass of wine with after JJ's asleep.

I don't regret any of the decisions that have been made since J and I got together, had JJ and got married, but it's ridiculously overwhelming sometimes raising JJ by myself. I think more than anything, I just feel alone right now. I can occupy myself pretty well most nights (by watching movies or sports, reading or just vegging in front of the TV), but even people who don't mind being alone get lonely sometimes. It would be nice to have adult company every now and then, someone to talk to and laugh with. Honestly, it'd be nice to have my husband home, but being an Air Force family now, I know that won't happen as often as I would like.

When I was growing up, I NEVER thought this was the way it would go. I always thought I'd have a big wedding, wait two years, have two kids three years apart, live in a suburb and raise a family quietly. It's just funny how things change as you get older and the reality is quite different from the fantasy. I wouldn't change it though...except for the being away from J part. I could live without that for awhile.

Feel free to ignore this post...it's more of just me getting stuff off my chest than anything else. Carry on. :)

If you really knew me...

The other night, I was watching "If You Really Knew Me" on MTV. The program went to PC West in OKC and was pretty much a cleansing intervention for their senior class. Watching it made me wonder just what would've happened at my high school if a program like that had happened during my senior year. It's been six years since I graduated, but high school is high school. The types of people, cliques and issues stay the same across the generations.

Then, it got me thinking about what I was like in high school, the barriers I put up and the person I really was back then. If you really knew me back then...

You'd know that I really, really liked school. I wasn't a suck up or a goody two-shoes; I just enjoyed school. I enjoyed learning, enjoying being in class - but that didn't mean I wanted to be buddy buddy with my teachers. That's just the type of person I was - and still am. You'd know that I really did want to be a social person, but my mom had a strong hold on me and wouldn't let me be as free as I wanted.

If you really knew me back then, you'd know that I was NOT a lesbian. There's nothing wrong with that, obviously, but the fact that people spread rumors that I was because I didn't date guys hurt like hell. My religion - and family rules - wouldn't let me date until I was 16. Even after that point, no guy caught my attention enough for me to want to commit. Obviously, I'm happily married now (to a black guy, surprise surprise) with an adorable little man - bet you didn't see that coming when we were in high school, huh? You'd also know that all the crap people talked about me behind my back really, really hurt. I wish you'd had the balls to say it to my face, because it sucked. Big time. It took me awhile to ignore all the crap and move on from the negativity - I don't think I fully moved on from all the hurtful crap I went through until I got to college and moved away.

If you really knew me back then, you'd realize that my family and I were close because my parents refused to let our Army way of life get in the way. There was nothing wrong with my family; we just had a stronger relationship than most of you had with your families. You'd know that I was the way that I was to block everything out. It was the closest to my true self you'd see, and it helped keep my confidence intact while I was in public. You'd know that I continued to run for office because I wanted to make a difference, not because I wanted to be popular. If you'd taken the chance to know me, you'd know that. But you didn't.

The person I was in high school is definitely not the person I am now. I don't even recognize the person I used to be. Now, I'm more confident, more secure, more open with myself and with others. I'm less stressed about things and more willing to let change come into my life. I don't need to be a social bug to be happy, and I definitely don't need to be someone else to be happy with my life. I love my job, love my husband, love my son and love the way my life has turned out. I'm excited about being an Air Force wife, hella excited about Colorado, and I think I've finally gotten to the point where I can forget all that crap I went through growing up. At my 10-year high school reunion, I can't wait to show up and show everyone that I'm not the person I used to be - I'm better.

Oh, if you really knew me back then...

This thing called life...

...is moving along a lot faster than I thought it would. It's becoming too difficult to keep up!

I really wish I had some fun, spunky update - but I don't. I spent Thursday night - Tuesday afternoon sicker than I've been in quite some time (still haven't quite shaken the cold, but I do feel a lot better), so there goes that. And, life has really slowed down since my dad left and vacations ended. School, however, is gearing up, and I can feel the excitement in the air as the kiddos get ready to go back.

I bet J's feeling the school day blues again right now - he's in the middle of the law enforcement part of his tech school, so he's had a test every week for the past few weeks. J was never the studious type in high school and college, so I'm not quite sure just how he's handling all this studying and testing...I think he's doing OK, since he's motivated to do it, but I don't think he likes it. :) I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I get to see him in a couple of weeks...I could go 17 weeks without seeing him, but I don't really want to. I'm just glad his tech school's near me and not on one of the coasts.

I feel like I'm sort of in a rut. Like I need to find something to dig my way out of it. It's the same story all the time at home - cook, clean, play, bath, bed. I'm at a loss as to how to keep little man entertained at his age, and I don't want to get him any more toys since his birthday/Christmas are coming up. And let's not even go there about me. I haven't had a night out in weeks. I'm always tired (which is probably how I got sick in the first place), I worry too much so I don't sleep well at night...it's a never-ending cycle. I will say, though, that I finally started scrapbooking. I have tons of papers and stickers, and I've got ideas in my head for JJ's first year scrapbook. I just need to get the pics printed - Shutterfly, here I come!

I need to find something to make this blog more interesting so people will read it. Hm...unfortunately, I bet it won't get more interesting until I move to Colorado and have new places to talk about. :P We'll see!

Update to my 101 in 1001

It's been awhile since I updated my list in this blog...and I've added things to it, so I figured I'd better do an update.:)

I added to no. 65. My sister and I saw Toy Story 3 in June - holy cow. What a way to tie the series together. I should've gone at night, when the little kids wouldn't be there, but it was such a good movie. I cried - three times - watching that movie. I'm not sure what I was expecting for the last movie, but it definitely wasn't that. I loved it though!

I also added to no. 42 in June. During Joe's graduation in San Antonio, my sister and I were driving around, trying to find something to eat. We put in Italian in the GPS, and Alicia picked this place:

She picked this place because it reminded her of Milano cookies, and she likes Milano cookies. Awesome sis. But she made a good call - that place was delicious!

That was my dish - and that was the lunch portion, and AFTER bread and salad. It was so delicious! I wish I'd been able to finish it - during this time, I was doing battle with LaQuinta over a mixed-up room reservation (probably not staying with them for awhile), so I was too irritated to eat it all. It was super awesome though, and sis and I have talked about going back if we ever go to San Antonio again. I only have one more restaurant left to finish that one up! Yay!

And...I finally started no. 67. My best friend M and I went to see Lady Gaga in OKC on July 20, and her show was freaking AWESOME. We were sitting so far up that the few pics I took didn't come out (and my regular camera was sitting at home, gah), but we had SO much fun.

There's me and my bestie M! We enjoyed her show so much that we turned around the very next day and bought tickets to her show in Dallas on 03.14.11 - yes, March 2011. Eight months away. But I don't care, because we got awesome seats. I am SUCH a huge fan of hers now - she's amazing live, her album itself is freaking awesome, and the whole show was great from start to finish. I was so impressed that I started no. 68 and bought my first CD in ages - "The Fame Monster." I've been rocking Lady Gaga since it came in yesterday. Love.It.

I've decided to nix the Project 365 until later this fall or winter. Taking off two weeks threw me all off, and I just don't want to backtrack  that long. So I'm deleting the blog and will restart it once I actually take pictures every day. I have, however, discovered that I love taking pictures and want to take some photography classes. Maybe when we get to Colorado, I'll look into it. I want to get an expensive camera, too, like my dad has - but we'll see about that one.

I think that's all I got for now - I've got less than two years to get this list done, so I'd better get on it! :)

My insecurities will NOT get the best of me.

Over the weekend, J got orders. He wound up getting them switched during the week, so our original orders have changed.

Sometime within the next year, I'll be moving to Colorado.

I'm still really nervous about it...I'm not sure it's sunk in all the way yet (although I've already started making plans, looking at housing etc.). I've lived in Oklahoma for a very long time now and pretty much grew up here. My family's still here, my alma mater's here, my hometown is here...and we'll be moving 10 hours away. I haven't lived more than 2 hours away from them ever, so this will be a huge change for me.

I don't do well with change. I get really anxious about change - to the point to where I've made myself sick over it in the past. Change brings out all the insecurities in me - will I make new friends? How will I adjust? How long will I be there? How will the homesickness be for me? Will I get used to the Air Force life? How much will our lives change when we move? Will I find a job? Get base housing? My mind is spinning in a million different directions about this upcoming move - and I'm probably not leaving for a few more months, at least.

Besides getting married and becoming a mom, this will be one of the biggest changes in my life. I've been looking forward to this move, because it means that J and I will finally, FINALLY live under the same roof and get to start our lives as a married couple with a young child. This long-distance relationship stuff is old; I'm ready to wake up in his arms, come home to him, make dinner for him. The big move is really making me nervous though.

J will report before JJ and I do, and we're still working out all the kinks since we JUST got orders. I just hope that this move will be a smooth one and the one that our family has needed for quite some time. When I push past my insecurities, I'm really excited about this move. I love snow, I've always wanted to go to Colorado, we'll be living near a really populated area, the base seems nice...I feel like this will be a good change for us. Getting to that change - for me, at least - will be the hard part.

Holy lack of updates Batman.

I just realized it's been more than a month since I updated...and it's been quite a month! I'm not even sure where to start when it comes to updating...all I know is, I'm gonna do a better job of keeping this updated.

I guess I'll post a quick update and do a more thorough one later. J is officially an Airman - he graduated on June 24th from Air Force BMT. He lost a good 10-15 pounds...and looks UHmazing. I'm so proud of him!!!

It was so great to spend four whole days with him...it went by fast, but it was good to see him. I can't even tell you how anxious I was in the days leading up to graduation...the 8.5 weeks he was gone flew by, once I looked back at it. Now, he's back at Lackland for tech school and should be finishing sometime in October. We got orders over the weekend, and we're moving to Florida next year. I'm still adjusting to that...welcome to the Air Force!

After J's graduation, I went with my family and JJ to Orlando. That was SO fun. My "little brother" got us into Universal for a discounted rate - and we got to go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter!!

 

    

I have more I could post, but I'll save it for now. All I can say is, that park was AMAZING. I was a little skeptical about how true it would be to the movie, but it was just about spot-on. And Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey...the best ride EVER. I can't wait to go back.

We also got to spend a day at DisneyWorld (for free!).

           
          




I have more I could post from there, too, but I think this post has enough pictures. I can't believe I went to DisneyWorld - it was SO fun!!!! This whole vacation was so much more than I was expecting - and I could actually enjoy it this year. :)

Now, life has settled back in. I'm anxiously counting the days until football and NBA season, I'm nervous about how this whole moving thing will go, and it's hotter than Hades outside. Summer is in full swing, but not for long - school starts in five weeks. Seems like they just got out yesterday! Sheesh!

I'll update my actual 101 in 1001 list later - I've got a few to add to it. I promise not to go so long without updating again!

Oh the life of the military.

I was born into the military. My dad had been in for a few years when I was born, and I spent 19 years of my life as an Army brat. I was blessed to only have moved twice during that time, and that my dad was never deployed. Sure, he was gone a lot because of his MOS, but he was still around. After the Army, he worked at my old school until he got his current position.

Right before my last semester of college, my dad got sent overseas for a year. During that time, I found out I was pregnant, graduated from college, got my first big kid job and had JJ. For the first time in my life, I felt like my dad missed out on so much. Of course, pictures and technology allowed for him to be there more than I ever thought he would, but still. It wasn't the same. Soon, he'll be leaving again, and I can feel the dread building again. J and I want to try to get pregnant again, JJ will turn 2 in December, we may be moving away due to the Air Force...I feel like all the major things that could take my life in a different direction will probably happen while he's gone again. I know that he's doing what he loves, and I support him 100 percent...but it still makes me sad. I just try to keep thinking that one day closer to when he leaves is one day closer to him being home again.

J had Warrior Week this past week - he graduates in less than two weeks now! I've been surprised at how much communication I've had with him since he's been gone. He's gotten to call the past three Sundays, and I've gotten four letters from him while he's been gone. He's gotten all the letters and pictures I've sent him, too. I was expecting to only hear from him one or two times while he was gone, so this whole process has been much easier than I thought it would be. Yeah, I still miss him (a lot), but being able to get letters from him and hear his voice once a week has made it easier. The only bad thing is that he generally calls while JJ's napping, so he's gotten to talk to me but not to our little boy. I'm hoping that if he gets to call later today, he'll be able to talk to JJ - finally.

I'm so anxious and excited about graduation that it's all I think about. Eight long weeks apart are finally drawing to a close...I can honestly hardly believe it. He left at the end of April, and we're already at the middle of June. So, not only has time absolutely flown, but we're already almost halfway through the year. Absolute craziness. I know in the grand scheme of the military life, eight weeks probably isn't a long time - but it's the longest I've EVER gone without seeing J. It's new to me.

My mom wasn't kidding. The military way of life is way different when you're a child and when you're a spouse. When you're the kid, you don't really have any worries or can grasp just what everything means. But now that I'm a future Airman's wife...my entire prospective on things has changed. I feel like I have so much to learn about the Air Force, but I'm not really quite sure where to begin. All I know is, I'll miss my dad a lot once he leaves, but I know he'll come home. And I miss my husband a lot, but we're in the home stretch. I can't put into words just how proud of him I am...but I'm hoping that I'll find some way to show him when I get to see him.

Oh the life of the military. It's fast approaching...